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for Bells of Warning

3/24/2013 c1 11Kay Iscah
Very creepy. Evil clowns are always creepy. Nice metaphor and imagery. There's some minor things I might tighten up. A few commas out of place...things like that, but overall well done.
3/24/2013 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
You use a lot of ominous foreshadowing in this piece which I thought was great. I did notice that you used “She” especially when starting your sentences quite frequently. I think a way to help this would be to give the character a name or just be more conscientious of that “she” because when starting your sentences off like that it has a jarring feeling if used too much, and you lose some of your flow.

As I said before I liked the ominous foreshadowing here, and your overall concept is good, but I feel like the story aspect is missing something. I don’t know why the she is in the woods, and even though you describe the strangeness of the beautiful but deserted carnival, I am left asking myself why there wasn’t more of an alert from this girl that something was amiss. I was never clear on the importance of the string either, and when she floated away how did she know that her fate was sealed? I really enjoyed the piece, but I wander if you added a bit more depth to it I think that would polish up those rough edges.

Much love,
3/13/2013 c1 5GuyBoyPerson
Temptation is a tricky and terrible thing. Very creative and unusual imagery, and I mean that in a very good way.
12/12/2012 c1 9MagicWords
Well written and seriously creepy. Wow, I have goosebumps. Your writing is so flowy and captivating. I look forward to more. Good lesson, too.
12/11/2012 c1 Autumn
Dark and grotesquely beautiful.
12/11/2012 c1 Carrie
Wow! What powerful imagery. I swear I could actually see the people and the string and the clown. I also love how this story is a metaphor for so many things in life- yes, it's a great piece of literature, but it is also a warning not to be yearned into temptation. Very well done!

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