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for Those will never Grow

6/4/2016 c1 2R.M.Spencer
First off I really love the second stanza. The imagery of the whisper strings was really well done. Small thing, it should be bare feet, not barefeet (barefoot is written that way but it doesn't apply to the plural).
I also really like the close. It feels simple (in a strong way) and a bit sad.
Make sure that the first letter of each line is not capitalized unless it is supposed to be (as in the first letter of a new sentence) because it interrupts the flow of the poem.
You have some very strong, well done elements here, but I think the lyric aspect of the poem obscures it. I actually have no idea what is going on in this poem. Don't let a desire for pretty language ruin the message/story of the it.
Honestly, if you cut everything but the second and last stanza it would be a very poignant piece. Of course, this is just a thought. It is your work and you have to be happy with it.
12/12/2012 c1 11berley
Hey there from The Review Game. Thanks for sharing your poem on fictionpress.

Just to mirror back to you how I read the poem, I think it’s about a lost relationship of some kind. The narrator seems to have feelings for this man and either the relationship is over, or it never got the chance to start.

The first thing I noticed about this piece is that I would like to see more specific concrete details because that would help evoke a much stronger image for the reader. I found that a lot of the lines where a little abstract. For example, “My wonder bouncing in your pocket.” That’s too abstract. What’s that suppose to look like or mean for the reader? Same with the line “slouched with lust.” What does that look like? Remember to stay specific and concrete, and once you have that down in a poem then you can start moving into more abstract ideas.

I felt that the poem falls a little flat in the middle, especially at the end of the second stanza and the stanza after that. You come a little too close to over sentimentality with the line about all the narrator knowing was down. I think you could pump this section up with some imagery to show the reader how the narrator was feeling instead of straight up telling the reader.

I did like the line “I wanted to imagine that your voice/Was the low wind around my ankles” but I think that it could be made stronger, like a lot of the lines in this poem, with some stronger verbs. I also really liked the last line of the poem. It’s always good to end a poem with a strong image, and you ending it with something specific like him throwing sunflower seeds over this shoulder was great.

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