for The Writer Lady1/21/2013 c1 
2Arowana Princess
Is this really complete? It's okay for a start, but it's not good quality to be left as a one-shot. Also, I agree with what Spontaneous Juju said especially on the title.
2Arowana PrincessIs this really complete? It's okay for a start, but it's not good quality to be left as a one-shot. Also, I agree with what Spontaneous Juju said especially on the title.
12/26/2012 c1 3leela-chan
That was very interesting and very different from stuff I've cone across. It was nice )
3leela-chanThat was very interesting and very different from stuff I've cone across. It was nice )
12/25/2012 c1 GreenstoneRie
It's a cute story. Though a hundred and seventy five is quite expensive...
It's a cute story. Though a hundred and seventy five is quite expensive...
12/23/2012 c1 9Spontaneous Juju
Let me start off by saying this is a lovely idea, and a good length for a oneshot. I get the feeling you have a strong idea what you want you're characters to be, and how you want them to interact.
However, I do think your stylistics/mechanics could use some work, and certain aspects the story need more development. (Sorry, I'm about to get sort of mean.) It seems like your characters are off to a good start, but are still a bit two-dimensional; you spend quite a bit of time on semi-trivial details about their physical appearance (i.e., mentioning Nathaniel Harris has "cerulean eyes" twice, after already specifying that they're blue a few other times). You have the right idea when including quirky behaviors to give an idea of your characters' personalities (i.e., the way Esterelle bites her lip, musses her hair, and repeatedly orders cappuccino-and-cheesecake), but I would suggest working on moderation with those references. Esterelle's lip-biting, especially, started to take away from the fluidity of your writing when you mentioned it almost every time she talked. It might be more helpful if you provide a little more background on Nathaniel, too, so the reader has a better understanding of his motives when he approaches Esterelle in the coffee shop, why he ascertains that she's Asian, etc. The reader wants to know: does he normally try to pick up women like this? Why did he read the book about Jewel Franks? Why's he even in the coffee shop in the first place? We already know why Esterelle is there, and how often, but what's Nathaniel's story? To get this information across without resorting to a long, boring narrative paragraph of info-dump, I would suggest switching to a 3rd person limited POV on Nathaniel as he watches Esterelle mess up her hair while agonizing over her final chapter decisions. (Basically, cut away from Esterelle for a few paragraphs and show her through Nathaniel's eyes, splitting up his thoughts about her with some info-giving little blurbs. Example: " Should I let them be together? Or do I kill her? What if- ugh, no, that won't do!' [NEW PARAGRAPH] Nathaniel Harris was trying-and failing-to keep from staring at the intriguing woman one table over. He watched, chewing his straw, as she typed furiously at her laptop, paused, sighed deeply and shoved a long-fingered hand through her dark hair. He sipped at his water, wondering what she was like. What would she do if he asked to sit with her? He chewed his straw anxiously. Would she snap at him? She'd smiled at the waiter before, he'd seen her. Chew chew chew. Maybe she'd smile at him, too. Maybe she'd say yes, please do, go on and take a seat right here next to me. Chew chew chew. But what if she didn't? What if she screeched and threw her cappuccino at him? He didn't want coffee all over his pants, he'd just gotten them. Chew chew chew. She was typing furiously again, her long fingers flying over the keyboard and dark eyes flashing. She stopped, reread, scowled, ran her hands through her hair, making it stick out every which way; it was adorable, and he chuckled before he could stop himself. She threw him a startled glance, and a thrill ran through him as those dark eyes focused on him. "You seem to be really troubled," he found himself saying. She blinked at him before biting her lip and redirecting her gaze to the table. A little blush colored her cheeks, and she shrugged, hands swiftly rearranging her hair to a less disheveled state..." and so on. Sorry, that example got long really quickly!) Anyway.
As for mechanics, watch out for comma splices! I know they can be difficult to catch, but a trick you can use is reading out loud to yourself, pausing when there's a comma. Does it sound right for there to be a pause there? If not, it's probably a comma splice. (Example: "Perhaps, a break wouldn't hurt" should be "Perhaps a break wouldn't hurt.") Another mechanics issue is this: you tend to slip between tenses a lot, often switching tenses within in a single sentence. There were also several awkward sentences (i.e. 'No, that would be all.' She replied, pulling out a pink leather wallet from the bag beside her to take some bills") that were oddly phrased, sometimes soundingly almost like you cut them off in the middle. (For that particular sentence, I would suggest: "No, that will be all," she replied, reaching into her bag and coming up with a pink leather wallet. Pulling out a few crisp green bills, she handed them to the waiter and smiled warmly. "Here you go; keep the change.") Finally, if a character is talking, breaks off to perform some action, and then continues talking, this is the format you should use:
"The character is talking." She stops and performs an action, like drinking her coffee. "Now she's talking again, and it's the same paragraph/block of text."
NOT this:
"The character is talking." She stops and performs an action.
"Now she's talking again, but it's a new paragraph with no speaker tag. It sort of looks like the other character she's talking to is speaking right now, which confuses the reader."
So, obviously I got pretty picky there; please understand that I'm just trying to help, because I really do like the direction you were taking with this story, and I believe you could really enhance it with some grammar tips. If you have trouble with the grammar things I was talking about (keeping tense consistent, watching out for comma splices, etc.), try finding a Beta here on FictionPress; I'm sure you can find one to help you with the grammatical details! Keep fleshing out those characters, and you'll improve your story immeasurably. Keep writing and have fun; hope I helped!
-Spontaneous Juju
P.S. Not to add anything else to this insanely long review, but I think this story also deserves a better title. "The Writer Lady" is OK- it gets the message across, that this is a story about a woman who writes- but it's a little lackluster and obvious. Something like "Cappuccinos and Cheesecake" might make it more interesting to readers browsing through FictionPress for something to read, and includes a prominent element of the story without being too plain or obvious.
9Spontaneous JujuLet me start off by saying this is a lovely idea, and a good length for a oneshot. I get the feeling you have a strong idea what you want you're characters to be, and how you want them to interact.
However, I do think your stylistics/mechanics could use some work, and certain aspects the story need more development. (Sorry, I'm about to get sort of mean.) It seems like your characters are off to a good start, but are still a bit two-dimensional; you spend quite a bit of time on semi-trivial details about their physical appearance (i.e., mentioning Nathaniel Harris has "cerulean eyes" twice, after already specifying that they're blue a few other times). You have the right idea when including quirky behaviors to give an idea of your characters' personalities (i.e., the way Esterelle bites her lip, musses her hair, and repeatedly orders cappuccino-and-cheesecake), but I would suggest working on moderation with those references. Esterelle's lip-biting, especially, started to take away from the fluidity of your writing when you mentioned it almost every time she talked. It might be more helpful if you provide a little more background on Nathaniel, too, so the reader has a better understanding of his motives when he approaches Esterelle in the coffee shop, why he ascertains that she's Asian, etc. The reader wants to know: does he normally try to pick up women like this? Why did he read the book about Jewel Franks? Why's he even in the coffee shop in the first place? We already know why Esterelle is there, and how often, but what's Nathaniel's story? To get this information across without resorting to a long, boring narrative paragraph of info-dump, I would suggest switching to a 3rd person limited POV on Nathaniel as he watches Esterelle mess up her hair while agonizing over her final chapter decisions. (Basically, cut away from Esterelle for a few paragraphs and show her through Nathaniel's eyes, splitting up his thoughts about her with some info-giving little blurbs. Example: " Should I let them be together? Or do I kill her? What if- ugh, no, that won't do!' [NEW PARAGRAPH] Nathaniel Harris was trying-and failing-to keep from staring at the intriguing woman one table over. He watched, chewing his straw, as she typed furiously at her laptop, paused, sighed deeply and shoved a long-fingered hand through her dark hair. He sipped at his water, wondering what she was like. What would she do if he asked to sit with her? He chewed his straw anxiously. Would she snap at him? She'd smiled at the waiter before, he'd seen her. Chew chew chew. Maybe she'd smile at him, too. Maybe she'd say yes, please do, go on and take a seat right here next to me. Chew chew chew. But what if she didn't? What if she screeched and threw her cappuccino at him? He didn't want coffee all over his pants, he'd just gotten them. Chew chew chew. She was typing furiously again, her long fingers flying over the keyboard and dark eyes flashing. She stopped, reread, scowled, ran her hands through her hair, making it stick out every which way; it was adorable, and he chuckled before he could stop himself. She threw him a startled glance, and a thrill ran through him as those dark eyes focused on him. "You seem to be really troubled," he found himself saying. She blinked at him before biting her lip and redirecting her gaze to the table. A little blush colored her cheeks, and she shrugged, hands swiftly rearranging her hair to a less disheveled state..." and so on. Sorry, that example got long really quickly!) Anyway.
As for mechanics, watch out for comma splices! I know they can be difficult to catch, but a trick you can use is reading out loud to yourself, pausing when there's a comma. Does it sound right for there to be a pause there? If not, it's probably a comma splice. (Example: "Perhaps, a break wouldn't hurt" should be "Perhaps a break wouldn't hurt.") Another mechanics issue is this: you tend to slip between tenses a lot, often switching tenses within in a single sentence. There were also several awkward sentences (i.e. 'No, that would be all.' She replied, pulling out a pink leather wallet from the bag beside her to take some bills") that were oddly phrased, sometimes soundingly almost like you cut them off in the middle. (For that particular sentence, I would suggest: "No, that will be all," she replied, reaching into her bag and coming up with a pink leather wallet. Pulling out a few crisp green bills, she handed them to the waiter and smiled warmly. "Here you go; keep the change.") Finally, if a character is talking, breaks off to perform some action, and then continues talking, this is the format you should use:
"The character is talking." She stops and performs an action, like drinking her coffee. "Now she's talking again, and it's the same paragraph/block of text."
NOT this:
"The character is talking." She stops and performs an action.
"Now she's talking again, but it's a new paragraph with no speaker tag. It sort of looks like the other character she's talking to is speaking right now, which confuses the reader."
So, obviously I got pretty picky there; please understand that I'm just trying to help, because I really do like the direction you were taking with this story, and I believe you could really enhance it with some grammar tips. If you have trouble with the grammar things I was talking about (keeping tense consistent, watching out for comma splices, etc.), try finding a Beta here on FictionPress; I'm sure you can find one to help you with the grammatical details! Keep fleshing out those characters, and you'll improve your story immeasurably. Keep writing and have fun; hope I helped!
-Spontaneous Juju
P.S. Not to add anything else to this insanely long review, but I think this story also deserves a better title. "The Writer Lady" is OK- it gets the message across, that this is a story about a woman who writes- but it's a little lackluster and obvious. Something like "Cappuccinos and Cheesecake" might make it more interesting to readers browsing through FictionPress for something to read, and includes a prominent element of the story without being too plain or obvious.