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for All because of a bet

3/5/2013 c2 21Alisa Palmer
First pointer: For the sake of your reader's eyes - PLEASE space your paragraphs. I understand that the formatting on this site does not allow you to indent, but just put a space between the first line and the next:



People won't be scared away by the huge blocks of text.

Alright, aside from the spacing making my eyes scream, here are some other things I thought I would comment on:

Your characters are pretty strong, all things considered. The only thing that bothers me a bit is that there isn't really any reasoning behind the character's thoughts and feelings. There isn't much character development in that regard. And they're incredibly cliché, but that might be what you're going for. I don't know.

Next, this is literally almost all dialogue. I was reading this first chapter and I literally did not have a clue what their surroundings looked like. Some detail is essential to keep the reader's interest. I noticed that you put a fair amount of detail into your characters’ appearances and some of their actions, which if that's just your style then that's fantastic, but it's not enough to actually give me a clear mental image of your characters and what they’re doing. I've heard of being a minimalist...but this is a little more than minimal. This boarders on lazy.

POV shifting in a chapter? This is a no-no. Particularly the way you're doing it. It's an easy way to lose readers entirely. My suggestion to you - either stick to one POV per chapter, and then switch for the next chapter. OR, the better option in my opinion, write this in third person omniscient. It's challenging, but doable.

With all the point of view swaps (seriously I feel like your characters are playing a game of hot potato) I would expect to hear some differentiation in the voices I read. This is also part of characterization, so no two characters should sound exactly the same. Every character in a story, just like every human being, talks a certain way. I would do some character evaluation, particularly on your two main characters, and find their quarks. Get to know them a little better. The voices typically come in their own time if you know your characters intimately.

Overall, I think you have a decent piece here. My biggest suggestions would be:
-Work on your detailing
-Reevaluate the perspective of this story
-Characterize the voices of your characters

Please do not take anything I'm saying as harsh, because I'm really not meaning it to be. I will say that this probably comes off as extremely blunt, and if it borders on rude or hurtful I would like to sincerely apologize for that. I'm truly trying to help you and give you some suggestions on how to make this even better, should you choose to take my suggestions.

I wish you luck in all future projects, and encourage you to keep writing and posting. The more you practice, the more you learn.

Much Love,
11/3/2012 c5 UMMLC
"Hey Bianca do you need some Aloe-vera, cause your just got burned!" Hahaha I love Autumn :) Also can't wait to read more!
Sincerely U MadeMyLifeComplete
11/2/2012 c5 TamikaT
Ooooo, really good cliffhanger. Yes, please longer chapters next time. I am with Evan this is getting good! Gotta love it when the Queen Bee gets showed up. Hopefully Peter will survive...LOL!
10/29/2012 c4 1sky8677
Love it! Plz write more XOXO
10/28/2012 c4 Guest
Aww... I think I'm gonna like Autumn and Peter as a couple! It's just so cute! Please please write the next chapter soon. Hahaha
10/26/2012 c4 TamikaT
I am so in love with Evan. He is like a mystical Cupid. His he knows what he knows when they think he oesn't see is awesome. Very good story so far. Please keep writing! Loving the text messages too! Get 'em right Evan...LOL!
10/17/2012 c1 TamikaT
Loving the opening credits! I am hooked so far. Very interesting characters: will they make it one whole year? I doubt it, but Love conquers all. Please keep writing!
10/17/2012 c2 TamikaT
I like it! Please keep writing this one. Great plot, plenty of room for twists and subplots. I like where this one is going. Can Autumn stand on no love to keep her $500/mo for one year? Can Peter be the good boyfriend not cheat for a whole year? Oh the possibilities are endless. I can't wait for tall of the ground rules to be hammered out. Like they have to go on dates, or hold hands, even kiss because face it they can actually avoid each other and still win the bet. So ground rules are needed and I am so sure the Evan will make it interesting not to mention Autumn and Peter. Please keep writing this one. I am hooked.

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