for SOM: Dreams of Endymion (2013)4/30/2017 c49 Ravenna Saro
Thank you so much for continuing this story! I'm really enjoying it.
Thank you so much for continuing this story! I'm really enjoying it.
3/31/2017 c1 Guest
Frankly, I'm story started out nicely but started losing out as it went on.
Frankly, I'm story started out nicely but started losing out as it went on.
3/14/2017 c49 X3n0nTuTi
What happens to Naara? I can't wait for the next update. Beautiful storyline.
What happens to Naara? I can't wait for the next update. Beautiful storyline.
5/2/2016 c45 EventualHorizon
Ooh, more twists than Chubby Checker! lol. Another fine chapter. Between this and Sinnifer you are writing quite a bit these days. Thanks!
Ooh, more twists than Chubby Checker! lol. Another fine chapter. Between this and Sinnifer you are writing quite a bit these days. Thanks!
2/9/2016 c42 EventualHorizon
Thanks for continuing on with this story. i have enjoyed all of the SOM stories and eagerly await any future updates. It is quite the interesting universe. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for continuing on with this story. i have enjoyed all of the SOM stories and eagerly await any future updates. It is quite the interesting universe. Thanks for sharing!
9/3/2015 c17 Wendy Thompson135th
drug/drag. A drink can be drugged; a lake can be dragged. Kestrel slowly _dragged_ something into her cell.
~~and how does the reader suddenly know that the prisoner is a pickpocket?
drug/drag. A drink can be drugged; a lake can be dragged. Kestrel slowly _dragged_ something into her cell.
~~and how does the reader suddenly know that the prisoner is a pickpocket?
9/3/2015 c13 Wendy Thompson135th
The captain, who had given Will his glasses, remarked. -You do this frequently: establish a fact with no given reason.
What is it about the man who gave Will his glasses that marks him as 'captain'? It could be anything from a special uniform or a fancy hat to the deference all the other men showed him. Since the reader is depending on Will's senses, there must be something that causes Will to assume the glasses-giver is, in fact, also the captain.
So far, the way the back-story is handled has been the weakest part of the story.
The captain, who had given Will his glasses, remarked. -You do this frequently: establish a fact with no given reason.
What is it about the man who gave Will his glasses that marks him as 'captain'? It could be anything from a special uniform or a fancy hat to the deference all the other men showed him. Since the reader is depending on Will's senses, there must be something that causes Will to assume the glasses-giver is, in fact, also the captain.
So far, the way the back-story is handled has been the weakest part of the story.
9/2/2015 c2 Wendy Thompson135th
"...fine linen, selling barrels of salted fish, fresh water, and sailcloth at a stiff premium." -*-So if they import linen, what do they use to make the sailcloth? "While the family was not reduced to dressing in tattered rags, everything that they wore did look much older than it was. Will's summer shirt was made out of two colors of linen, cream and a fancy indigo blue that had once been part of his mother's second-best dress." Unclear about the 'look much older' bit works. How does that come across in what a viewer would SEE? 'two colors' -*- again, how does this LOOK? Cream, with blue trim? Blue with cream patches? A technical term could be either 'color block' or 'parti-color(ed)' with the front and back one color and the sleeves the second.
..."Highcliff" on the north end of the island and "Lowcliff" to the south. Such names were indicative of typical Angedran sensibilities. -*- What sensibilities? Some people like heights and some don't? Or is it a caste matter? Angedrians have a very prosaic/casual/indifferent attitude to place names? Unclear.
Being especially small and poor, Angedras was usually isolated from the rest of the world, which was exactly how its residents preferred it. & recently purchased his new telescope from the captain of a Silesian fishing boat. & the usual Eruli barque which came once every three months... -*- Angedras doesn't seem so much 'isolated' as it seems to be mostly 'ignored.'
He was no child either, a few summers younger than Lily Braden who was fifteen years married with four children of her own. -*- and how is his age determined? Does he LOOK younger than Lily? Does he LOOK older than Will? Does L have a beard? Does he need to shave? Does Will? Is L's voice an adult's voice? Is Will's? How is the reader to determine L's age? Has L aged in APPEARANCE in his time with the Bradens?
"Don't encourage Will to do anything dangerous!" She ordered. & "Of course not, milady." Luke replied ..." -*- I don't remember goofs like this in other work of yours that I've read. The problem occurs throughout the text.
There's a lot of telling, not showing in this draft. All the data about the warship lacks a source, for example.
"Tis' quite a sore subject you've brought up."-The contraction of 'it is' can take two forms: 'Tis and It's. What's important is to get the apostrophe where the omitted letter had been. There is no Tis'
'...exotic dressing gown..' A dressing gown is basically a bathrobe. They are not usually worn outside one's boudoir. How about 'traveling gown'? or possibly: 'over-robe'?
When inserting a quote within dialogue the punctuation goes like this: "Jane told me 'Marcie likes Spot' but I don't believe her." It's rather like HTML coding with matched pairs of double and single quotation marks. John Barth's _Menelaiad_ is an exmple of correct punctuation carried to extremes.
The fact that Meris' favorite curse seemed to be invoking the Goddess of Prosperity made her ridiculous appearance all the more amusing. -*- Why exactly? Amusing to whom? This is another instance of telling not showing.
'...he recognized that her intonation was wrong! He mouthed the word _Atheri_, omitting the hard "h" sound that Angedrans added to so many words.' -*- It's not 'a hard "h" sound' and it's not her intonation. There are three 't' sounds: thin, these, and tease. theta [θ], edh [ð] and /t/. If you garden, there is the culinary herb which is pronounced 'time' but is spelled 'thyme'. Thames and Thailand are other examples of non-spelling pronunciations. This: 'She used the intrusive Angedran "th"(or theta) and not the modern "t" pronunciation' might get the point across. (This is a perfect example of a shibboleth/sibboleth, by the way. The 'in crowd pronounces it one way and the 'out group' another.)
"...fine linen, selling barrels of salted fish, fresh water, and sailcloth at a stiff premium." -*-So if they import linen, what do they use to make the sailcloth? "While the family was not reduced to dressing in tattered rags, everything that they wore did look much older than it was. Will's summer shirt was made out of two colors of linen, cream and a fancy indigo blue that had once been part of his mother's second-best dress." Unclear about the 'look much older' bit works. How does that come across in what a viewer would SEE? 'two colors' -*- again, how does this LOOK? Cream, with blue trim? Blue with cream patches? A technical term could be either 'color block' or 'parti-color(ed)' with the front and back one color and the sleeves the second.
..."Highcliff" on the north end of the island and "Lowcliff" to the south. Such names were indicative of typical Angedran sensibilities. -*- What sensibilities? Some people like heights and some don't? Or is it a caste matter? Angedrians have a very prosaic/casual/indifferent attitude to place names? Unclear.
Being especially small and poor, Angedras was usually isolated from the rest of the world, which was exactly how its residents preferred it. & recently purchased his new telescope from the captain of a Silesian fishing boat. & the usual Eruli barque which came once every three months... -*- Angedras doesn't seem so much 'isolated' as it seems to be mostly 'ignored.'
He was no child either, a few summers younger than Lily Braden who was fifteen years married with four children of her own. -*- and how is his age determined? Does he LOOK younger than Lily? Does he LOOK older than Will? Does L have a beard? Does he need to shave? Does Will? Is L's voice an adult's voice? Is Will's? How is the reader to determine L's age? Has L aged in APPEARANCE in his time with the Bradens?
"Don't encourage Will to do anything dangerous!" She ordered. & "Of course not, milady." Luke replied ..." -*- I don't remember goofs like this in other work of yours that I've read. The problem occurs throughout the text.
There's a lot of telling, not showing in this draft. All the data about the warship lacks a source, for example.
"Tis' quite a sore subject you've brought up."-The contraction of 'it is' can take two forms: 'Tis and It's. What's important is to get the apostrophe where the omitted letter had been. There is no Tis'
'...exotic dressing gown..' A dressing gown is basically a bathrobe. They are not usually worn outside one's boudoir. How about 'traveling gown'? or possibly: 'over-robe'?
When inserting a quote within dialogue the punctuation goes like this: "Jane told me 'Marcie likes Spot' but I don't believe her." It's rather like HTML coding with matched pairs of double and single quotation marks. John Barth's _Menelaiad_ is an exmple of correct punctuation carried to extremes.
The fact that Meris' favorite curse seemed to be invoking the Goddess of Prosperity made her ridiculous appearance all the more amusing. -*- Why exactly? Amusing to whom? This is another instance of telling not showing.
'...he recognized that her intonation was wrong! He mouthed the word _Atheri_, omitting the hard "h" sound that Angedrans added to so many words.' -*- It's not 'a hard "h" sound' and it's not her intonation. There are three 't' sounds: thin, these, and tease. theta [θ], edh [ð] and /t/. If you garden, there is the culinary herb which is pronounced 'time' but is spelled 'thyme'. Thames and Thailand are other examples of non-spelling pronunciations. This: 'She used the intrusive Angedran "th"(or theta) and not the modern "t" pronunciation' might get the point across. (This is a perfect example of a shibboleth/sibboleth, by the way. The 'in crowd pronounces it one way and the 'out group' another.)
3/24/2015 c1 Guest
PLEASE WRITE MORE SOM STORIES! Literally Paladin was so amazing and I'm about the start this one but I just want you to know I love the SOM. I would buy them if they are published.
PLEASE WRITE MORE SOM STORIES! Literally Paladin was so amazing and I'm about the start this one but I just want you to know I love the SOM. I would buy them if they are published.
3/24/2015 c1 Guest
PLEASE WRITE MORE SOM STORIES
PLEASE WRITE MORE SOM STORIES
3/10/2015 c2 
13alltheeagles
Labyrinth Exchange #200, no. 2 of 2
That’s rather a long exposition of ‘facts’ to start a chapter with. Just wondering if you could perhaps also incorporate the information into the characters’ interaction the way you wove the Atheri into Sirus’ tale. The same goes for the actual introduction of Luke and Will - would it be more interesting to have it written as a conversation rather than a presentation of facts about them? It isn’t a serious problem for me at this point, but then I probably have a higher tolerance than usual for this kind of expository writing. Maybe having a flashback of the day Luke washed up could work, or having the two boys discuss the event?
The arrival of the ships and the events thereafter was much more dynamic and hence, a nicer read, frankly speaking. At this point, I fully realise that there is a lot to be discovered about the world you have set up and thus, it is quite a challenge to remember all this information. That is a compliment – you have obviously spent a lot of time working out the details of this world – but for a first-time ‘visitor’ it’s rather daunting. The same goes for the number of characters you have introduced so far, and all of them in full detail. The question is, do we need to know so much about every one of them at this particular point in the tale?
I think the bottom line is that I am not really the kind of reader best suited for this story because I have limited time to invest in it, and thus I don’t think I could find any plot holes because I’d be hard pressed to remember all the details of the plot if it gets any more complicated (on top of remembering information about the world which may be relevant to my understanding of the story in general). I apologise if my remarks do not hit the spot.
13alltheeaglesLabyrinth Exchange #200, no. 2 of 2
That’s rather a long exposition of ‘facts’ to start a chapter with. Just wondering if you could perhaps also incorporate the information into the characters’ interaction the way you wove the Atheri into Sirus’ tale. The same goes for the actual introduction of Luke and Will - would it be more interesting to have it written as a conversation rather than a presentation of facts about them? It isn’t a serious problem for me at this point, but then I probably have a higher tolerance than usual for this kind of expository writing. Maybe having a flashback of the day Luke washed up could work, or having the two boys discuss the event?
The arrival of the ships and the events thereafter was much more dynamic and hence, a nicer read, frankly speaking. At this point, I fully realise that there is a lot to be discovered about the world you have set up and thus, it is quite a challenge to remember all this information. That is a compliment – you have obviously spent a lot of time working out the details of this world – but for a first-time ‘visitor’ it’s rather daunting. The same goes for the number of characters you have introduced so far, and all of them in full detail. The question is, do we need to know so much about every one of them at this particular point in the tale?
I think the bottom line is that I am not really the kind of reader best suited for this story because I have limited time to invest in it, and thus I don’t think I could find any plot holes because I’d be hard pressed to remember all the details of the plot if it gets any more complicated (on top of remembering information about the world which may be relevant to my understanding of the story in general). I apologise if my remarks do not hit the spot.
3/10/2015 c1 alltheeagles
Labyrinth Exchange #200, no. 1 of 2
I’m pleasantly entertained by the description of Sirus, which is what the bulk of this chapter seems to be about. I quite like fantasy stories, and I think you’ve got the right narrative voice here. Nothing too modern or slangy. In fact, you could actually increase the slang or fisherman-talk if you want to amplify the characterisation, but it’s not a big problem.
So anyway, the background about the Atheri was cleverly woven into Sirus’ history so it didn’t stick out in an unnatural way. Not sure how realistic it is for a ‘dead’ man to come back to life just to conveniently say some dire words and then die again, but again, it’s not anything I can’t accept. Plot-wise, you’ve set up your premise of the cursed ring very nicely and we’re all set for the introduction of the main character. I guess that also means that Sirus is just a bit player who has served his purpose and so will not appear again. Oh well... he was necessary to start the show I guess.
Not sure what SOM stands for – the name of your AU? But anyway I’m ready to read more based on this first chapter.
Labyrinth Exchange #200, no. 1 of 2
I’m pleasantly entertained by the description of Sirus, which is what the bulk of this chapter seems to be about. I quite like fantasy stories, and I think you’ve got the right narrative voice here. Nothing too modern or slangy. In fact, you could actually increase the slang or fisherman-talk if you want to amplify the characterisation, but it’s not a big problem.
So anyway, the background about the Atheri was cleverly woven into Sirus’ history so it didn’t stick out in an unnatural way. Not sure how realistic it is for a ‘dead’ man to come back to life just to conveniently say some dire words and then die again, but again, it’s not anything I can’t accept. Plot-wise, you’ve set up your premise of the cursed ring very nicely and we’re all set for the introduction of the main character. I guess that also means that Sirus is just a bit player who has served his purpose and so will not appear again. Oh well... he was necessary to start the show I guess.
Not sure what SOM stands for – the name of your AU? But anyway I’m ready to read more based on this first chapter.
2/23/2015 c23 1T.D. Spearman
I was beginning to worry that the story had been dropped and then here tog come with another awesome set of chapters. I can't wait to see what else you have in store.
1T.D. SpearmanI was beginning to worry that the story had been dropped and then here tog come with another awesome set of chapters. I can't wait to see what else you have in store.
8/3/2013 c6 13GossamerSilverglow
From my last review it seems like I owed you this anyhow! Sorry for the delay. I really liked the fact that you included the detail about the sword breaking in two when Lord Calidras attempted to cut the ring off Luke’s hand. It provides even more mystery about the origin of the ring and Luke himself. And the whole Luke breathing fire thing makes me believed his this lost dragon that I mentioned in my previous reviews. I like Mayor Braden’s character as well. Usually people of power like this in stories are conniving or out right mean, but it’s a nice change of pace to have the Mayor being one of the good guys. This chapter as also pretty short, but still good. Great job!
13GossamerSilverglowFrom my last review it seems like I owed you this anyhow! Sorry for the delay. I really liked the fact that you included the detail about the sword breaking in two when Lord Calidras attempted to cut the ring off Luke’s hand. It provides even more mystery about the origin of the ring and Luke himself. And the whole Luke breathing fire thing makes me believed his this lost dragon that I mentioned in my previous reviews. I like Mayor Braden’s character as well. Usually people of power like this in stories are conniving or out right mean, but it’s a nice change of pace to have the Mayor being one of the good guys. This chapter as also pretty short, but still good. Great job!