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for Evilyn

12/9/2013 c4 Joflower
Great chapter, although her mother's attitude is unbelievable.
3/15/2013 c3 A-Random-Female
Chapter 4! Chapter 4! Chapter 4! :-D
3/15/2013 c3 Joflower
Sounds like you are off to a good start. However (food for thought) I disagree with your use of a prologue, or the prologue in its current state. Prologues are best used to introduce important ("grabbing") information that occurs before the actual story takes place.

The way it is now would best serve the story if chapter one began with her training with Gareth, leaving the reader with enticed interest in what happened in her (mysterious) past. Then use flash-backs or dreams to tell what happened in the past (currently chapters 1-?) leading up to her escape (which is what I'm guessing the prologue is).

Or, if you wish to keep the story in its current form, change the prologue to something that abstractly foreshadows what's going to happen, or talk about the fall of the kingdom (a new heartless king took the throne shortly before a horrible plague ravaged the land and those who lived in it. Describe how Evilyn lost her family to it, and her growing hatred to this king, how she, and others like her, want to take their revenge on the king by forming a rebellion that would overthrow him and his tyrannical reign, etc. Or write a short confession about how she never expected such and such to take place, how all she wanted was the overthrow/kill the king for what he had done, etc) Keep it short and lose the "running through the forest... her eyes widening as she heard them catching up to her". The action that takes place in the prologue doesn't flow well with the first few chapters and sounds like an excerpt from a later chapter. While the action grabs the reader's interest, the reader can find him/herself feeling bogged down in the first few chapters and, like me, find the "prologue" ill-fitting.

So those are my thoughts. I'm not sure how much of this story you have written, so it would be a lot of work to change everything you have to fit the current prologue, so my constructive suggestion would be that you either cut out the prologue or redo it. I would be happy to respond to a PM from you about this review/feedback.

Looking forward to what happens next.
3/14/2013 c2 A-Random-Female
Awww! I feel so sorry for them. :-(
Great chapter and I'll be waiting for an update. :-)
2/25/2013 c1 A-Random-Female
I was wondering where you disappeared to. I love this story! The plotline is good too.

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