for Private Dancer - poem about obsession, suicide any feedback welcome x11/24/2012 c1 
8Grimpeddler
I really enjoyed the concept of this poem, especially the first and last verses. The problem was with the delivery of the concept (If I can give a little constructive criticism?). There were, not rhyme troubles, but rhythm troubles. Make sure your punctuation fits so that you can read it without getting all jumbled. Take the last verse. You have it down as:
He was her private dancer
his last dance lance her
deep sleep enchants her
The way you have it, you would read it all as one sentence, since that's how poetry is read without punctuation. He was her private dancer his last dance lance her deep sleep enchants - all in one breath. You need some sort of pause in between lines, just to give it better flow, like a coma or a period. Speaking of flow, there are a few problems with that too, just minor ones really. I don't really know how to give a solution, since I write and I write by the 'feel.' I f it 'feels' off, I write it the 'right' way. I don't know how, which is something I need to be more eloquent. Take once again, the last verse. The second line there is '... his last dance lance her.' I'd go by instinct there and add an extra syllable, somewhere around or after 'dance.' I think it may have something to do with the first and third lines and their syllable count, but I don't know, so don't listen to me ;)
Anywho, good things! I really, REALLY liked what you did with the first and last verses. How they mirror eachother is very good, and I think it'd be wonderful if you moved the first verse around to match their formats. You know, have the 'enchant' part on the same lines in each, so on, so on.
Anyway, that's all I've got. I hope I didn't offend anyone, because let me tell you, I've had the same problems. Good luck!
8GrimpeddlerI really enjoyed the concept of this poem, especially the first and last verses. The problem was with the delivery of the concept (If I can give a little constructive criticism?). There were, not rhyme troubles, but rhythm troubles. Make sure your punctuation fits so that you can read it without getting all jumbled. Take the last verse. You have it down as:
He was her private dancer
his last dance lance her
deep sleep enchants her
The way you have it, you would read it all as one sentence, since that's how poetry is read without punctuation. He was her private dancer his last dance lance her deep sleep enchants - all in one breath. You need some sort of pause in between lines, just to give it better flow, like a coma or a period. Speaking of flow, there are a few problems with that too, just minor ones really. I don't really know how to give a solution, since I write and I write by the 'feel.' I f it 'feels' off, I write it the 'right' way. I don't know how, which is something I need to be more eloquent. Take once again, the last verse. The second line there is '... his last dance lance her.' I'd go by instinct there and add an extra syllable, somewhere around or after 'dance.' I think it may have something to do with the first and third lines and their syllable count, but I don't know, so don't listen to me ;)
Anywho, good things! I really, REALLY liked what you did with the first and last verses. How they mirror eachother is very good, and I think it'd be wonderful if you moved the first verse around to match their formats. You know, have the 'enchant' part on the same lines in each, so on, so on.
Anyway, that's all I've got. I hope I didn't offend anyone, because let me tell you, I've had the same problems. Good luck!