for If looks can kill10/30/2017 c10 
25Jaya Avendel
I wish I could kill the Lady. What a portrayal of evil; very well done! I loved it.
25Jaya AvendelI wish I could kill the Lady. What a portrayal of evil; very well done! I loved it.
10/30/2017 c9 Jaya Avendel
Snatchers! Oh no! The chapter title is a perfect reflection of the content. I hung onto every word, desperate to see what would happen, and now this! What a way to end!
Snatchers! Oh no! The chapter title is a perfect reflection of the content. I hung onto every word, desperate to see what would happen, and now this! What a way to end!
10/30/2017 c8 Jaya Avendel
The dog chase was intense. I am glad Cray rescued the child. One can tell Rayne has no love for children, since he referred to it as a brat. But he also avoided the publicity when the men came to kill the dog. I love his character.
The dog chase was intense. I am glad Cray rescued the child. One can tell Rayne has no love for children, since he referred to it as a brat. But he also avoided the publicity when the men came to kill the dog. I love his character.
10/30/2017 c7 Jaya Avendel
Crying is a sign of strength!
Goodness, I loved the entire conversation between the two. It was intriguing, and gave a window into their pasts.
Crying is a sign of strength!
Goodness, I loved the entire conversation between the two. It was intriguing, and gave a window into their pasts.
10/29/2017 c6 Jaya Avendel
Oooh, the talk between Cray and his dad was good. It is the usual mistrust. I am glad Cray is not swayed by suspicion and stays with Rayne.
I loved the ending. More talk about Rayne!
Oooh, the talk between Cray and his dad was good. It is the usual mistrust. I am glad Cray is not swayed by suspicion and stays with Rayne.
I loved the ending. More talk about Rayne!
10/29/2017 c5 Jaya Avendel
I love how the chapter started out so peaceful and calm, with his thoughts of home and past life, and then grew more tense. I think the ending was my favorite. The characters are really griping me.
I love how the chapter started out so peaceful and calm, with his thoughts of home and past life, and then grew more tense. I think the ending was my favorite. The characters are really griping me.
9/29/2017 c4 Jaya Avendel
Oh no, oh no, oh no, my heart broke. Poor Petron!
Rayne has a mind on him; water walking and invisibility (it must have been). I find him to be most intriguing!
The chapter title is her silent plea for more. And my voice is joining hers.
Oh no, oh no, oh no, my heart broke. Poor Petron!
Rayne has a mind on him; water walking and invisibility (it must have been). I find him to be most intriguing!
The chapter title is her silent plea for more. And my voice is joining hers.
9/29/2017 c3 Jaya Avendel
The beginning was rather sad. These Snatchers must cause a lot of grief and despair among families.
I am beginning to like Rayne. I must admit you surprised me there! Good job.
The beginning was rather sad. These Snatchers must cause a lot of grief and despair among families.
I am beginning to like Rayne. I must admit you surprised me there! Good job.
9/29/2017 c2 Jaya Avendel
I love this chapter. The character interactions were spectacular. I enjoyed the girl at the pond.
And the boy's remark about "a face like that" was very deceptive. For a moment I thought she was hideous!
I love this chapter. The character interactions were spectacular. I enjoyed the girl at the pond.
And the boy's remark about "a face like that" was very deceptive. For a moment I thought she was hideous!
9/26/2017 c1 Jaya Avendel
Great first chapter. I was very engaged by the whole thing, and the ideas presented. I am eager to learn more about the Lady. Your characters are very fresh in my mind. Haylden is my favorite so far.
I do have one opinion, and I hope not to harm you, but I think the Snatchers should be capable of speaking properly. Although most aliens speak in broken english, it is not a required trait.
Great first chapter. I was very engaged by the whole thing, and the ideas presented. I am eager to learn more about the Lady. Your characters are very fresh in my mind. Haylden is my favorite so far.
I do have one opinion, and I hope not to harm you, but I think the Snatchers should be capable of speaking properly. Although most aliens speak in broken english, it is not a required trait.
4/17/2016 c5 Guest
Riveting. Thats the one word i would use to describe this story. Love how you juxtapose the sad background of hayldon with his creepiness in mthe present. People are never black and white.
Riveting. Thats the one word i would use to describe this story. Love how you juxtapose the sad background of hayldon with his creepiness in mthe present. People are never black and white.
3/16/2015 c1 6French The Llama
I like the start of this. It immediately hooked me, because I wanted to know why the scar was because of love and you maintained the enigma for quite a while, creating suspense. The dialogue till the end seemed very natural too. However the last scene seems a bit unrealistic, or at least it happened to fast. Her father couldn't have gone from knowing she's the narrator to absolutely believing she's Cresta- and kissing her- so quickly. There, I think you need to make the pace slower.
6French The LlamaI like the start of this. It immediately hooked me, because I wanted to know why the scar was because of love and you maintained the enigma for quite a while, creating suspense. The dialogue till the end seemed very natural too. However the last scene seems a bit unrealistic, or at least it happened to fast. Her father couldn't have gone from knowing she's the narrator to absolutely believing she's Cresta- and kissing her- so quickly. There, I think you need to make the pace slower.
3/16/2015 c1 2Jalux
[Opening]
Man you really went ham on the description of the scar, initially I was skeptical of this sort of opening but then I realized it actually works well. Because it's such a crazy scar that we start to wonder how he got it (which is explained right after). Also I think starting with the main character in peril while not original makes the whole opening an effective hook overall because let's face we want to know what happens even if we know he's not going to die or anything.
[Dialogue]
I like how you use dialogue to show the relationship between narrator and Haylden, the nicknames show how close they are or at least familiar. And I think it was also effective at the end to showcase Cray's well shock to what happened and I think I'd be right in saying Cray is straight?
[Plot]
There isn't a whole tonne in this chapter but I am of the opinion chucking us into the plot first chapter is never a good idea. In that respect I felt you world-building a little with the relationships, backstory and a bit of everyday life was the right choice into easing people into your story. Eh, the summary seems like this could be interesting but it will hinge on how you plan this one out.
[Writing]
A little bit of info-dumping here which I can relate to as sometimes it's hard to integrate it without just telling us through exposition. Perhaps cutting down on some of those sections could help with pacing but then again it's not really that big of a problem. Apart from that your writing style seems to have improved alot from JAT, better sentences, better grammar and nicer pace in my opinion.
2Jalux[Opening]
Man you really went ham on the description of the scar, initially I was skeptical of this sort of opening but then I realized it actually works well. Because it's such a crazy scar that we start to wonder how he got it (which is explained right after). Also I think starting with the main character in peril while not original makes the whole opening an effective hook overall because let's face we want to know what happens even if we know he's not going to die or anything.
[Dialogue]
I like how you use dialogue to show the relationship between narrator and Haylden, the nicknames show how close they are or at least familiar. And I think it was also effective at the end to showcase Cray's well shock to what happened and I think I'd be right in saying Cray is straight?
[Plot]
There isn't a whole tonne in this chapter but I am of the opinion chucking us into the plot first chapter is never a good idea. In that respect I felt you world-building a little with the relationships, backstory and a bit of everyday life was the right choice into easing people into your story. Eh, the summary seems like this could be interesting but it will hinge on how you plan this one out.
[Writing]
A little bit of info-dumping here which I can relate to as sometimes it's hard to integrate it without just telling us through exposition. Perhaps cutting down on some of those sections could help with pacing but then again it's not really that big of a problem. Apart from that your writing style seems to have improved alot from JAT, better sentences, better grammar and nicer pace in my opinion.
5/29/2014 c1 51death till dawn
owo you can tell lots of effort was put into this and your characters are fabulous i like the way you have made them completely different. i like it its good. but not to offend you but i am into and write heart breaks depression, everyday life. bullies, suicidal, things that my life revolves around. but it was a great story BRAVO *applause*
51death till dawnowo you can tell lots of effort was put into this and your characters are fabulous i like the way you have made them completely different. i like it its good. but not to offend you but i am into and write heart breaks depression, everyday life. bullies, suicidal, things that my life revolves around. but it was a great story BRAVO *applause*
4/18/2014 c1 Art7Freak
Why isn't this a book? Have you considered writing one? Gosh, this story is particularly intriguing to me but you haven't updated! I really really like this story!
-Art7Freak
Why isn't this a book? Have you considered writing one? Gosh, this story is particularly intriguing to me but you haven't updated! I really really like this story!
-Art7Freak