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for Soldier

3/14/2013 c1 Persia Mylar
Excellent! Very poetic in its presentation. In 400 words plus you place more emotion and angst than most do in a thosand words. That's not an easy task to do. The story reminds me of a scene in the movie "The Thin Red Line" where the soldier charges into battle and enters a fog where his fellow soldiers become a blur and he doesn't know if those blurs are still his comrades or the enemy.

I also feel the shadows he sees may be the ghosts of his fallen comrades. I also like you keep whatever war this is a mystery, though it would fit any war but is the mention of trying to grab their red coats possibly a reference to the revolutionary war and this soldier is British? If so, that would give it even more meaning as any war anytime always demands a high price both physically and psychologically.

Lastly, thanks for writing a short story. I think that art is becoming lost, as everyone these days wish to write epic, million word essays that honestly have only enough plot for a short story, if even that. Either way, great job!
3/13/2013 c1 1The Quiller
I admit that I had to read through this several times before I could write a review that didn't just gush over the lovely use of language. Although it's short, it's very poignant, and you've packed in a lot of incredible recursion and repetition that just adds to the overall effect of horror and entrapment. I especially love the repetition of 'a billion shards of echoing sound'. I've never run across that metaphor before, and I love it.

I got the sense that your narrator was trapped in some kind of post traumatic stress disorder where he or she has to relive the same horrific events over and over again. The loss of comrades is acute, and the vivid imagery drives it home.

On the concrit side, the use of repetition and the vivid imagery does tend to sacrifice some willing suspension of belief on the reader's part, especially when you alternate between being incredibly descriptive and being minimalist. The transition between 'I wailed into the night, shredding the silence into a billion different pieces.' and 'The shot goes off. They have run into the trap.' was jarring, personally, but I do understand that you don't want to describe the same scene over and over with purple prose. Maybe rephrasing or rewording so that it has more emotive meaning? Like, instead of 'They have run into the trap', something like 'They slip through my fingers'.

Anyway, that's really all I have to nitpick about. Excellently done as a whole! I have no idea why this didn't get more reviews before now.
3/13/2013 c1 3Brandon Macauley
A interesting tale. I do like how it seems to be from a PTSD soldiers point of view. The lament of loosing your friends in battle is defiantly a troubling subject matter and handled it well. I do have two small criticisms though. First of you use "eye-melting" twice and then "flesh-melting" try to vary your description a little. Mabye "a brilliant flash of metal and pain?" anything but repeating yourself. Also the line "I'm so cold. Did I ever mention that?" is way to jovial sounding for the subject matter. Its like being at a funeral and a clown pops out of the blue and honks at you. All in all I would rate it a 7/10

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