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5/25/2015 c4 AJA
This is amazing! I love this story and I wish it had more chapters. Sure there are some errors with the paragraphing and such.
I hope you update or think about updating. :)
1/11/2013 c4 2JDjeen
Yo, thought I'd check out your story since you have been so graciously supporting mine. I want to offer some (hopefully) constructive criticism. I believe your piece would benefit from more description of the setting. (I do realize the irony due to my use of stage directions to establish setting.) I think you could use this as an opportunity to give greater emotional resonance and backstory to Garrison. Have him contemplate the setting of his indentured servitude through his description on his new digs.

Keep writing,
Johan
1/5/2013 c2 1Ithinkilikecheese
This was quite good. As said before some mistakes. Make sure you make a new paragraph when someone else speaks. Also, I understand that fragments sometimes add to style, or even grace, but sometimes, when used to much, they can be a little but of an eye sore, but you did well, just make sure not to use it too often, or it will lose its use. Also watch those commas, don't use them when you don't need them. I believe writers created commas to destroy humankind, a little joke. The little fudgers are so annoying and can be hard to learn how to use.
1/5/2013 c1 Ithinkilikecheese
Ok I liked this. There were some mistakes, and sometimes you comma spliced sentences like here, "He smelled his own singed hair, and the sickly sweet smell of burned flesh." You do not need the comma there seeing as those two things are grouped together, and then it's only two things, not a whole list.

This paragraph: "The words stopped. The sudden silence inside his head was deafening. He attempted to move, but system feedback told him that his arms and legs were broken, and several ribs. He had a punctured lung, and he could barely breathe. Tasted the coppery tang of fresh blood." Was a little choppy and lacked some flow. I don't think the last sentence was a sentence. Other than grammatical and flow mistakes, this was really good. I can't wait to find out what's happening.
11/13/2012 c4 1BionicMuffins
Hmm, I'm interested in seeing what happens next. I hope you continue soon!
11/6/2012 c4 22Life'sInevitable
I just finished all 4 chapters and i can't wait for more!

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