for Girl3/20/2014 c1 
11iNdie OT
Here we have a story written in a simple, sketchy format. Yet, there is much to it. It's simply a story of an innocent girl who is turned brutal and saddistic by a lustful liar of a man. Perfect. It's an age old story told with such diablolical beauty. I loved it.
-Stripes
11iNdie OTHere we have a story written in a simple, sketchy format. Yet, there is much to it. It's simply a story of an innocent girl who is turned brutal and saddistic by a lustful liar of a man. Perfect. It's an age old story told with such diablolical beauty. I loved it.
-Stripes
7/28/2013 c1 Absent Pulse
It was /hilarious/! (No, it wasn't. Not really.)
But certainly awesome. I like it. You have such... I dunno. A way with words. It's like running my hands through the soft cloth of something incomplete but very lovely, and I keep cutting myself on the pins which hold it together. The sting is nice, though.
I would only suggest that you swap 'bittered' with "embittered".
Take care.
It was /hilarious/! (No, it wasn't. Not really.)
But certainly awesome. I like it. You have such... I dunno. A way with words. It's like running my hands through the soft cloth of something incomplete but very lovely, and I keep cutting myself on the pins which hold it together. The sting is nice, though.
I would only suggest that you swap 'bittered' with "embittered".
Take care.
1/15/2013 c1 4HighOnBrokenWings
So quick, it explains what could be a story fifty times longer, but it suits perfectly the way you have written it. Each thought falls into the next, like a sort of waterfall effect. It progresses very nicely :) lovely, dark piece
4HighOnBrokenWingsSo quick, it explains what could be a story fifty times longer, but it suits perfectly the way you have written it. Each thought falls into the next, like a sort of waterfall effect. It progresses very nicely :) lovely, dark piece
12/30/2012 c1 70Naver
I liked the way it was written, the format. I think the descriptions needed more work. Like what was going on and more on the reasons why she was like that or why people had those kind of opinions of her. Though I did really like this one. It shows you can tell a good short story. :)
-Press on into the night and write-
70NaverI liked the way it was written, the format. I think the descriptions needed more work. Like what was going on and more on the reasons why she was like that or why people had those kind of opinions of her. Though I did really like this one. It shows you can tell a good short story. :)
-Press on into the night and write-
12/29/2012 c1 387tolerate
All right, I've noticed that you show more than you tell. There's this thing in writing stories that say 'show, not tell'. Instead of just telling the readers 'she was beautiful', you could describe her. You could talk about her hair and how it looks like in the wind, or the colours of her eyes and how her cheeks light up when she smiles. Or the way she moves her lips as she talk, and there's many more. And from the description you've given us, we will know immediately that she's beautiful. Just telling us that she was beautiful doesn't make it sound very beautiful in my head. Same goes for most of the other things you've written, like she was innocent or she was tame. There's a lot you can add details to.
I think what you're writing is only the surface and skin-deep. You can write so much more. And Gil was nice. How was he nice? You have to elaborate on that. Let's say for example, someone says your outfit is nice. It doesn't sound as good as when they say that it compliments your skin colour, and how you bring out the beauty in the outfit.
So work on your details. Your grammar and everything is fine. Just the details needs improving and you should show, not tell. I think you should continue with this story. It has potential, but it's more of a revenge story than horror. She was betrayed by Gil, so she turned cold and wanted to kill people. From an innocent girl, she turned into a murderer. If you continue with it, maybe you can add bits and bits of her past, like why people avoided her and hated her so much.
Overall, it was good. Keep writing!
387tolerateAll right, I've noticed that you show more than you tell. There's this thing in writing stories that say 'show, not tell'. Instead of just telling the readers 'she was beautiful', you could describe her. You could talk about her hair and how it looks like in the wind, or the colours of her eyes and how her cheeks light up when she smiles. Or the way she moves her lips as she talk, and there's many more. And from the description you've given us, we will know immediately that she's beautiful. Just telling us that she was beautiful doesn't make it sound very beautiful in my head. Same goes for most of the other things you've written, like she was innocent or she was tame. There's a lot you can add details to.
I think what you're writing is only the surface and skin-deep. You can write so much more. And Gil was nice. How was he nice? You have to elaborate on that. Let's say for example, someone says your outfit is nice. It doesn't sound as good as when they say that it compliments your skin colour, and how you bring out the beauty in the outfit.
So work on your details. Your grammar and everything is fine. Just the details needs improving and you should show, not tell. I think you should continue with this story. It has potential, but it's more of a revenge story than horror. She was betrayed by Gil, so she turned cold and wanted to kill people. From an innocent girl, she turned into a murderer. If you continue with it, maybe you can add bits and bits of her past, like why people avoided her and hated her so much.
Overall, it was good. Keep writing!