for Black Heart5/5/2021 c1 DWest
You can publish this in a mobile app so a lot of readers can see your lovely work. Check on NővelStar and see how other writers earn by pursuing their passion in writing.
You can publish this in a mobile app so a lot of readers can see your lovely work. Check on NővelStar and see how other writers earn by pursuing their passion in writing.
4/5/2013 c5 Readerstoryguy
Okay... i like this chapter.
I think Jack and Rachel moved a bit quick in professing their love, but I get it and I like that they like each other. Maybe, jack steals a kiss?
And why would Derek just leave? Especially if he is so close to getting revenge, (which I like the way it was set up) ...but why leave?
Did the moms word have an effect on Derek?
Okay... i like this chapter.
I think Jack and Rachel moved a bit quick in professing their love, but I get it and I like that they like each other. Maybe, jack steals a kiss?
And why would Derek just leave? Especially if he is so close to getting revenge, (which I like the way it was set up) ...but why leave?
Did the moms word have an effect on Derek?
4/5/2013 c4 readerstoryguy
This chapter. Ehhhhhhh, no so hot one,
Yeah it’s short… but I think that you are trying to cover too much ground in that one short paragraph.
It quick becomes confusing and hard to keep things straight.
So you made him a bad guy, the Blond?
Shame, …maybe he wants to get even with her… to repay her (in a good way)… I don’t know, maybe to far of a stretch?
This chapter. Ehhhhhhh, no so hot one,
Yeah it’s short… but I think that you are trying to cover too much ground in that one short paragraph.
It quick becomes confusing and hard to keep things straight.
So you made him a bad guy, the Blond?
Shame, …maybe he wants to get even with her… to repay her (in a good way)… I don’t know, maybe to far of a stretch?
4/5/2013 c2 Readerstoryguy
Okay, for chapter two, believe it or not, I think it was too rushed.
Maybe start when he extends his hand to her.
I hope you can slow down the pace of Jack up until he finds Rachel being attacked. Again inner thought in italics, (Drat!) and Rachel after he initially goes looking for her down not need to have an exclamation mark!
I like Jack, but some of the stuff he was saying to the “bad guys” doesn’t seem to read very well. (I know he has to build himself a sense of bravado but it doesn’t seem to work well when confronted by 3 big bad guys)
I like the blond purple eyed guy, and maybe he is an outcast that likes Rachel, but for now I don’t think I see him as a threat to her, more of an unknown ally.
Okay, for chapter two, believe it or not, I think it was too rushed.
Maybe start when he extends his hand to her.
I hope you can slow down the pace of Jack up until he finds Rachel being attacked. Again inner thought in italics, (Drat!) and Rachel after he initially goes looking for her down not need to have an exclamation mark!
I like Jack, but some of the stuff he was saying to the “bad guys” doesn’t seem to read very well. (I know he has to build himself a sense of bravado but it doesn’t seem to work well when confronted by 3 big bad guys)
I like the blond purple eyed guy, and maybe he is an outcast that likes Rachel, but for now I don’t think I see him as a threat to her, more of an unknown ally.
4/5/2013 c1 readerstoryguy
Hey, I found your story intriguing.
I’ve read chapter one and I’m hooked, there are just a few things I have to comment on.
At the top you can just label Rachel, the POV is un necessary.
I had a hard time transitioning from the narrative, to the first person, then back to a quasi narrative, all within the same paragraph. Ex.
This always happened to her, (narrator) it's the reason she can't *couldn’t* have a proper life at all. Her mother calls it jealousy but I (First Person) call it being careful, (then we are back to narrative) the thoughts were swirling round her mind so much that she failed to remember the threat posed to her outside of school or home, the threat of the other kind.
I think the story works best in the narrative. You can have a inner thought to draw attention to her emotion by using italics. Ex. – why am I crying?
Also, I love the small build up, I was disappointment to learn so much of her so fast. Is there a way to have her power and the reason why her dad are dead trickle in small snippets and not all at once. It much too fast I’m afraid
Aside from that great first chapter
Hey, I found your story intriguing.
I’ve read chapter one and I’m hooked, there are just a few things I have to comment on.
At the top you can just label Rachel, the POV is un necessary.
I had a hard time transitioning from the narrative, to the first person, then back to a quasi narrative, all within the same paragraph. Ex.
This always happened to her, (narrator) it's the reason she can't *couldn’t* have a proper life at all. Her mother calls it jealousy but I (First Person) call it being careful, (then we are back to narrative) the thoughts were swirling round her mind so much that she failed to remember the threat posed to her outside of school or home, the threat of the other kind.
I think the story works best in the narrative. You can have a inner thought to draw attention to her emotion by using italics. Ex. – why am I crying?
Also, I love the small build up, I was disappointment to learn so much of her so fast. Is there a way to have her power and the reason why her dad are dead trickle in small snippets and not all at once. It much too fast I’m afraid
Aside from that great first chapter
2/3/2013 c5 augmentedDREAMS
I love the story! Please, don't stop writing.
Btw, aren't Jack and Rachel taking things too fast? I mean, it's only been like a week since they net each other. And whoa on Derek! I wanted him to be more of an enemy protagonist kind. Anyway, keep writing!
I love the story! Please, don't stop writing.
Btw, aren't Jack and Rachel taking things too fast? I mean, it's only been like a week since they net each other. And whoa on Derek! I wanted him to be more of an enemy protagonist kind. Anyway, keep writing!
11/30/2012 c3 Guest
Aww! Don't stop writing! This seems lilke a cool story. I really like the plot and the characters. I think purple eyed guy should be her enemy. Poor Rachel :( Is Jack going to have cool powers as well? Maybe he should have the power to heal or something.
Sorry, I'm rambling on too much. I forgot to mention! I'm SapphireShadowgirl. I don't have a Fictionpress account yet, but when you mentioned that you had one I decided to read one of the stories :) It's really good! Please keep writing.
Aww! Don't stop writing! This seems lilke a cool story. I really like the plot and the characters. I think purple eyed guy should be her enemy. Poor Rachel :( Is Jack going to have cool powers as well? Maybe he should have the power to heal or something.
Sorry, I'm rambling on too much. I forgot to mention! I'm SapphireShadowgirl. I don't have a Fictionpress account yet, but when you mentioned that you had one I decided to read one of the stories :) It's really good! Please keep writing.
10/30/2012 c1 HerpDerp8215
Be advised: this is a review of your description only.
You need a comma after 'abilities' and there is no need for the quotes around it. Also, the following is a comma splice:
She is hunted by a new adversary, she seeks the help of a new boy who has never been faced with anything of the sorts.
Replace the comma with a period ans capitalize the 's' in 'she'. The 's' in 'sorts' is also unnecessary. It should read 'sort'.
Finally, the following should be one sentence:
Will love blossom or will Rachel's life be ended. Forever?
There should be a comma after 'blossom', the period after 'ended' is unnecessary, and 'forever' should be lowercase.
Hope this helps. :)
Be advised: this is a review of your description only.
You need a comma after 'abilities' and there is no need for the quotes around it. Also, the following is a comma splice:
She is hunted by a new adversary, she seeks the help of a new boy who has never been faced with anything of the sorts.
Replace the comma with a period ans capitalize the 's' in 'she'. The 's' in 'sorts' is also unnecessary. It should read 'sort'.
Finally, the following should be one sentence:
Will love blossom or will Rachel's life be ended. Forever?
There should be a comma after 'blossom', the period after 'ended' is unnecessary, and 'forever' should be lowercase.
Hope this helps. :)