for Fire1/5/2013 c1 
8audsome
i really like the imagery, brings to life the glamour and the pains of idolizing people and setting higher self worth on them then on yourself.
i was kinda lost on who your audience was for a moment in the beginning.. but maybe that was just me. I think it may be due to using their and you and some people.
i really liked the last verse, very emotional.
8audsomei really like the imagery, brings to life the glamour and the pains of idolizing people and setting higher self worth on them then on yourself.
i was kinda lost on who your audience was for a moment in the beginning.. but maybe that was just me. I think it may be due to using their and you and some people.
i really liked the last verse, very emotional.
12/23/2012 c1 12ahorizonforthenewbirds
Wow, I love this! It speaks to me as a poem about being yourself rather than following others blindly. It's very easy to relate to, for me at least, and I enjoyed it. It was thoughtful and it made me think. I like your rhyming as it felt natural and part of the poem, rather than oddly sticking out. I love the second stanza, it sets in a darker mood and it's positioned between the two positive ones. "And deep in the dust we bow" was probably my favourite line.
However I think this could use a few more edits, as there were some mistakes I spotted. It's nothing major, of course, just the tiny things that make the difference :) "Lanterns who guides in the dark", guide, not guides; "But fire consumes, and fire burn" - if you want to keep the rhyme, why not make 'fire' plural? "But fires consume, and fires burn"
Also, more punctuation would add emphasis and desirable effects, in my opinion.
Save that, I loved the poem. Overall I think it's brilliant, good job :)
12ahorizonforthenewbirdsWow, I love this! It speaks to me as a poem about being yourself rather than following others blindly. It's very easy to relate to, for me at least, and I enjoyed it. It was thoughtful and it made me think. I like your rhyming as it felt natural and part of the poem, rather than oddly sticking out. I love the second stanza, it sets in a darker mood and it's positioned between the two positive ones. "And deep in the dust we bow" was probably my favourite line.
However I think this could use a few more edits, as there were some mistakes I spotted. It's nothing major, of course, just the tiny things that make the difference :) "Lanterns who guides in the dark", guide, not guides; "But fire consumes, and fire burn" - if you want to keep the rhyme, why not make 'fire' plural? "But fires consume, and fires burn"
Also, more punctuation would add emphasis and desirable effects, in my opinion.
Save that, I loved the poem. Overall I think it's brilliant, good job :)
12/20/2012 c1 76The Autumn Queen
I like the rhyming nature of this poem; it gives a nice rhythm to your poem and the rhymes themselves don't feel forced in the least. My favourite is dark/spark because of the contradictory nature they highlight: the paradox of light and darkness cleverly captured in that rhyme. Coal/control was an altogether unexpected one, but very clever. I would never have thought of that! Oh the other hand, I think this poem could benefit from using more punctuation and varying the pause; at the moment, it reads a little flatly despite the rhyme, as the line and paragraph breaks are the only pauses that are used. By varying that meter, you can emphasise certain points over others, and this doesn't read as a continuous sentence to warrant no fullstop. Strong images like dazzling would work better with punctuation surrounding it; same with the harder sounds, as dazzling was a little out of place with the softer sounds around it.
76The Autumn QueenI like the rhyming nature of this poem; it gives a nice rhythm to your poem and the rhymes themselves don't feel forced in the least. My favourite is dark/spark because of the contradictory nature they highlight: the paradox of light and darkness cleverly captured in that rhyme. Coal/control was an altogether unexpected one, but very clever. I would never have thought of that! Oh the other hand, I think this poem could benefit from using more punctuation and varying the pause; at the moment, it reads a little flatly despite the rhyme, as the line and paragraph breaks are the only pauses that are used. By varying that meter, you can emphasise certain points over others, and this doesn't read as a continuous sentence to warrant no fullstop. Strong images like dazzling would work better with punctuation surrounding it; same with the harder sounds, as dazzling was a little out of place with the softer sounds around it.