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for The Dancing Doll

5/17/2013 c3 14Shampoo Suicide
Back for more, as I said I would be! I really loved the writing in this chapter, your descriptions are so vivid. As with the previous chapter, I'm compelled to read more to get into the back-story of Chris and Angeal. The scene with Viktor and his strange magic, with the blood and shadows, was just really interesting to read. I think you're doing a great job so far.

Sorry for no con-crit, just wanted to drop a note to say I enjoyed it!
5/12/2013 c3 Gold Finches
Really good so far! I love the plot line, and hope to see more of this! Update soon!
4/16/2013 c3 6BLOOD RED GEISHA
Thiis is an interesting concept me likey. Christopher was annoying a lilttle when he asked can angela read.i would have been offended too
3/15/2013 c1 63RedactedNoLongerWriting
Review return!

Ooh, creepy. You have a great sense of mood here. It doesn't quite drop off into horror territory yet because it's tempered by the tragedy of his actions. I got the sense he was teetering on the edge of madness and just mind-numb depression, but he was still more or less functional. It will be interesting to see where you take this. Christopher was characterized well for such a short time, and I'm not sure exactly where this story will go from this prologue, but you've obviously got a solid image in your head and the ability to transfer it to paper/the screen.
2/1/2013 c1 44professional griefer
You're incorrectly formatting your dialogue tags. You keep capitalizing after a line of dialogue, which you shouldn't be doing. If it's not a name, you go to lowercase. Just thought I'd point this out.
I didn't like the stiffness of the dialogue. It just didn't flow very naturally. I thought that maybe it was a different time period, but since you never specify, it felt awkward.
I thought you did a good job of showing Christopher's obsession with making Angeline, every description you used and everything he said contributed to the big picture of madness. I really liked that, it was really cool.
I didn't care for the ending. I didn't think it was a very good hook, and for ending a prologue, that doesn't work very well. I would want to read more based on the rest of it, but definitely not the ending.
Anyway, really nice work!
2/1/2013 c2 14Shampoo Suicide
Your description of Angeal's aesthetics was well done. I can very clearly picture her in my head. One thing that bugged me, as a person of African descent myself, was the way you made it sound like he found her to be some exotic creature. But that's a view from the present time, and I think back then a white person finding himself attracted to a black(ish) person would probably express it similarly. So, good job there despite my own complaints haha.

The story itself is well written, compelling. I think you characterized Christopher well, and I can clearly sense his desperation and possible madness. I'm interested in seeing more.
1/31/2013 c1 1Alluring Shadows
I'm not sure if I should be fangirling about this or pondering the depths of Christopher's obsession. O-o

Either way, review time! Yaaay!

First, this whole idea makes me want to read more. I don't quite love it, but I'm extremely interested to see what happens after this. You don't put any more information than absolutely needed in this, and I just can't let the mysteries of Christopher's tortured soul go on unsolved. D:

The ending is the one blemish I could see in this story, though I didn't look too hard on the grammar. Basically, I don't get Patty's reaction. She seems like a pretty strong-willed and smart character, and I don't understand why she just...gave up, for lack of better words. I mean, Christopher's making a doll that he calls 'Angeline', a pretty good indication that something funny is going on in his head, due to the uncanny resemblance in both name and appearance to his dead lover...person. Why doesn't she question him furtheeeer?
1/31/2013 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
I didn't like some of the adjective use throughout. I feel like a lot of them can be removed because they're already implied from the noun or verb they're enhancing. For example:

[Her empty eye sockets were gazing into the wooden rafters of the barn, and the top of her hairless head was reflecting warm sunlight from the only window in the room.]

Since it's a barn and there's rafters, I think it's safe to say the "wooden" is implied. Same with the "warm sunlight." Since it's sunlight, that already implies it's warm. Also, since her eyes are empty, I don't think she can "gaze" at the rafters. Maybe say they're aimed or pointed at the rafters instead, since "gazing" is an act someone normally needs eyes to perform.

Unless it's serving a stylistic purpose (I don't think it is here, but I might be wrong), any numbers under 100 should be spelled out.

I really enjoy the scene where the narrator is making Angeal's puppet body. I think it's filled with a lot of emotion, and I enjoy how you go into details, describing each body part as he shapes them and giving a little exposition concerning them. I think this helps close the psychic distance between narrator and reader, even though this story is told in third-person.
1/30/2013 c2 4TwistedInkIncorporated
Wow. Even better than the last chapter! Your close attention to details- the father's archeology and the money that came from that- makes the story breathtakingly amazing. I swear I can't get enough of this already, and it's only two chapters in! I'm excited to see if the magician can really bring Angeal back into the doll (Angeline?). I just know you have something up your sleeve there. ;) Really loved it! Can't wait for next chapter! xD
1/29/2013 c1 2Gophie
I like your choice of a type of omniscient narrator, giving us insight into both Christopher's and Patty's thoughts. Flows smoothly too
1/21/2013 c1 4TwistedInkIncorporated
Wow. I'm glad I decided to check out your work! This is amazing in a disturbing, symbolic way already. Your descriptions, characters, and grammar are all impecable! The inclusion of the barn as a scene was especially interesting. Lovely work, I look forward to chapter two! :)

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