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5/4/2013 c1 Cacuu
I'm guessing these reds are somewhat demon-vampires that do graffiti with magic.
that's some imagination. heck, I like all this about the normals ruling over the reds, while they have the upper hand on power (or maybe not?). the hunter thing was a bit underexplained, and the story seems to end on a cliffhanger, which means you'll continue at some point. Unless you gave up, that is.
I'm guessing Gage will become a red, or something around those lines, anyways, this story seems good, and there are a good lot of things that have yet to be explained in full. Seems like something I'd like to read. Following.
4/14/2013 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
I think your dialogue was great. Especially toward the beginning of the piece. You did a great job at showing Gages fear as well as Dante's calculating personality. I did feel that you could have added more descriptions throughout to make the scene come more alive. I feel like this is about 60% dialogue and 40% description, maybe if you can even that out a bit more it would help. Nice job overall. Keep up the good work.

Much love
3/13/2013 c1 11flashangel
The plot was very interesting and as usual, perfect in my eyes. I apologize for not giving a long review. I just can't find any mistakes.
2/28/2013 c1 4Rebel Maru
Ooohh... This is really interesting! I really want to find out what happens next! Good job, man.

I like the whole world-bulding type thing you have going here and your first chapter does a good job of creating so many questions in the reader's head, but answering enough of them that they want to keep reading!

Rebel Maru
2/27/2013 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
[His fingers are cold as death]

This is kind of a cliche description, so maybe think of something new? Maybe play around with a metallic image, since metal gets really cold to the point of stinging your skin. I think that would fit into the tone of the story pretty well, too.

[The cold bricks at Gage's back, combined with the Red's hand, and okay, also fear, have him shaking.]

Maybe set the "and okay" apart a little more from the prose. Perhaps use some parenthesis? Or another comma after "and" and before "okay" might help with the rhythm/clarity of the aside.

[Trying to ignore the red-hot pain (hah, Red hot pain) and trying to ignore Kai's small noises of ecstasy.]

Is this the narrator talking in the italics or Gage? Since Gage doesn't seem like much of a trickster so far, I don't know if I'd believe him laughing about his own pain. Just something to consider.

I'm having a little trouble placing where everyone is in the beginning, and just how many people there are. Maybe slowing the pacing down and putting in some exposition/world building/character details might be something to consider. Since you're using a third-person narrator, you have access to a lot of information that a first-person narrator wouldn't. Utilizing that may make the beginning easier to follow and picture. For example, giving some backstory on what a "Red" really is might be something to think about. Since this is a short story and I'm assuming nothing is coming after this, you have to really make sure everything counts and is well enough explained that this one chapter can stand on its own. When I see "Red," I start thinking of Indians (because their skin is "red"), or communists. It wasn't until the last few lines that I understood Red meant vampires, because your blood is red and they feed off of blood... it's a pretty big stretch for a reader to come up with on their own, especially when things are happening so quickly. It's obvious these guys are vampires, but the term "Red" made me scratch my head.

This story leaves me with a lot of questions, too. Like why Gage has to flee across the border. And is he going to turn into a vampire? I'm not sure that was made clear enough. Or maybe how vampires turn other people into vampires, because it doesn't seem like the conventional zombie-like "if you're bitten you'll turn into one" device. I think just taking a step back and developing more than only your characters will help you achieve something that's more narrow and deep, in terms of story-telling. Right now I'm not sure what I'm supposed to take away from this, which isn't really a bag thing, there's nothing wrong with fiction that's only meant to entertain someone, but this doesn't feel complete. Kind of like comparing a sketch to a finished drawing. I think you have a nice outline and series of events, but it needs more meat, exposition, and explanation in order for it to create a lasting effect.

I hope this doesn't come across as discouraging. It could very well just be me. Either way, I hope you found this helpful.
2/27/2013 c1 2MariaHarundinis
I think this has the makings of an interesting story, but there are some things that didn't feel quite right to me. I like how you managed to introduce several characters and develop several plotlines, but sometimes I thought it could use a bit more ... elaboration? It just moved too quickly for me sometimes and I think just a little more descriptions could do the trick. And I also thought Gage gave in really quickly. If he moved into Red-territory, I guess he knew the danger of the situation, so it felt a bit weird that he didn't really fight back or try to escape or something. But apart from those remarks: it's definitely a good start of a possibly very interesting story; I'm curious to see how you'll develop the Red-territory and the 'relationship' Gage-Dante.
2/27/2013 c1 8Adrenalin
Interesting take on... vampires, I guess? I liked that they had their own territory, complete with borders and guards. I'd like to see more of it, to know whether they really live in an independent country, with a government and all, or if they're just isolated from the 'Normals' (kinda like a District 9 setting...) (if you've seen the movie, if not, kinda like a refugee camp(except your Reds don't sound nowhere near as helpless as refugees).
I could also see the similarities with Holy the dark.

Overall I like this story, but I think Gage's motivations for coming into Reds' territory are not developed enough. It sounds very foolish, seeing how dangerous they are and how little he can do in terms of self-defense.
2/27/2013 c1 2Jalux
I like how you have left a lot up in the air, such as what exactly Normals are (I'm assuming human). This lack of exposition means the reader won't ever get bored but it's also very confusing for the reader. I do like how you fit so much into so little words though, it's quick and makes a nice read albeit it does make it harder to visualize the settings and characters due to the minimal description.

One thing I like to see improved is your initial hook,
[The Red's head is shaved on one side, and Gage can see all too clearly the bite marks on his neck. His fingers are cold as death when he pulls Gage's chin up to look him in the eye.]
It's not very well...interesting. I mean it feels like you're reading something that's been done multiple times before. Not quite sure what to change this to as it's your story but I think a more interesting start would benefit the story.
2/26/2013 c1 11Unweighted Book Author
I like the way you handle the setting. Avoiding an overload of exposition is probably one of the key concerns in the starting chapters, but at the same time you don't want to leave your readers completely confused at what exactly's going on. There's enough information given here that the reader can make some educated guesses, but it never gives the reader the impression of exposition, which is a sign that it's been handled very well.

It's actually pretty amazing that this chapter only hits 1.3k words, because you manage to do so much within those constraints. You introduce a few characters, lay down some plot threads, and even manage to get into the setting a little. It's probably due to your minimalist style.

However, this kind of writing also has a drawback. When you're using so little words, you really need to get the most out of each and every word you use, and even the best of writers can fall short. Certain parts of the story could do with more elaboration. For example, when you deal with Gage's pain and terror, those emotions aren't portrayed as strongly as they could be. These are powerful emotions - the strongest in this chapter, in fact - and I don't think it would hurt to add more to their portrayal and strengthen them.

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