Just In
for Etherial

8/29/2013 c3 99Dreamers-Requiem
You may want to get rid of the text at the start. You don’t need the information there as the reader is – or should be – already familiar with what you’ve pointed out. At this point, you want them to plunge straight into the story at the start of the chapter. You may want to lengthen your paragraphs, too. At the moment, they are really short – no more than one line most of the time – and it makes it feel jumpy. I’d suggest adding in more description, too. Surroundings, emotions, actions. All of them can really add to the story and stop it feeling dialogue heavy. When you have so much dialogue, it can get a bit confusing, especially if you have more than two characters talking.

In terms of emotions and what the characters are feeling, a lot of what you do is telling rather than showing. His reactions to the zombies on TV are very…bland. We learn nothing about the main character from it, except he likes zombies. Use it to show us something more or cut it out. Everything should add something to our understanding on him as a person. You have a tendency to repeat a lot of words; [soft fabric of my shirt to the bottom, playing with the fabric there.] could be shortened. Go through your sentences, see where it would still make sense if you drop certain words. And, again, really build on these characters. Make them real to us. Describe emotions – especially on other character’s faces. Think about the sort of things he might notice more than others. Eyes, lips, do the other characters have quirks or features he picks up on? Just some stuff to think about. Hope this helps.
6/16/2013 c2 Dreamers-Requiem
Picked up on a few grammar errors. Cleaning them up will really help polish this. ["Thanks coach," I replied sleepily, running a hand through my dark brown curls, "Glad you're being the adult in the situation."] should have a comma between ‘thanks’ and ‘coach’, and no comma before the next bit of dialogue. [to piss me off," He said to me sternly.] Should be ‘he said’. I think you could shorten it, too, to ‘he said sternly.’ It’s clear who he’s talking to, so you don’t need the ‘to me’. Again, I think the story is quite interesting, and you have some good interactions between the characters. Making it just a little cleaner and smoother, technically, will really help strengthen it. Good luck.
4/15/2013 c1 Dreamers-Requiem
A very interesting idea, and I'm keen to see where it goes. I think the first part has a very strong hook, although I'm in mixed minds about the second. I can see why you've included it, yet I'm not sure if it really adds anything. There are a few grammar things you might want to clean up; ["What is it Joy?"] noticed this quite a few times. It's only a small thing, but when someone is being addressed you need a comma before the name. I feel like the pacing at times is a bit fast; it's very dialogue heavy, so maybe add in some more description around the dialogue. Use character's reactions, use their surroundings, their interactions and thoughts. You can really add a lot just by slowing it down a tad and describing more around them.
3/17/2013 c1 9Infected Beliefs
["They keep dying!" Elizabeth Anne screamed...] - 0.o Good first line! Immediately makes me wonder "who keeps dying?" The follow-up for it, with her adviser not batting an eyelid at the seemingly shocking statement only causes further questions to spring up. It draws the reader in right away and hooks them instantly. It is always important to snare your reader as quickly as possible, and this is an example of a hook well done.

[...running a bulky hand through his lion's mane type of beard.] - I have heard of hair being described as a lion's mane before, but never a beard. Trying to picture it.

[A small woman, barely out of her teenage years, walked through the arch leading into the dining hall timidly.] - This sentence sounds awkward to me, but only because of the "timidly" tacked on at the end. My suggestion would be to take it from the end and insert it either directly before or after "walked." You also end the next sentence with "timidly." We understand from the first usage that she is a timid character, you don't need to tell us twice.

Though it is completely unnecessary, I think it might be kind of cool if you did the entire first part of this chapter with archaic dialogue, considering that the rest of your chapter (and story I presume) is set in modern times. It would provide a good contrast to set the ancient times (which I guess to be medieval ages considering the witch burning) apart from the modern day setting. It is just a suggestion, and like I said, completely unnecessary, but it might add some more flair to the first chapter.

[But it was no use, her pursuer had already seen her.] - Even if they hadn't seen her they would have heard her; she just screamed.

["Austin," she whispered my name in a desperate blue.] - I don't understand what "a desperate blue" is relative to sound. The only time I can see sound is when I take LSD, so unless this guy, Austin, is having an acid flashback I'm at quite a loss.

The chapter ended well. It left many questions unanswered and the reader (or myself at least) wanting to continue reading to find out what is going on, and how this "hybrid" is going to come into play. Good work.

Sharing some love from RH.

Best of luck to you and your writing,

3/8/2013 c2 1ResurrectedLight
Well, that was interesting and far too short. I must know more. lol.

This really good. You are a very talented writer and this story shows a lot of promise. I can't wait to read more.

I only noticed a couple of things that bugged me grammar-wise.

'Trainers, doctors, teachers, historians, chefs, janitors, you name it, someone was here doing it.' I think 'someone here was' would sound less awkward but it's not a necessary change.

'It was uncomfortable, but I (was) to(o) exhausted to care, I was asleep the moment I shut my eyes.' You should also change the comma to a period to avoid a run-on sentence.
3/4/2013 c1 1TawneyEverett
The plot of your story is very interesting. This is not a genre I would usually pick up but it kept my attention and peeked my interest. In my opinion that is the most important part of writing a story. One thing I would do is try and make the sentence structure flow a little better to give it more of a poetic effect and make it more aesthetic to the reader. For example, instead of, "pacing the cobblestone floors of the dining hall violently" it may flow a bit better if you wrote, "violently pacing the cobblestone floors of the dining hall." Also just one other thing I didn't get and maybe it is just me but "his lion's mane type of beard" doesn't make sense to me. Are you trying to say the lion’s mane looks like a beard? Some clarification there would help. Otherwise, keep up the great work.
3/4/2013 c1 3burlap
I really like how you used this prologue to hint at the plot, but not make it entirely clear. You have really nice decriptions, too, and you introduced your characters nicely.
I did notice a couple of things, though:

"Satan are powerful." Marcus " -this period should be a comma instead.

". . .themselves!" She said"; "Your grace," She said"; ""Help me," She begged, seeming" -none of these she's should be capitalized, as they all follow dialogue tags with commas. Something I also noticed as I read was that in "They were sent here to protect . . . as she talked.", you have two dialogue tags following the dialogue itself. Generally when doing dialogue, two dialogue tags for the same speaker aren't used.

"turned to Marcus, "What" -This comma should be a period instead.

"A small woman, barely out of her teenage years walked" -there should be a comma between "years" and "walked".

"Hello Sir, Your grace" -"Grace" should be capitalized as it is part of her title. "Her Highness" should be captilized for the same reason.

"a message Jane" -there should be a comma between "message" and "Jane".

"the dream returned..." -this should probably just be a period instead of an ellipses.

Happy writing!
3/4/2013 c2 19Anihyr Moonstar
Oh, the dialogue tags again.

["Thanks coach." I replied sleepily, running a hand through my dark brown curls, "Glad you're being the adult in the situation."] Should be: ["Thanks coach," I replied sleepily, running a hand through my dark brown curls. "Glad you're being the adult in the situation."]

[...which is beginning to piss me off," He said to me sternly.] Should be: [...which is beginning to piss me off," he said to me sternly.]

["You should get laid!" An enthusiastic voice chimed in.] Lower-case the 'a' in 'an'.

You get them right some of the time, but there are still issues (more than this, but I figured I'm not your beta so I shouldn't spend the entire review whining about grammar).

So far I quite like Jacob. He seems to have a fun spark of personality. I also enjoyed the interactions between the different characters at the breakfast table as a whole. I think you do a pretty good job setting them apart, defining their roles and giving them each a little dash of something to make them unique (though Jacob clearly stands out, haha - not in a bad way).

[My eyes grew wide in alarm but I decided a glare would work better. Unlike most, my glare was ineffective on Jacob, but it was my automatic response anyway.] He goes out of his way to say that his glare is his 'automatic' response here, but his automatic response wasn't a glare, it was those wide-eyes. This seems a little silly. x3

["I'm with Kirie, she's my fiance remember?" I replied, "I've known her since we were kids and we've been engaged for a year now, I could never do something like that."] Mrrrr...to me, this feels like info-dumping. Just a simple, "Yeah right, I'm engaged, dude. Back off." Or something similar would do the trick just fine here and feel more natural. I don't know about you, but when I'm having a conversation with people who know me, I don't remind them in quite that much detail of all the things they already know. (Just a thought.)

I think you do a good job of keeping our narrator's constant exhaustion a consistent part of the story. Just like he can't forget it, he never lets the reader forget it, and just as a tired mind tends to do, his weariness is something that keeps butting into his every other thought. Hope he can get some help, soon, though - looks like it's tearing him apart at the moment.

- Moonstar
3/2/2013 c2 A. Nonymous1234
Hmm... your main question was "should I keep posting this on fictionpress?" I would say yes. The characters, plot, and ideas are all strong enough to continue. However, I do feel like the angel guardian, angel vs. demons, heaven and hell plotline is a little too overused. I don't tend to read these stories, but I see them pop up way too much. Each of them is a little different, however. As for writing, the story has a decent flow. The grammar is a little rickety at some places. I found myself skimming a little in slow parts. Overall, this is good, and I think you should continue posting it. You seem to have a good fanbase already. (:
3/2/2013 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
I like your dialogue because it's really effective at getting information across and building on the plot. One great way to impart information to a reader without it feeling like an info-dump is to do so through conversation of the characters, which you handle really well. Without much background I'm pretty much able to understand what the queen is so upset about in the first scene, as well as the current situation with her people. I'm wondering what the past has to do with the present, too, so there's some nice intrigue built early on in this prologue.

One suggestion I have is to maybe add some more setting to the first scene. You do a great job building the setting in the second scene to where I'm able to easily picture the forest, but not so much detail is given of the first scene. I don't think you need to provide anything drastic, just a paragraph or two to help ground the reader, maybe even providing some concrete details about the character's appearances themselves. Right now it kind of reads like disembodies voices and it's hard for me to picture where the characters actually are. Giving the third-person narrator more of a presence in the opening scene I think will help fix that.
3/2/2013 c2 RemnantsOfSyreal
"You should get laid!" An enthusiastic voice chimed in. - okay, that earned a snicker from me, well done.

"I'm with Kirie, she's my fiance remember?" I replied, "I've known her since we were kids and we've been engaged for a year now, I could never do something like that." - I get the purpose of the line, it presents needed information, but it reads a bit too expository. It might be better to trim it down to a single part of that sentiment, somewhere in the neighborhood of 'I'm engaged, remember?' The other details can come later, they aren't as important, what you're establishing here is that Austin is off the market. Again, it isn't a major sticking point, just something that reads a bit funny.

There was a fragrant pause as we all chewed. - I think you might be better served with another word in place of fragrant. It isn't a bad word per se, it just doesn't look like it fits. That might just be my imagination, as well, so take that as you will.

I wouldn't mind reading some more material if you've got it, I've become a bit active on the site so I'm here fairly frequently. If you've got any specific feedback you'd like - characters, dialogue, prose, phrasing, what have you - just let me know by PM. Until later, toodles :)
3/2/2013 c1 RemnantsOfSyreal
The imagery of the dream is a nice touch, it has that cottony, blurry feel that you get from them, and the premise is interesting enough to warrant further reading. I'm curious to see where you take the 'war in the heavens' premise.

The prose is pretty solid, it reads fairly easily and nothing seems out of place or untoward. Same goes for the dialogue. It's a brief prologue, but it does a good job of conveying what you're trying to get across. Sometimes less is more, and in this case I think you've done right by it.
3/2/2013 c1 Amiee
I loved it *-*
The idea of the protectors is really neat, i think its going to make an awesome story line.
I can't wait to find out what makes the protectors so special. What elements make them different from normal human beings?
It just keeps getting better and better :D
Love, Amiee 3
3/2/2013 c1 2Ghost Divsion
The story has flashes of originality and the characters are well defined, although you could take more care in describing their appearances as well as what they do. I like the idea of a battle between heaven and hell. There are some grammar errors throughout, but nothing serious.
3/2/2013 c2 2MuseAndMarble
I liked this chapter a bit more, since I'm getting a better feel for the main character. Also, dialogue saw a bit of an improvement. There was lot more going on so I was definitely interested throughout. So overall, I thought it was pretty good.
20 Page 1 2 Next »

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service