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7/15/2014 c1 13Giang Tien
I love the snark and the wit. You have an intriguing writing style. But I did manage to catch some dialogue granmar errors.
2/23/2013 c4 23Yemi Hikari
I'll start off with technique issues. Most of the time you should spell out the numbers rather then using actual numerals. The exception is for long numbers like phone-numbers and similar numbers. The reason for this is because writing a number out in numeral form tens to stand out like a sore thumb and can interrupt the reading process. So instead of writing “12:30 A.M.” you should write twelve-thirty in the morning. It also looks cleaner.

You'll also want to indicate to the reader what genre you are going to be delving into.

In the first chapter I get to know that David lives with his dog, is a college student at night and works at a coffee shop during the day. As one of your other readers pointed out, it isn't easy to pay for an apartment with that kind of salary. It isn't just an issue with New York mind you, but a good deal of an apartments out there. I as a reader I'm not so worried about what time of year this is taking place in but how he is paying for his apartment and who this Eryka person is. Is she his older sister and is she helping him pay for college and the apartment? I'm assuming that he has some sort of help or at least a scholarship of some kind because the reason for moving away from family to go to school in New York would be to go to one of “the” unis there and they aren't cheap. This helps fill the reader in on David's background from earlier in life.

Moving onto the second chapter. The opening feels like the opening of the previous chapter in the fact you mention boxers at the beginning of both. No, it isn't the mentioning of boxers... look carefully at these two paragraphs. This is from the first chapter...

“He flew through his nightly routine, taking a shower and brushing his teeth, getting ready for the new day ahead of him. He layed in his bed, adjusting his boxers as he does so.”

And in the second chapter...

“Darren tossed his legs over his bed, adjusted his boxers, and yawned. It was the weekend and he was awake way too early in the morning in his opinion. He looked around his room and sighed. 'It's better to get ready, than to face my mother.' He thought resentfully, grabbed a towel, and headed to the bathroom.” And... “Darren walked out of his bathroom, towel lazily slung around his hips, and he strode into his closet. He pulled out some khakis and a shirt. He put on underwear then began dressing. His mom knocked on the door as hefinished putting on some underwear. His mom knocked on the door while he was putting his last sock on.

The second is way more descriptive, but you pretty much have both characters adjusting their boxers and taking showers at the very beginning of your story. I'm also going to say I disagree with something the other person said. It is possible to become friends with the guy that fixes your coffee every day. Why? Because you get to interact with him everyday and it becomes a part of life. Other then those things the stories flowing nicely.

Third chapter, I again find myself disagreeing with the other reviewer, but I can also understand why they came to the conclusion that they did. I now of situations where the tone taken by the principle is callous and cruel. You describe the tone that her son takes... he's bored, but not the teacher. Well, sort of. The way you wrote “he pointed towards the boy sitting in a chair looking bored” makes it seem like its the principle that is bored and not the boy. It should probably read as “he pointed towards the bored looking boy sitting in a chair." There are many, may ways to rewrite this one sentence. Location can be important, but the description that is really important are the actions of the characters. What body movements are they taking as well as what facial features and tones. Word choice can get your point across, or not at all as well.

Forth chapter, you do a really good job of answering my questions about how he is paying for his schooling. Sure, it didn't occur in the first chapter, but that is all right. If this was a published book I would normally be keeping the question in the back of my head for a bit. You answering the question as quickly as you did is a good thing though. Normally I'd say that you should do it within the first chapter or two, but technically it is still the first chapter or two for this particular character because of the particular kind of narrative you're using. If you added this much detail to that one previous character it will honestly be interesting to see where you go with the others, because the character development is very good.

I'll end this by saying that I thought this story wouldn't be my-cup-of-tea, but the forth chapter's really drawn me in. I don't tend to pay attention to my alerts when they come in, but I have placed this one on alert and I am looking forward to the next chapter, though there is a high chance I'll forget about it like I normally do with things. :P
2/17/2013 c4 2Cameran923
This was a longer chapter that I really enjoyed. This made me feel like I now know a lot more about David. Also I really like Carmen she seems to remind myself a lot about me and its always good to relate. The characters are getting a bit more depth but the flow is a little off in the beginning because its like you are using the same sayings right after each other but that can be easily fixed through some minor editing. I'm really enjoying seeing where this story is going.

P.S. can KK review my stories that type of constructive critism could really help me grow as a writer.
1/4/2013 c3 4Kurthulhu
Ok, If Ryker got in a physical fight (which I understand has not been necessarily established) with a teacher, in todays world, he'd probably have been arrested, and his mother would be picking him up from the police station.

If he got into an argument with a teacher, he might be suspended, but for 5 days? I kicked another student down a flight of stairs when I was in 8th grade, (A very long time ago) and only got suspended for three days. (true story)

The principal is not attacking Valerie. So, there is nothing for her to defend against. You should try and fix that. But, you don't explain anything about the argument in question that resulted in the suspension and Valerie having to come and pick Ryker up.

Otherwise, I really like how you have woven the three chapters together from the various points of view. Keep up the good work!

KK
1/4/2013 c2 Kurthulhu
I meant to say something else about Jackson. If he is not one of the main characters, you really don't need to say that he was "a short time friend", which, in itself really doesn't sound right. Would you describe someone as a friend, if they were just the guy that fixes your coffee?

Other than that, just a couple of spelling errors.
1/4/2013 c1 Kurthulhu
This is quite good. Some of your descriptions of things don't flow with the quality of the dialogue, which is nicely done. A little stiff, but nothing you can't tweak here and there. There are a few small spelling errors, but nothing major.

For instance, In the first paragraph, We drop in on the scene with a cab, and in it we find a college student. We learn right away that nights have been hard, because of classes running so late. Your readers will probably want to know just a tiny bit more about him, being a main character. I read your note about not using his name right away. Don't worry about style. You will develop that in time.

Readers connect with the story through the characters, and it helps to know more about the person through which we are experiencing the world you have created.

Being that this is set in New York, I can help you out a bit. I lived there once, a long time ago. There are lots of colleges and universities in the city. So, having David use a cab is fine. Parking costs more than renting an apartment in some cities.

That being said, apartments in NYC are ridiculously expensive, and even a tiny rat and cockroach infested studio apartment is going to cost more than a college student working part time in a coffee shop will make.

You might want to describe something about the time of year, or the environment. Is it summer? If so, he might be riding in a crappy cab with no air conditioning, or a newer one where it works fine.
You used the term highway, which conjures the wrong image.

Busy NYC traffic on a friday night is a deceptively slow moving river of humanity. I's got an undercurrent that never stops. The sidewalks are crowded, even late at night in some places. It's noisy, too. He'd be unlikely to fall asleep in a cab. See, cab drivers make their money getting people from place to place, and they weave and dodge in and out of traffic blowing their horns, maybe, or even yelling at other idiot drivers.

Okay, moving on... As I said, your dialogue is pretty good. But, the some of the (not all, though) action that accompanies it is kind of odd. The thing that hit me as odd was David's reaction to Jackson "invading his personal space" That is something that is different for everyone, and as we know very little about David as yet, it just make him seem like kind of a jerk.

You'd be better served if you had David notice Jackson coming over, and thinking something about how he didn't like how close Jackson stood to him, and despite being a nice guy, maybe a little over excited, talked too loud, and always slapped him on the back with a little too much force. But, having David "command" Jackson to "please back up" makes David seem distant... and a jerk. )

Ok, the last thing I will say about this chapter is about Jackson's brief dialogue. Prose is literal. When you write that a character does X, the reader will not think, "Well, I suppose the author meant that he actually did Y." The reader will assume that you wrote what you meant, and it might not make sense in whatever context in which the event was taking place.

Ok. That's enough for now. I need a sandwich. Keep up the good work!

KK
11/28/2012 c3 2Cameran923
Finally a girl, next chapter is when the REAL fun begins.
11/19/2012 c2 Cameran923
I can't wait to meet the third person, these first two seem very interesting and when that all go to counseling it should get more intense.
11/3/2012 c1 Cameran923
It's really good, I can't wait for the next chapter. And, not to contradict your authors note, but I'm fairly certain you called him David multiple times.

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