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11/14/2012 c4 4The Little Mad Girl
Oooh...good story! :D
11/9/2012 c4 9CharissaKarn
OH SNAP! ahaha love the last line, "The duel has begun." :) can't wait to read more! :D update soon! :D
11/6/2012 c1 7poetintraining576
Just from reading the first few paragraphs, I'm going to guess you're either a young (probably 13-15 years old) or inexperienced writer. And if you want people to read your stories, that is definitely not something you want people to think after only reading a few paragraphs, before getting into the heart of what you're writing.

Starting your story so very obviously, having the main character tell the audience that she was the most popular girl in school, that she didn't believe in the supernatural until 'it' happened is a very easy way to start the story. But it's not very effective at drawing people in because you're telling us what's going to happen before it even does. You have about 100-200 words before your readers lose interest, so you need to make them count.

A more effective way to draw in readers is to paint a picture, whether it's with dynamic dialogue, a vivid description of the character's setting, or with an action scene. It engages the reader's occipital lobe, and when we can imagine it, we're immediately drawn into the story. How do some of your favorite stories start? I'm guessing it's probably one of the three ways I mentioned above.

Also, if your characters are going to be talking with each other, you want the dialogue to shine, not to sound everyday hum-drum. Like I said, this is a chance to engage your reader, but right now, it sounds very immature and a bit too adolescent.

I hope this helps, and if you have any questions about this review, please PM me. :)
10/26/2012 c3 A-Random-Female
this is...wow!
10/20/2012 c3 9CharissaKarn
WOOOO! ahaha i like how this was explained! :) ahaha hmmm this is good! :) please update soon! :) would love to read more! :)
10/19/2012 c3 Sushi-Sisters
Hmmm this chapter was good!
10/17/2012 c2 Sushi-Sisters
This was amazing!
I think Eelyak is epic!
10/17/2012 c2 CharissaKarn
WOAH! that was awesome! :D cant wait to read more! :D
10/15/2012 c1 CharissaKarn
Woah! this is different! :) i like it! :) looking forward to reading more! :D
10/15/2012 c1 Sushi-Sisters
Update soon. This is good
10/15/2012 c1 A-Random-Female
Ooooo! I'm hooked.

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