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for Individual Fragments of Certain Stories

4/9/2013 c1 radical
it'a actually my first tym reading a manga story from this website and i find it rlly good. The story for me is good and it attracts me. i'll continue reading until the end so keep up the good work
1/15/2013 c1 1Animel
This opening really got me excited to get reading the next chapters, which is so important for an introduction and great for me, as I'm happy to have something to look forward to reading now! Seems like a fantastic idea from first glance-I love that now you can tell as much or as little of any number of stories but that there will now exist this deeper level, this sort of jaded precursor to whatever follows.

The last four lines are my favorite.

All I would say is that for starters (no pun intended) Prologue: The Beginnings is redundant. That's what a prologue is, so there's no need for that title. Alternatively, this could be chapter one, called "The Beginning(s)" (is the 's' meant to indicate that this is how all the stories begin, or should it be singular as it is the start of our story or this first story?) or anything else.

The other thing is that since especially in this format you need to draw your reader in right away, I would consider rearranging or altering your opening. The first sentence is extremely difficult to visualize-how can they be surrounded by darkness and light? Then, it's a bit of description, which is perfectly fine and even necessary, but maybe not as the very first lines, because there is nothing really compelling until 'You're taking this lightly' and you really want the first few lines to be some of the most powerful. Once the reader is drawn in, describe all you want, but the key is getting interest fast.

Just my thoughts, but like I said, I loved it and I'm off to read the next chapter.
12/31/2012 c2 11Kay Iscah
Hrm, okay I get that these are supposed to be fragments of stories, but it still felt like things were being told backwards. There are funny concepts, but I'm not sure there was enough set up for it. Not unless you're going for pure out and out silly. In which case, I'd pick humor as your genre and fantasy as the subgenre.

I t would be a shame to do that cause this is actually a really interesting set up. I think if the slapstick was dialed down a few notches and there was a tad more set up before the opening line, it would have more impact and work both as fantasy and humor.

Since you're not doing any more with these characters, it would help to cut back to Elli, Dimio, and Lothos and get their reactions to the scene...I think that would help give the piece some cohesion.
12/31/2012 c1 Kay Iscah
This story is so visual that I wonder if it might work better as a comic or anime.

But approaching it as prose, it feels a little awkward, like maybe some things are over explained for a mysterious feel and under explained for bringing the reader into this surreal world.

While I appreciate that you're trying to describe things in a way that's not the same old, same old. I wonder if you might be trying too hard. Is darkness with a milion points of light supposed to talking about space and stars? If so, why not just say stars? If not, you may need to describe the initial dark/light orientation more specifically.

Lothos loud booming voice should be described as such the first time he speaks rather than midway through the conversation.

I'm iffy on the humor...very anime style, which isn't necessarily bad, but can get a little corny for ancient beings such as these seem to be. Ancient beings can certainly be irreverent, but they tend to do it in a very layered way.

You may have good reason for holding the roles of the characters back. But with Lothos in particular I wanted to know what his function in the universe was. Seems like he should have a fancy title.

I think there are some intriguing ideas and character concepts here. Gotta love a Yin Yang motif, but I'm wondering if your head is more in a Manga space than really focused on prose presentation.
12/18/2012 c2 Secret Santa
I like the way that you characterized the demon queen as a sucidal person who's only purpose is to be killed because it gives the story a lot of humor and made it enjoyable for the readers to read and offered a unique spin on demons as a whole. I disliked the fact that the Hero has no name because it gives me a sense of isolation annd making it hard for me to connect to the character at all.
-Keep writin and rockin
12/12/2012 c2 9Tumbleweedr
I like the "lazy hero" character you have. Reluctant is one thing, but this guy seems downright lazy. Too much work to even lift his sword. I like it a lot. It's something new and refreshing. I also didn't feel bogged down with description, so it was easy to read. You gave just the right amount of description to imagine the scene without it dragging.

I'm not sure if there's something missing, or if it was supposed to be this way, but after the first "Nooooo!" it says something about "her captive" and he's lying on the floor. I take it she's knocked him to the ground and is holding him? That part was pretty confusing because I didn't realize anything had happened and I had to make that assumption. I'm don't really care for the lack of names, either, but if that's your style, I guess it works for you. And with only these three characters, I could see it working out.
12/11/2012 c2 8Jax Creation
Couple of typos I must have missed in the document:

"only to discover that his work had [alsmost] been for nothing."

"His supposed mortal enemy was [asking] for him to kill her."
—I think this should be italics (emphasis)

"...more like claws than any human body part"
—Missing a full stop at the end

"The collection of [flame] on his palm..."

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oo!"/"You can't! We need to leave a corpse behind to make a clear statement to the demons!"
—Delete the random space in "no"
—The part where she tackles him seems to missing?

"Look you,"
—Should be a comma before "you" (My bad on that one.)

Will get the next chapter back to you soon. :3
12/11/2012 c2 pollyspocket
The chapter was fast and didn't clutter, which is so much better than a chapter that involves descriptions for every little thing (*cough* myself *cough) and I deeply admire your writing for that.
I did find it a little comical that the Demon Queen didn't want to be murdered, as it was a "custom" of sort. It reminded me of the scene in the movie "Forrest Gump" where Lieutenant Dan begs Forrest to leave him to die, because, simply, it was what his fathers and their fathers did in war. He wanted to follow that sequence of deaths like the Demon Queen wanted to and I found it comical and enchanting, really, because it all seems like a fairy tail that is quite different.
There is one thing that I wanted to mention: the style of dialogue. I enjoyed the story, I really did, and you write very well, but words like "you're bugging me" and "hell no" just didn't particularly seem like Fantasy talk. But that is only me, and your writing it fine the way it is. I am being very honest with you: your work is good. I can see your style of writing in books, because it's not cluttered, you describe things simply and smoothly, and it is like a movie in my head. Most stories is like a very LONG move in my head. :)
Good job! I enjoyed it very much. Great addition to introduce the characters in the prologue ;)
12/11/2012 c1 pollyspocket
Oh, wow. This is a pleasant surprise for a story on here!
Though I am still a bit confused on what exactly it is this Elli and Dimio do, I'm enjoying your names and the title of this story is extravagant, like the feel I get from reading only the Prologue. I sense them as being very polite, these two, and it's very interesting. Wonderful writing!
12/11/2012 c2 2Ghost Divsion
The story is good, but the first problem I see is that after the first fourth of the story, where the demon queen makes her reveal that she is supposed to die, the main character comes off as whiney and unwilling to do his job. If there is a tradition that has been going on for generations you shouldn't stop just because the end isn't what you expected. It makes the character feel as if he has no commitment, which he doesn't, but still. The girl is much better because her personality is much more fleshed out and has a better overall personality. She comes off as impulsive and knowing what she wants, which makes for a very good character.

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