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3/7/2013 c3 21Alisa Palmer
Here I am - as promised. Alright, suggestions/things I happened across:

-Not a lot of setting description. I think I already covered this in my review on your other story, but I thought I would make a little bit of a suggestion: Try to focus on the significant details of the room. This chapter is a perfect example. When they're in the study room, imagine it in your head, and then pick features that give it some personality. Give the room some significance in the scene instead of making it look like just some random room. As a writer, everything you include should have a clear purpose.

For this I suggest a few things: hangings on the walls, or features that may seem out of place or particularly interesting to the MC who's "speaking". Not only does it help with detail, but it helps with characterization as well.

-There is still so much dialogue. I understand that some stories are just very dialogue heavy, but throw in some character action to break it up. Personally I love to read dialogue, but because your characterization is so weak, it all sounds the same and it's really stilted. It pretty much falls flat on it's face. Again, if you're going to write dialogue, characterize the voices of your characters. This is a MUST if you are to be successful in this area.

-Be careful with your verb tenses. I'm noticing some confusion, and it's not that it's hard to read but it tends to claw the reader's eyes out. It screams "MISTAKE". This is basic grammar: "-ed" denotes an action that happened in the past. "-Ing" denotes an action that is happening in the present. Be careful with the future tense. It isn’t cut and dry. For example:

-The dog will bark (future tense)
-The dog barked (past tense)
-The dog is barking (present tense)

I find that this is a great website for all grammatical needs:


-You are still jumping POVs. Third person POV will be your best friend. Start practicing now, because it's not as easy as first person. It takes years to master.

-A small grammatical mistake. Rules of dialogue: Every time there is a new speaker there is a new paragraph. You like to bunch your quotes up when your characters are talking back at forth with very quick, short replies. Never! It confuses the reader like no other. Also, when quoting in quotes it should look like this:

"When you asked I was like 'what? But you're right here!'" - Notice how when quoting the beginning of her thought I used one quote ( ' ) and when finishing out the quote entirely I used three ( '" ) when quoting within a quote use only one. It's the same button as the apostrophe/quotation, just don't hold shift while pressing it.

And to give you an example of what dialogue spacing should look like (with speaker tags because it also help with the confusion on who’s speaking):

"I promise it'll be fun. I'll be all gentlemanly, treat you like a princess" (Nathan said)
"Nathan-" (Lex began)
"so how about it?" (he cut her off)

You can really get as creative as you want (like putting speaker tags in front of quotes and using a variety of verbs). But this will really help with clarifying who is saying what. It will improve the overall experience of reading your work, because readers won’t have to go back and re-read a string of dialogue to understand who’s speaking.

Overall, these are some really good suggestions that I think you could incorporate and make a “fun little project” into something pretty worth-while. If you did not take my last review into much consideration, I would definitely take notes on this one – particularly if you are really serious about writing in the future. Now that this review is over two pages long, I think I’m done.

Thank you for asking me to read, and for reviewing and following my story as well. If nothing else, I hope this helps. :) Keep up the good work. Practice makes perfect!

3/3/2013 c3 7bombshellbecky
oh, ho ho! too good, i really like this story!
1/15/2013 c3 TamikaT
Lies I tell you all lies...You so do not have a boyfriend, you just don't want to be alone (well aloner) with Nathan for fear that your true feelings will show up...AWE! But isn't it great that he asked and he even promised to "be all gentlemanly, treat you like a princess"...WOW! He knows the score before he even finishes asking you out. What a guy! Poor Claire! It must have been lonely without you, but Nathan is right, it is not your fault. You had no choice but to leave and Claire did have to choice to be herself or become someone else. From the way that Nathan talks the new Claire is not that great...putting out makes you popular for only one reason and once enough people have had that reason, you are back to being alone and lonely...

Great chapter...I am still liking this one. So many unanswered questions and I am so going to love the romance between Nathan and Alex...yes you have to put them together! Boyfriend my butt, she is single and wants him...go for it!

Please Keep Writing!
1/15/2013 c3 Sparklingjewel12
Aw he likes her!
1/2/2013 c1 Wendy Thompson135th
Way too much italic.
1/2/2013 c2 TamikaT
Wow, she's back and he has nothing to say to her! Well I mean yeah they were kids when she left but isn't he glad to see her back? Can't wait to see what happens next. Please don't let him act like a jerk. Is he still calling girls sweetheart or was that just her nickname? Please keep writing! Love it!
1/2/2013 c2 Sparklingjewel12
Oh it's getting more interesting :)
12/30/2012 c1 Sparklingjewel12
I love how, even though they're enemies and stuff, they've given each other nicknames
12/29/2012 c1 TamikaT
Too cute...okay I mean I get the story and I love the opening, but what has captured and held my attention throughout this entire first chapter is the fact that a second grader is calling a girl "sweetheart" like some much older man...LOL! I could just heard his voice saying it. Too much! Love it! Please tell me there is more! Please keep writing!
12/29/2012 c1 Julia
I feel stupid. I thought this was a one-shot, wich i hope explains my previous review. Sorry!
With that being said, I really like the story so far! Keep up the good work!
12/29/2012 c1 Julia
Oh, it was so cute and a little bittersweet as well. You don't by and chance feel like adding another chapter?
Good work! :)
12/29/2012 c1 Guest
OMG! This story is AH-MAY-ZING! Plz continue it ans write soon xxx
12/29/2012 c1 gardeanangle
I like it so far.
12/29/2012 c1 2PurpleWings71
Awesome...that's all that needs to be said.

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