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for When the Music Stops

2/18/2014 c4 oboeaa4
is really good
She swears more than in the beginning
Really? If I was pregnant and my brain was my baby I would have an abortion? Really ann?
"Bitch number two" how nice, they have names.
2/18/2014 c3 30inwardtransience
First paragraph. Damn. Actually this whole opening xD

[I'm pretty sure those people are potheads, but that's not the point.]

I didn't coerce you to do nothing xD

You did that thing I do to you where I get so absorbed into the story I forget to comment. This shit was really, really good. I know you're not at all confident with your writing, but it was amazing. I'm pretty sure I've told you this already. You're a really good writer, and I think you too easily forget that.

Try to stay on the writing horse. Your writing makes me...not exactly happy, I guess, but it inspires emotions in me that are very powerful, and I love it. So thank you c:

Can't wait to read chapter four! :D
8/29/2013 c2 TheOneAndOnlyBangBang
You should just say: This was good. I liked it. aye luv yo aass homeskillet
8/10/2013 c3 4whatthegreencarrot
[I feel uneasy about this though.] It's a personal opinion, but I'd drop a comma before "though."

[I make sure to shut the door hard enough that the photograph taped there would slice through the air before landing on the ground.] "Would" is a purely hypothetical word. You should probably just write "slices" or "will slice," because in present tense, "would" just doesn't fit.

[I ditch the computer. I do not need you. I am not a high strung person. I do not need anything.] Everything after "computer" should be in italics, I think, because of the "you" in "I do not need you." If you were to change it to "I do not need it," then the italics would be unnecessary, but the "you" signifies thought, and thoughts are usually in italics.

I'm picky, I know. Bear with me.

So that's it? Bee takes a bunch of pills, but she doesn't get high or sick or anything? Damn, she must have an awesome metabolism. Hold on, I need to finish this chapter.

[Even the hands in my lap and hair resting on my torso feels foreign.] I'm not entirely sure what this sentence means, mainly because there are only two hands, which means that they can't all be on/in her lap, torso, and hair at the same time. Nevertheless, I'd put a comma after "hair" and "torso."

Oi, I like the smell of cigarette smoke. Don't bash it, LOL.

[I jog to catch up to Mom who is forging down the sidewalk.] Comma after "Mom."

[Whoever designed this city should look at a fucking color wheel.] Ah, that one made me smile. We'll make a comedian of you yet. Smart. Moving on...

I don't know how you can write so much with so little dialogue. I'd probably have given up by now; I practically need dialogue for every paragraph that I make. And speaking of paragraphs, yours are pretty long, which I occasionally find threatening. Reading is great sometimes, but my motto during the school year is, "Read? I don't read."

The girl with the violin reminds me a little bit of a YouTuber named Lindsey Stirling. Her YouTube account is lindseystomp, and she makes videos of her playing the violin. Dumpster violin and all that. I discovered her through a singing group called Pentatonix (who are friggin' angels sent from heaven), in their collab cover of "Radioactive." Look it up if you've never seen it. It'll change your life.

I'll say. Jumping the gun like a good little girl. Just to be straight, is this going to be an AnastasiaxBee slash fiction? I'm just wondering.
7/29/2013 c1 10Complex Variable
[It's different when its Mom's friends that have watched me grow up] - - - "its" should be " it's "

[Not that I am suggesting that I'm beautiful enough to draw in old perverted men, but to me, it doesn't seem like perverted old men really care if you're beautiful or not. I keep my lips shut tight, not comfortable with all of this attention at all.] - - - Oh 've moved into this sort of subject matter barely two paragraphs into the first chapter of the story? Damn, this is going to be intense. :o

["Nothing can stop me from sensing the anticipation in all of their eyes. The gleam that announces the unspoken question starts to glimmer in their eyes. "Just how big is this girl?"] - - - My god, this is creepy. xo

[I'm paranoid, I know it. They aren't after me.] - - - I really like this whole paragraph. xD It works quite well as a mechanism for characterizing Beatrice. By implying that the ramblings with which the chapter opens are just that—ramblings—we can understand Beatrice's worries as outgrowths of her character/personality, rather than an objective description of reality.

[But, everyone is looking at him, the poor guy who gets to be stared at by the entire table. ] - - - This feels redundant.

["Um, I-I guess I'll have the… s-strawberry spinach salad?"] - - - xD Eww….

[Something tells me that he would say that even] - - - I would recommend rephrasing this, maybe as "Something tells me he would've said that"

[but it seems like my shy, embarrassed way is making] - - - I don't think "way" is the right word here. Maybe "demeanor" or "disposition" or "attitude"?

[God, I am so paranoid.] - - - I would put this off as its own line, for emphasis. :3

[Please, make it stop. Everyone is staring at me, judging my actions.] - - - Why not go all the way with the stream-of-consciousness thing you have going on in the narration. I.E., something like "Please, make it stop. Everyone is staring at me, judging my actions. Stop staring at me. Stop staring at me! I mean it!"

I think that having just a tiny bit more of a "freak-out" on the page will make the narrator even more compelling than she already is.

[I take a shuddery breath as conversation about adult things start to take over. ] - - - You either need to make it say "conversations" or change "to take" to "taking" (but not both changes!); as it is, I'm pretty sure this is grammatically incorrect.

[It's totally stupid, ] - - - I would make that comma a period.

[Terrified, I freeze, my veins pooling with the adrenaline and the blood racing through my veins.] - - - the repeated use of the word "veins" here is annoying.

[They're a very small squinty shape, and set very far back in his head. ] - - - ditto for the use of "very" in this sentence.

[The condensation makes the drink feel even slicker in my unsteady grasp.] - - - "makes the glass", not "makes the drink".

For the paragraph that starts with [I manage to calm down somewhat, and spare a quick glance at everyone around me.], I think you use "smile" too much here. I feel like you could communicate this information about Beatrice's Mom's mood without being so repetitive.

You do a really good job of capturing a completely discombobulated, paranoid, highly worried teenage girl.

[Stagehands are setting up the stage] - - - xD This sounds awkward.

[It distracts me to watch them in a pleasant way.] - - - Maybe try "Watching them distracts me—but in a pleasant sort of way."

[No, he continues to touch my knee right there…. He wants to soak into my skin and crawl into a deep pit in my body] - - - All of this is so wonderfully creepy. Really, really disturbing. Seriously. xo

[And that's when she walks out. The violinist, my savior. ] - - - Anastasia's entrance into the chapter is like a shaft of light, almost. It adds great contrast. However, I think that you could have moved ahead to this part of the chapter a little more swiftly than you have so far. In my opinion, the first "phase" of this chapter (up till the point where Walter starts fondling Bee) goes on for just a bit too long—it starts getting monotonous, especially because we're really just being exposed to Beatrice's personality through and through, and at time, it feel like you are repeating yourself. Personally, I would try to streamline the first half of the chapter; ideally, you'd want Anastasia to enter at the very middle of the chapter, rather than at the start of the last third of the chapter. At least, that's my preference. :3

[And then the beauty grounds me, sending me right back into my shell-shocked body. Right back into that regal dining room and right back to that music. It sounds like pure beauty to my ears. Its sound is sweet and harmonious.] - - - Great job with the whole describing-music passage. As I said, things Anastasia-related in this chapter provide a great contrast to Bee's ruminating, cyclical, slightly manic ramblings.

[The violinist is trying to resist the music. She tries to lock her muscles and joints so that she is standing still, but it looks so much more passionate while looking at her dance. She can't resist the temptation of losing herself to the music. ] - - - As a musician myself, I have a bit of difficulty understanding why you are saying this. Generally speaking, the whole point IS to lose yourself in the music. So why would Anastasia be trying to "resist" it? Or is there a plot or character-related reason for this? Just curious.

[aurally in a haunting explosion of limbs and sweet music.] - - "aurally" seems to poke through this sentence like a thorn, confusing it up.

[There isn't an inch of space on the stage that she doesn't use. She moves back and forth, and it's simply stunning. She will occasionally bend backwards. Slowly falling backwards until her back almost touches her calf during the slow parts of the song, ] - - - xD Wait… what? Not to be rude, but, this isn't how anyone would play the violin. You just stand in place, more or less.

[but it a really, really pleasant way, which sounds really odd] - - - This could be said in a much stronger, clearer way. As is, it is interfering with the flow and mood of this part of the chapter.

[squishy flesh is all over the floor] - - - IMO, "squishy" has a silly sound to it that just ruins the mood.

[And then the scene changes…. People are looking at her in awe and clapping, and once she exits, their eyes lay on Walter's body.] - - - personally, I think you should cut out this whole paragraph. I feel like it forcibly explains things that are already nicely implied in the rest of the text—namely, that the violin/music saved Beatrice, not just physically, but emotionally too. Always be careful: sometimes, telling the reader TOO much ends up making your narration a barrier between the reader and their experience of the character. Also, I think that it is too rushed, just putting this all in here at the very end. It's much more realistic to have the chapter end with Bee (and the reader) in a "WTF just happened?!" state, and then let her explore the consequences of this event upon her emotional state and her outlook on life as the story progresses. I think that the ending should just be:

"I think I'm going to be sick. I feel nauseous and light headed. Is this even happening right now? I don't know what's real anymore.

He's pronounced dead as soon as the ambulance arrives."

Don't you think that's a lot more powerful? I certainly do. :3

5/22/2013 c1 TheOneAndOnlyBangBang
That was a shocker. Anyway, I really like your writing style. The thoughts are frantic and really well done. I read a lot of first person stories that aren't very good at getting natural responses from the narrator, but you seem to handle this aspect really well. You cover the shock of Walter "touching" her, and the fractured thoughts and questions, how someone would usually react to that situation, rather than having her simply go "oh that's weird, now I'm going to ignore it and continue describing the scene".

I liked her quirkiness as well, not many people would describe smiling as [tugging at facial muscles], specifically the [facial muscles] bit, which I'm presuming is down to her character and personality. It makes her unique and makes it clear that it is her you should be focusing on.

I thought this was a really good start, not very gripping at first, but culminating in a surprising shock at the end, which has caught my attention. Well done!
5/21/2013 c2 30inwardtransience
[He says that as if his car got a flat tire that caused us to be an hour home late]
"us to be home an hour late"

[my episode apparently didn't seem to help aide me]
Drop aide or help maybe?

[The secret place in between life and death.]
omg I fucking loved this, you don't even know. The beginning to that end section...hell, just that whole thing. It was amazing. Love love love love love.

I've already told you what I think about this, but I thought you deserved a review c:
You're a really amazing writer when you put your mind to it, and these thoughts of Bee's are powerful. I look forward to seeing more of your writing, and more of her. I'll start betaing three for you whenever you're ready :D
4/27/2013 c2 14Shampoo Suicide
I read your peer edit version a bit late so I came here to see if it was posted; I was pleased it was because I found it pretty remarkable. Your descriptions of the dissociation and scrambled thoughts are really great. I'm just a big fan of your writing style.
3/30/2013 c1 2Jalux
I thought the writing and description was excellent, it really provided an excellent image of the world you've created. The characterization was also well-done, notably on Bee.

I felt the start was not a good hook though, it really didn't feel that interesting. Personally I'd go for something that hooks the reader in a bit more rather then a simple conversation. Honestly not sure what to recommend without messing around with what you have here but it's a suggestion.
3/20/2013 c1 13VelvetyCheerio
O_O I certainly wasn't expecting that to happen.

I thought the opening was a little awkward.

[Mom looks over at me, a forced smile tugging at her facial muscles.] Mostly just the use of "facial muscles". It's very technical, compared to the rest of the language.

I feel really bad about Beatrice's situation, though. She projects a certain air of one part nervousness and one part internal monologue that I find familiar and easy to relate to. Her paranoia makes me a little curious, though. I wonder if she's had a similar experience in her past, or if she's just really socially inept. I mean, on one end she said she wasn't all that great at conversations, but I wonder if she would feel the same way that she did if it were women at the table as opposed to men.

[you would think there were more women around her office.] This sentence is also kind of awkward to me. I think you could change "were" to "would be".

[Even though they are the one serving them, they do not appreciate it at all.] The pronouns here are a bit confusing.

What a greaseball that man was. I'm glad his head exploded. xD But how interesting that Beatrice should witness him exploding in such a surreal fashion. What exactly did that music do? And who is this violinist? The descriptions of her playing I thought were nice and flowed well. The premise you have for this story has a lot of potential and I'd love to read more of it. :)
3/17/2013 c1 GingerusMaximus
please forgive my french but HOLY MOTHERFUCKING BALLSACK THAT WAS GOOD. jesus christ i want moreeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
now in the way of actual reviewing, there are some awkward phrasings. The part where she's talking about her favorite song playing in her head read a little weird, and a few other points have iffy phrasing. Other than that, this was excellent.
3/5/2013 c2 2MariaHarundinis
I still really like your story, but this chapter felt a bit... weird? I just had the feeling that it was moving a bit to fast. Why would Anastasia immediately ask Bee to join her, when they've only just met and talked for only a minute? And why would Bee trust Anastiasia right away (after she just witnessed her killing someone) and immediately go with her? I felt like they had to get acquainted just a bit longer. Their going off together just seemed too easy and too quick to me.
But apart from that: I still think it's a great story. Original idea, wonderfully written... I can't wait for an update :)
2/28/2013 c1 MariaHarundinis
Wow! Simply wow! Your descriptions are just beautiful. The way you characterize Bee... this is absolutely great! There was only one part that I thought was a bit... well, it wasn' bad or anything, just not as great as the rest, and that was the ending. After "And then the music stops". Up until then your descriptions were so beautiful, it was funny, but then all of a sudden it's a bit hurried, like you wanted to end this chapter quickly. But apart from that: I absolutely loved it. I certainly want to read more.
2/21/2013 c1 30inwardtransience
I've read this before, but this time I'm actually going to review it.

Firstly, I'm just going to say that I really don't like first-person present. It feels awkward to me. /However/, it can be a /very/ good way to stress someone's emotional state. So take that with a grain of salt, I guess. What I mean to say with this is I'm going to try to be as fair reviewing as I can, but since I'm not a first-person present kind of girl, that might make things seem more negative than they would be otherwise. I'll try to avoid that, though.

[...a forced smile tugging at her facial muscles.]
This, to me, sounds really weird. I'll reserve final judgement on this until I know more about the character (it's been a while).

[Not that I am suggesting that I'm beautiful enough to draw in old perverted men, but to me, it doesn't seem like perverted old men really care if you're beautiful or not.]
I think this is when I really started liking this the first time I read it. The way you pull the reader into the mindset of the character is brilliantly done. Love it.

[...cloth napkin on the ground of the really expensive restaurant.]
I don't like this sentence. For one thing, nit-picky me says it should be "floor," not "ground." Another thing, I don't like how you're pulling in the setting this way. I'm not sure how to word what I'm thinking. It just feels awkward to me.

[...there is another one invading me from across the table.]
The use of "me" instead of "it" or "my space" here is excellent. It hit me really hard, how violated this makes B feel. And such a simple thing! Great choice.

I absolutely love the depiction of B's state of mind. It is so well done. I don't even know what to say. It just resonates with me so well. And the use of both long, rambly and short, syncopated sentences always compliments the statements themselves.

Oh. Just oh. I'm loving this so much.

[...I'm about to clamp my ears over my hands to drown him out...]
I am hoping so much that that slip was made on purpose, because if it was it's an /excellent/ use of a character's state of mind influencing the narration itself. But if it was an accident? Keep it :D

[...her mouth muscles probably aching...]
Okay, ignore the thing I said before about mouth muscles. Now it works.

I am loving B's state of mine. It is just so well written. Like this bit about God and evil right here. I can't even...

[...but the price and the amount are really killing my appetite.]
"Portion" should probably be used instead of "amount."

[That way, no one gets hurt and there's no one to blame because it will be perfect.]
Oh my God, I didn't catch that the first time. That was brilliant.

[...playing my favorite song in my head at the moment, the lyrics screaming and bouncing around in my head.]
There isn't necessarily anything wrong with this, exactly, but it makes me feel a little off-balance to have the same phrase like that so close to each other. But you're not in the business of making me comfortable.

[Sometimes I feel really weird, but other times I feel like I'm the only normal person in the whole world.]

[He wants to be lotion.]
Oh my God, the use of this metaphor is amazing. Seriously. Great stuff.

You make me say "oh my God" a lot XD

Maybe you could go on about B's envy of the violinist a little more. Not necessary, but it seemed a little abrupt for me.

Your description of the music is really quite excellent. I'm not really sure what to say about it other than I would probably rather read your writing than listen to what you're describing.

[..trying to empty his body of any fluids that could have once kept him alive.]

The writing at the end here is a little stumbling. I know how it can be when you get to the end of a scene and it's like Woo I'm almost done! and you get a little looser with what works. Or maybe it's just because B's state of mind is no longer the focus of the narration, as it had been before. It just feels different to me, a little out of key (ha, music pun). So while this part is still good, I think it could be made excellent with just a little sprinkling of B's signature psyche. If I'm making sense.

Now for overall stuff.
I loved it. I loved it the first time and I love it now. The immersion into the character's mind you've created with this first chapter is just...I don't even know what to say. It's awesome. You're awesome :D

I've seen some of the other reviews on here, and there are a couple things they said you shouldn't listen to. Like things about run on sentences, or sentence fragments, things like that. That's all style, don't listen to them. One could even say you're above such things.

Usually I think of reviewing as seeing the story as a growing experience, and giving the writer advice on how to grow further. But I don't even know how to do that here! You're too good for it. You just have to find your own way to grow. When I imagine what your writing will be like once you have had an opportunity to grow, to develop into the author you'll be...

Well, that'll be something, won't it?
1/27/2013 c1 1Alluring Shadows
CC time. :D

["He looks like he enjoys that."] I think 'enjoys' would be 'enjoyed' in this case, because the pervy little action happened a second ago, or in the past.

["It's like believing in fate, and believing in fate is like believing in God, and believing in God is like thinking that someone is in control of this, and if someone is in control of this, why aren't they helping me?"]
I don't entirely know here, but I think you could use a semi-colon in place of the comma 'and' somewhere. I'd put it between the first and second 'and' though, if I'm correct about this.

["He seems like a filthy person, I don't know why"] You need to put 'and' after the comma to make this a nice, pretty sentence.

What I also noticed is that you like to put incomplete thoughts that would go better with another sentence by themselves. A few are okie, in my opinion, since they aren't too important, or they're adding to Beatrice's anxiety. But there are a few that makes the story's flow look slightly awkward, and those would go better with something connecting them to another sentence or making them more like a complete thought.

End CC, because that's all I feel like mentioning. 0D

My mind is blown, Twin. It's absolutely bloooown. There are so many mysteries that I have to solve and and and and. -

But, ah. Back from fangirling. :D

Great job with this! There are a few really tiny details that I didn't knit-pick in the story, but I didn't feel like making this review extremely long, so. :'D I MUST READ THE NEXT CHAPTERRRRRR.
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