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11/14/2013 c1 99Dreamers-Requiem
You’re cramming a lot of information in for a first chapter. There’s a lot of scenes here, and in parts it feels very jumpy, especially as you’re introducing a lot of new characters. It also feels like you give a lot away, rather than guiding the readers to their own conclusions and ideas. I would strongly suggest reworking this to make the first chapter a bit shorter, to show rather than tell, as you do a lot of telling here, and let the readers get to know the various characters first before plunging them into the fight and main story. Like I said, you give a lot away, and it doesn’t leave a lot of a hook for someone to keep reading. With so much information, such a long chapter and so many characters you may end up losing a lot of people. Maybe just polish it up a bit, split it up and try to make it less obvious what’s going on. Good luck, and hope this helps.
9/13/2013 c11 DanielAdams
Heya, I just thought of something that I forgot to put with my review for this story. It's more along the lines of... what is the villains' motive? Is it simply fulfilling the story? Then it's just going to be along the line of Team A (heroes) vs Team B (villains) all the way until the end... which is simply wasting the story's potential. I know it's still early, but with a story with great potential like this, I think you should seriously think of what twist would you throw into the story to make it... exciting and special. Maybe you've already thought about it, though. :P GL.
9/12/2013 c11 xxxyx
'"...If you really want to help them, then just believe in them with all your heart..."' - lol, corny.
'It doesn't make for much of a cliffhanger, huh?' - fourth wall, are you okay? D:
'Alll it meant was...' -oops triple L.
Anyway, nice battle narration. I like how you explain the battle mechanics, like Asa's sequence of Novas.
'Fire and explosions and stuff just aren't lethal in a 'story'.' - uh huh :3
'"[A Comedy of Manners]."' - Manzai! :D But lol, so Deus Ex Machina-ish. No, not exactly D.E.M. seeing the friends were already there, but... yeah, you know what I mean.
Anyway, my challenge to you in this story: what will make Keisei's class special, compared to the many others, or those before them? Think about it. It maybe still too early, but if you're serious about finishing this 'story'... Good luck! :D
9/12/2013 c10 xxxyx
Heh, Asa.
'If he was a girl, he would probably have fallen in love with Sakura. Actually, there was probably something wrong with that statement...' - pffhahaha...
Hm, Asa's Nova. You really like astronomy, huh?
Lol, Sakura's long-winded thinking while time stops around her. Very, very anime-ish.
Wonder why, but this cliffhanger does not surprise me too much.
9/12/2013 c9 xxxyx
'Russian dolls as envisioned by H.P. Lovecraft...' - XD
That's a colorful trope of villains. Very, very anime-esque. Lol, police cap.
'...character introduction boxes...' - pff, even that?
'"It looks like I'm the final boss for this arc..."' - whoah what a spoiler.
Interesting variety of abilities, just that... seeing that there are only like 10 characters, make sure each ability never bores each time they're used, okay?
9/12/2013 c8 xxxyx
Ahaha... class... Oh wait, agh, now I get it! The school's unnaturally excellent results are because the students are no longer human!
'"...whatever we learn here is gonna end up being conveniently useful somehow in the future."' - I wish real life's like that. -w-
'The 'protagonist' is the most susceptible to the will of the story, after all. It's basically impossible for him to act as he normally would.' - good point
Yep, science is not king.
'Density: kg/m3.' XD
Nice surprise cliffhanger.
Flow is getting really natural.
9/12/2013 c7 xxxyx
Uhm, yeah, fighting the same villain again is a pain.
Lol fanservice. And... haha, powerset control.
Yep, orphan protagonist. Cliched trope, kinda, but smart deduction, Keisei.
Anyway, your story's flow is going well so far, now we can relate better to the characters compared to the first 3 chapters.
9/12/2013 c6 xxxyx
'But all of you are 'on-screen' now. And that changes everything, because awakening a new ability isn't some minor matter.' - lol story mechanics.
'...all the while ignoring the real elephant in the room...' - haha
Oh. NPCs. Yet another blindingly obvious feature that I didn't expect.
Hm, Daisuke and the four faceless villains. Not too scary to me, but... let's hope the story grows more entertaining, ne? Unless any of the four is more impressive than Daisuke, or that more villains will come, I don't have too high an expectation, to be honest.
9/12/2013 c5 xxxyx
Oops, got some extra time, so here I am.
188 km/h. It's mathematical! Lol sorry. Had to admit that I often wondered about the quantitative value related to super powers in manga and movies.
Lol, at least Sakura doesn't sparkle *shot*
'The resulting battle resembled more of a squash match, with Sakura as the ball.' - lol. Outrageous amounts of HP, eh? :P
'"Where would we be if the cryptic mentors revealed everything in chapter one?"' - Pff haha.
'"...I'll just take one hit and die?"' - oh Keisei, good guys don't die from one hit.
'He's really waiting! Even though there's no good reason at all to!' - Are you kidding? What kind of bad guy doesn't know the importance of waiting in a story?
Well, it's a little bit predictable, though, the Sakura taking Keisei's blood thing.
Whoo! Claw punch!
And... it's a tutorial. *headdesk* Why was I not expecting this?
9/12/2013 c4 xxxyx
'A female. A male. And another female...' - I think using 'girl' or 'boy' would sound better.
'Why did everyone dye their hair?' - rofl.
'"Don't worry about."' - about it?
Lol, Shion sounds like an exaggeratingly interesting character. Although, now I think I know how people got chosen for 'the story school'.
Hm, multi-story? Interesting concept. And abilities are only useable in your own story. Unique. Aw... no crossovers allowed? :P
'Since your abilities are a representation of your self in the story...' - yourself (no space)
'...any more and the audience will find it very difficult to follow.' - Ah, now I'm curious to know of the audiences.
'..Come to think of it, is there any meaning in gestures like those?' -lol. Anyway, he ellipse at the beginning might not be needed.
Whoah, wait, Alucard? That's OP!
Dive bombing bats cliffhanger. Lovely.
Not too impressive, but an amusing read nonetheless. Will return to read more if I got the chance to.
9/11/2013 c3 xxxyx
My hunch says that they got the same room because it's a 'story'.
I like the closed-eye Reika.
Hm... this flashback works better than the last one in my opinion.
Uh... let's hope this story is not ecchi or something. O.o Uh oh.
'...he had already experienced a event...' - an
'Cooking was surely one of the most lethal weapons for a girl in a 'story'' - (*w*)b
'"You get to be the good guys."' - interesting :D
9/11/2013 c2 xxxyx
Interesting, although I had the feeling that the speech would do better being the first chapter, or prologue, but maybe that's just me. And in italic it is... odd. Maybe just putting a timestamp, like 'Yesterday' at the start of the scene will do. Will see later how it goes.
9/11/2013 c1 xxxyx
Hm, quite a long first chapter compared to your story length.
Nice descriptions.
I like your idea, but the 'telling' instead of 'showing'... could be made better.
And yeah, saying 'it's not as though we're in actual danger' is a death flag. :P
'"I'm sorry. I refuse. Have a nice day."' - Whoa. Aoi? Poor Keisei. And... lol Material Ruler. Seriously it made me wonder... how would that ability be useful? Daisuke was just like... the level 1 boss.
I read the other reviews, but they mostly sound like people who don't appreciate manga-esque style. I'm afraid with your writing being superior to mine, I don't have much to comment, just slightly annoyed at Aoi's flat-out refusal, and then having Keisei fend for himself. She should apologize to him later. :P
3/18/2013 c1 2Zachary Fice
I don't like the sheer volume of text presented in this first chapter. When a book is published and on paper, authors can get away with long chapters both because the hard-copy reading is easier on the eyes and the reader is already usually partially invested in the book when they picked it up (especially if they bought the book). Online, though, it is much easier to overwhelm your reader when they are not yet invested in the story, and unless you do a fantastic job of hooking them and drawing them in, there's a higher chance they'll lose interest before reaching the end of the first chapter. In this case I would lean towards breaking your chapters up into more manageable pieces.

In addition, between the multiple section breaks, many new character names introduced, and twisting pile of plot points thrown at us, I find this chapter disorienting and difficult to get through as a result. There is a lot to come to terms with and I think the story would benefit if you fed it to us at a more gradual pace. You might consider trying to eliminate all the outside fringe points of view and honing in on your main character, at least for the first chapter. Restricting yourself to one point of view will not only help ground the reader, but also get us more in tune with your main character and get a feel for what will be in store for us in coming chapters.
3/10/2013 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
I really liked the concept that you’re working with in this story. I like the regal and secluding aspects of this ‘school’ in Japan. I do wonder if it accepts students from other countries, unless I missed that somewhere I didn’t see that noted, and just from the names of your characters it seems like it’s exclusively an Asian student body. Just curious on that point though.

Also, I kind of felt like the ‘students’ getting a letter of admittance, but the school for all intensive purposes not existing sounded a lot like the Harry Potter premise. I wonder if you could tweak it a bit to make it more original.

I did feel like there were a lot scenes floating around in the chapter, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I thought that a lot of them worked as standalone and didn’t really connect with the rest of the sections as cleanly as they could have. I also didn’t care for the one the sections introduced the characters as a starting point and then the story itself was introduced later. I think you should lead with the section about the school, and introduce your characters from there. Keep up the good work.

Much love,
Juliet.
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