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for The Fantasy

1/21/2013 c1 4lookingwest
Yaaay reviewing!

I like this. A Lot.

Opening - So that first sentence is just great. I love how it sets the mood immediately. The entire opening paragraphs give you this covered-up vibe that the entire piece takes, with someone trying to fake something real. It's great. I loved that you created that atmosphere right away.

Characters - I really liked how you were able to give us details on the "you" character, like the suicide, and leaving in the morning, etc. to create a character who is never really there and has no dialogue. At the same time, you do a great job using that character to create the narrator and shape and mold her. She couldn't exist without him, that really comes through with all of the descriptions of their relationship.

Writing - I adore the line "to have this shadowplay relationship". Shadowplay. Love. There were a lot of good moments here and I liked how you seemed to pause the piece to write those small italic quips. I love the way your writing flows and you interject so much thought into the narrator. The decision with the italics, especially the ending with "Once upon a time..." really bring this piece together and create a backbone. Even though it's short, you pack a lot of sensory details in.

Other/Theme: I like how you explored the prompt for this WCC. I think it's one of the more unique ones and didn't expect to see it start with sex! You're really good at sex scenes actually, haha, I thought you did a great job. Anyway, so this theme of pretending and the fairy tale seems prevalent throughout and I like how you mix that with the prompt, almost the idea of a childhood nostalgia that can never be. This was really great, Lyra! Also, I need to read Nomad...
1/16/2013 c1 2I-am-happy
Whoa... quite the opening sentence there.

"I drew a window on the brick wall of this shitty basement apartment when we moved in as a promise to myself, a promise to you that we would see the daylight on the other side before our lease was up.

You hung a curtain over that window because you couldn't destroy the lie without breaking your hand. 'It's not worth that much pain', you said. I thought, 'maybe that's why we linger in this purgatory'." - These paragraphs are confusing. After reading it multiple time, I'm still confused.

I'm not a huge fan of the ending sentence, but I guess it works for you.

How you injected the swear words seems off. Like you wanted your MC to seem tough, but really it just makes the writing feel rocky.

I didn't notice any mistakes! Good job!

Via Review Game.
1/8/2013 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
I think (for me) one of the most powerful aspects of this story is the imagery. The one that sticks out to me the most is the mention of the two people being like planks of rotting wood floating down a river to be sucked up by oblivion. It's such a vivid image, extremely easy to picture, and I think you do a great job manifesting an emotion into an image. From the "rotting" to the "sink unnoticed into oblivion," I think this sentence most aptly displays the theme of this story (which is a rather depressing one, though I'm sure you already know that). Also, the "chisel of reality" is a great expression, because the noun "chisel" already makes me think of something sharp, something that could be possibly used as a weapon, so it gives that line a sort of violent undertone to me. And the way the narrator dresses on "autopilot" is incredibly clever, because it shows just how numb she really is to the world.

One thing that didn't really work for me was the depressing and melancholy tone. I feel like if we were maybe given some more insight into this couple's relationship it'll make the emotions more justified and earned. However I feel like that's not your intention - I'm going to take a risk and assume you want to allow this story to encompass a wide group of people (allowing them to relate to the situation), which is why you keep the identity of the narrator and her lover somewhat ambiguous. It does help lessen the sting of the depression this story might induce (because it's a very reflective piece), but it also distanced me from the overall content. I know there's always a time to show and a time to tell, but I feel like this type of idea would benefit by showing an example of how these two people interact - we're told how their relationship is very tense and almost nonexistent, but aside from a few pretty metaphors (like the white knight and princess), we're not shown too much of it. It makes it hard for me to relate, and an emanating effect is lost on me.

I really like the opening, though. I think that right there is a great example of showing their relationship by narrowing in on a specific example of what their relationship has become.
1/8/2013 c1 19Anihyr Moonstar
I love the opening line - I feel like it comes off strong right from the get go, gritty, unashamed, and blunt. It also sets the scene well for what follows.

My favorite part in the opening though is all the scent details. Smell is so underappreciated, but it's such a strong sense and the first two paragraphs are stuffed full with them, which I think really roots the scene and makes it come across more powerfully in my head.

And there's so much gorgeous imagery in here I don't think I can even pick out many lines without quoting half the piece. This is one of my favorite metaphors: [I'm a frightened little girl in a woman's body...] It comes off really strong and I feel like that's probably something a lot of people can relate to at various times in their life.

Really though, I love all of it. Sorry for just gushing and not providing much helpful critique, but I think it's awesome; great work. :)

- Moonstar

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