for Philosopher of War12/17/2012 c1 
19Anihyr Moonstar
I like the argument you present here. I think you do a good job defending two famous and easy-to-misunderstand (if taken at face value) phrases Machiavelli put forth. It's always important to dig deeper than just the surface when you're trying to understand an argument and a person's views and I think you do a good job of addressing that and elaborating where relevant.
I think the writing itself here is on the dry side (mostly due to sentence formatting - the structure you use to present your ideas). Essays can be extremely difficult to make 'lively' or interesting, but it can be done. You might (if you were interested or even allowed to experiment) consider varying up your presentation methods, trying to use less passive voice (dead verbs am/are/is/was/were, be/being/been, has/have/had, do/does/did, etc.), and throw in some bits of spice (metaphors or even humor if you could manage it though that might not be appropriate for this particular essay). In general just things to make it sound a little less rigid. If that makes any sense (I feel like I'm babbling, sorry).
- Moonstar
19Anihyr MoonstarI like the argument you present here. I think you do a good job defending two famous and easy-to-misunderstand (if taken at face value) phrases Machiavelli put forth. It's always important to dig deeper than just the surface when you're trying to understand an argument and a person's views and I think you do a good job of addressing that and elaborating where relevant.
I think the writing itself here is on the dry side (mostly due to sentence formatting - the structure you use to present your ideas). Essays can be extremely difficult to make 'lively' or interesting, but it can be done. You might (if you were interested or even allowed to experiment) consider varying up your presentation methods, trying to use less passive voice (dead verbs am/are/is/was/were, be/being/been, has/have/had, do/does/did, etc.), and throw in some bits of spice (metaphors or even humor if you could manage it though that might not be appropriate for this particular essay). In general just things to make it sound a little less rigid. If that makes any sense (I feel like I'm babbling, sorry).
- Moonstar