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for Dreams on Wind

1/19/2013 c1 11Kay Iscah
The first three lines do have something of a nice poetic melody or rhythm to them, but the rest of the poem doesn't keep up that rhythm which is a shame.

I'm confused as to why "snow" gets it's own line.

I think with some restructuring you could get a nice continuous imagery. Snow melts, leaves fall, sand blows away, but there's a lot of image clutter in this poem like the clock. Clocks just sit there.

I would strongly consider dropping these lines:

"Some would call me tranquil
others might say depressed.
But I am merely confused."

Because they interrupt flow and are a redundant tell. The rest of the poem paints this mix of tranquil/depressed/questioning, so it feels a bit like getting hit over the head to have it restated.
12/23/2012 c1 76The Autumn Queen
I really like the soft melody of this; it gives the poem a sort of condensed yet wafty feeling. Sort of liquidy I suppose, but it gives the poem a form while not making it rock solid, and I think that's probably the best structure when talking about the heart; it's just malleable enough to be alive in a subtle way but at the same time not so strong as to lose that inner depth.

I also like the imagery of this, starting out with something that seems purely physical and alluding to its metaphorical meaning by bringing about carefully related images which all seem to centre around time. You've cleverly chosen those images: the sand, innocence becoming dark - they seem to show a slow and subtle aging process. Overall, a really beautiful poem.

And welcome back. I haven't seen you on RG in quite a while.

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