for Still Doll7/15/2013 c2 Guest
CONTINUE DAMMIT.
CONTINUE DAMMIT.
6/21/2013 c2 
99Dreamers-Requiem
Really nice style, especially with the narration. It flows quite nicely, though there are some parts you may want to consider changing. [that it took me ten minutes to decided to crawl out] really minor typo, but it throws off the sentence. I would suggest not using italics for emphasis, either. The majority of the time (not just here, but in general) they don’t work. Let the reader decide for themselves where the emphasis goes. I really like the conflict you have with how she loves him and isn’t sure if his love for her is ‘real’ or not, and it’ll be interesting to see that played on. I do think you could have maybe introduced it a bit earlier, and shown her conflict a bit more strongly; up until that point, I thought she didn’t have any interest in him in that way. [The worst part of it all came from the moments I took to over-analyze the hell out of it when I was sixteen years old.] The first part makes it sound like the worst parts still happen, but the second (obviously) indicates that she only over-analysed it when she was younger. Yet she goes on to still over-analyse now…maybe just get rid of the ‘when I was sixteen years old’ bit? It doesn’t really add anything. Good luck, and I look forward to seeing more.
99Dreamers-RequiemReally nice style, especially with the narration. It flows quite nicely, though there are some parts you may want to consider changing. [that it took me ten minutes to decided to crawl out] really minor typo, but it throws off the sentence. I would suggest not using italics for emphasis, either. The majority of the time (not just here, but in general) they don’t work. Let the reader decide for themselves where the emphasis goes. I really like the conflict you have with how she loves him and isn’t sure if his love for her is ‘real’ or not, and it’ll be interesting to see that played on. I do think you could have maybe introduced it a bit earlier, and shown her conflict a bit more strongly; up until that point, I thought she didn’t have any interest in him in that way. [The worst part of it all came from the moments I took to over-analyze the hell out of it when I was sixteen years old.] The first part makes it sound like the worst parts still happen, but the second (obviously) indicates that she only over-analysed it when she was younger. Yet she goes on to still over-analyse now…maybe just get rid of the ‘when I was sixteen years old’ bit? It doesn’t really add anything. Good luck, and I look forward to seeing more.
4/28/2013 c1 Dreamers-Requiem
An interesting story, and I look forward to seeing where it goes. I like the personalities of the characters, but the girl seems a bit older than eight. You maybe want to make her seem more...childlike? I think the crying comes a little sudden, too, on the doll's part. Watch out for using "I told" too much as a speech tag; it can make it a little repetitive. Especially with the last few lines. With "I'll love you forever," it's clear she's talking to Royce, so you could simplify it to just "I whispered." A few small minor things throughout, but I noticed another reviewer point them out so I won't go through them here. Good luck.
An interesting story, and I look forward to seeing where it goes. I like the personalities of the characters, but the girl seems a bit older than eight. You maybe want to make her seem more...childlike? I think the crying comes a little sudden, too, on the doll's part. Watch out for using "I told" too much as a speech tag; it can make it a little repetitive. Especially with the last few lines. With "I'll love you forever," it's clear she's talking to Royce, so you could simplify it to just "I whispered." A few small minor things throughout, but I noticed another reviewer point them out so I won't go through them here. Good luck.
3/29/2013 c1 JWT
This is a lovely idea and I can see this plot developing into a very interesting story.
I did notice a few typos:
"wondering into the kitched" should be "wandering" and you've accidentally added a bonnus "my" near the end in "see my any of my master's"
Also, in that sentance, "master's" is a plural so should not have an apostrophe. If you meant to write "master's smiles" (as in he has never seen the smile of any of his masters) then the apostrophe should be after the s - "masters' " - as there are multiple masters.
A couple of other points that might be helpful:
"I nodded and tromped through the fresh snow and back into our house." The multiple use of the word "and" makes the writing sound a bit less sophisticated, which is a shame as overall you seem to have quite an eloquent style. The sentance would make perfect sense if you simply remove the second "and", or you could reword it somehow.
Similarly, the "and" in "a box across his lap and wrapped in pale, sparkling paper." doesn't sit very well. Perhaps consider "that was wrapped..." or "a box wrapped...lay across his lap" for example.
"I would probably have enough time to tidy up the kitchen before he came inside." This sentance is in a different tense to the rest. You could just add something along the lines of "I thought that I would probably..." at the start or slightly reowrd it to correct this.
I know that you might not want to drag out the prologue for too long, but I think it could do with just a little extention to either add in more surprise at the doll coming to life - children are very imaginative but she does seem to accept it a little too easily, as does her father - or, if it is the case, to set it up that they are in a universe where such things are not as surprising.
Overall a very enjoyable prologue and I am really sorry if I sound like I am picking flaws :)
This is a lovely idea and I can see this plot developing into a very interesting story.
I did notice a few typos:
"wondering into the kitched" should be "wandering" and you've accidentally added a bonnus "my" near the end in "see my any of my master's"
Also, in that sentance, "master's" is a plural so should not have an apostrophe. If you meant to write "master's smiles" (as in he has never seen the smile of any of his masters) then the apostrophe should be after the s - "masters' " - as there are multiple masters.
A couple of other points that might be helpful:
"I nodded and tromped through the fresh snow and back into our house." The multiple use of the word "and" makes the writing sound a bit less sophisticated, which is a shame as overall you seem to have quite an eloquent style. The sentance would make perfect sense if you simply remove the second "and", or you could reword it somehow.
Similarly, the "and" in "a box across his lap and wrapped in pale, sparkling paper." doesn't sit very well. Perhaps consider "that was wrapped..." or "a box wrapped...lay across his lap" for example.
"I would probably have enough time to tidy up the kitchen before he came inside." This sentance is in a different tense to the rest. You could just add something along the lines of "I thought that I would probably..." at the start or slightly reowrd it to correct this.
I know that you might not want to drag out the prologue for too long, but I think it could do with just a little extention to either add in more surprise at the doll coming to life - children are very imaginative but she does seem to accept it a little too easily, as does her father - or, if it is the case, to set it up that they are in a universe where such things are not as surprising.
Overall a very enjoyable prologue and I am really sorry if I sound like I am picking flaws :)
3/26/2013 c2 2Viola Chambers
Oh boy, something tells me that the next chapter is gonna be...interesting. Can't wait :-)
2Viola ChambersOh boy, something tells me that the next chapter is gonna be...interesting. Can't wait :-)
3/25/2013 c1 4TheChosenErratical
Very nice plot, a doll that can grow in human size and seducing a girl that is super original. Hope to read more.
4TheChosenErraticalVery nice plot, a doll that can grow in human size and seducing a girl that is super original. Hope to read more.
3/25/2013 c2 6ShiftyObserver
Wow! The writing is all there, and you have a certain flair for style, like the car with attitude. Great prose and interesting plot line!
6ShiftyObserverWow! The writing is all there, and you have a certain flair for style, like the car with attitude. Great prose and interesting plot line!
3/4/2013 c1 5HopelessGenius
I can't believe that I've never heard of this type of plot before! It's wonderfully ingenious, and I absolutely adore it already. I can't wait for you next update! :)
Hopeless
5HopelessGeniusI can't believe that I've never heard of this type of plot before! It's wonderfully ingenious, and I absolutely adore it already. I can't wait for you next update! :)
Hopeless
3/3/2013 c1 InsanityAndBeyond
I love it so far. Really original and i can anticipate the older romance. Update soon!
I love it so far. Really original and i can anticipate the older romance. Update soon!