Just In
for The Jaguar

12/9/2012 c1 4B. J. Winters
I liked this - very visual. The descriptions are vivid.

The only only thing that struck me as needing a touch more clarity was the amount of time it might take to accomplish the task without the other two parties moving out of the way. You could make the action faster (example: rather than emptied the bottle, choose "tossed").

You also have "The red bottle hanging dead in her hand", and "Lana stared dead with her cold blue eyes" and - I'd change one of the two to avoid repetition.

I'd actually delete the last sentence as I think the one before is stronger ending.

Overall though I thought the scene high impact with a well rounded use of all five senses. Nice work.
11/16/2012 c1 3Grammatical Assassin
Hey, do me a favor. If I should ever make your sh!t-list, call me, write me, give me a chance to apologize, don't just be showin' up with a can of gas!

Hahaha, I liked it. It is insane, but then I'm sure "rational" was not your key concern for this piece.

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service