6/21/2013 c1 2TS Conlon
The first thing I noticed when scoping out this story is the weird breakdown of chapters. The prelude contains both the prelude and the first chapter. That made me check out the drop down cursor and found that many of the chapters are broken up into two parts. Can't one part be one chapter and the next part be another? I'm curious about the thought process.

-[I screamed when the knife dug into my skin...] and [His face lit up when the blood began to flow down my skin...]: The use of the word "skin" twice in such close proximity is jarring. In fact, the second instance is unnecessary. It could be changed to [His face lit up when the blood began to flow.]

-I don't think I'll ever get used to wearing the thing, it felt like being branded now that I knew what it was but Mik said it was important and it would act as proof of my lineage.: This is kind of a run-on sentence. We can break it down to make it easier to read. "I don't think I'll ever get used to wearing the felt like being branded now that I knew what it Mik said it was important, that it would act as proof of my lineage."

-...favorite necklace, hat theory...: The word "hat" should be "that."

-...I managed to even unintentionally elude even the Royal Guard for 6 years.: You use the word "even" twice here. Personally, I don't think the first one.

-"This is my cousin, Salvaya, but you can call her Sal." Mik answered, motioning for her to come forward with a nod.: The period after "Sal" should instead be a comma. "Mik answered" is a dialogue tag, and therefore it should read ["This is my cousin, Salvaya. But you can call her Sal," Mik answered. He nodded for her to come forward.]. I also edited the wording a bit, makes it less wordy and feels better to the overall flow.

-Finally she smiled, but didn't take my hand, before greeting me with a "It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance princess Selece.": You really don't need the "before greeting me" part. Also, "acquaintance" should be followed by a comma and princess should be capitalized.
[Finally she smiled, but didn't take my hand. "It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Princess Selece."

-I looked down at my hand and withdrew it before responding, "The pleasure is all mine Salvaya, such a unique name.. Were you named after the late princess by chance?": Someone mentioned this, but that comma after "responding" should be a period ... but so should the comma after "Salvaya." And I think the two periods denote an elliptical pause, but it should be three periods instead.

-[...changing from a gown into my far less cumbersome riding pants...] and [...and found escape to be far less cumbersome than entrance.]: You use "far less cumbersome" twice in this sentence, and it could do with some changing up, a different expression.

-"I saw that." Accosted a deep baritone voice behind me.: Some words are not meant to be dialogue tags. They disrupt the flow and while it may seem nice to have a word that you think fits the emotion, it's used incorrectly. "Accused" would be a better word, but even then I'd change it to ["I saw that," said a deep voice behind me, accusing.]

-...motorri eyes...: Forgive my ignorance, but what does "motorri" mean? I can't find any instance in any dictionary. I've seen variations in spelling, but the langauges are Spanish or Italian and they mean "motorized." If that is the case, would this be a word used in your world?

-Well then lets see how long you can keep that up.: Should this be italicized, meaning that the main character is thinking it? I ask because this is the first time you've used a second-person title in the narrative.

-It's possible, Mik is also your cousin is he not?: You're missing a comma after "cousin" and I'm not too sure about the one after possible. [It's possible. Mik is also your cousin, is he not?]

-"Where are you from Elaine?": A comma should be after "from."

-"And I'm in charge of your well-being now, so I would ask you to stop acting so immature, you're almost an adult." He said condescendingly.: The fact that he's calling her immature already tells the reader his tone of voice. The word "condescendingly" isn't needed.

-"I won't be anyone's pawn, or anyone's glass doll...: Entu mentioned the pawn first, so I understand why she mentioned it. However, I don't understand how she came to the "glass doll" reference.

ASSESSMENT TIME!:
The first thing I look at is the actual prose. You've got a good amont of description, nothing over-the-top, and my imagination is allowed to work. What continually threw me off were the punctuation errors. You've got periods that should be commas, commas that should be periods (usually pertaining to dialogue tags), instances where you should have a comma but there's nothing, and only two dots in your ellipses instead of three.

Another thing I noticed is your flow. You like to use words and phrases that are otherwise unnecessary, and they end up cluttering your sentences. On the other hand, you like to squeeze in actions with dialogue tag. Selece speaks to Isobel while she buys her an apple. Or Selece kisses Entu at the same time that she's speaking. It's good that you're using ", [...]ing" to break-up clutter and limit the use of the word "and." However, because you're using this formula with the dialogue tags, it makes the flow seen uneven.

I can't help but think that I've come into a sequel. I feel like I should have known Princess Selece's history before coming into this story, and I feel like it would have been explained in another book or story. Maybe that's what "Succession: Pirates" is. Maybe this will explain the significance of Entu's real name, "Artuzo Endar." This doesn't really effect Selece, so I wasn't sure I should respond, but maybe that'll be cleared up in the book preceeding this?

Also, this seemed way too long for a chapter. So many scene changes, so many different things happening, problems forming and then being solved soon thereafter... I think this would work if it was broken down into shorter segments. A section for her arguments with Mik and her going out into the town to feed the poor and cure the sick. Another section could be about her rediscovery of Entu and her confrontation with Elaine, and then lastly for finding Isobel. Overall, this covers a lot of ground but says very little about the actual world. I know there is a monarchy, I know that there are pirates, and I know that some form of magic using "tendrils of power" exist, but I have no idea what it is because it isn't explained and I haven't read the first book. Some exposition would be nice, but it would increase the chapter length even more, which is why breaking this down would prove fundamental. Great sequels are able to stand alone without relying on the first book as a crutch. For example, one could read "the Chamber of Secrets" or "Catching Fire" without having to read "The Sorceror's Stone" or "Hunger Games."

As for the characters, well, Selece seems nice. The fact that she's uninterested with being nobility gives her more personality. She'd rather go out into the streets, incognito, and help peasants. She feels like that's a better contribution to the kingdom that sitting idle on a pedestal. So we see her charity. But she isn't naive. She doesn't trust Elaine, and wants to get to the bottom of her. Elaine is mysterious and condescending, makes you wonder what her deal is. Isobel doesn't have much of a personality right now. She's just kind of "there." I know that she's suffered but I don't see the sadness, the distrust, the anger. She's beautiful and peaceful, just like Selece. I'm hoping that changes later on. Mik seems to be the voice of reason, the person who reins Selece in one way or another. Entu—or Artuzo—is a cocky horndog, definitely a "bad boy." But he doesn't seem to have much want besides trying to get Selece to become a pirate again. I'm uncertain what sway he olds over her, but it was apparently enough to make her sleep with him after not seeing him for a couple years.

All in all, a good effort with some changes to be made, but nothing too drastic. I think I'll attempt to read the first book before continuing with this one, though.

4/11/2013 c1 Wendy Thompson135th
The strange man hesitated for a minute, and I began to grow impatient, "well?"

He chuckled, "Well aren't we feisty nowadays Cee?" -Neither of these two sentences is a dialogue tag sentence. they both lack any form of 'say' or any synonym for 'say'. More correctly, these are punctuated like this: The strange man hesitated for a minute, and I began to grow impatient(PERIOD). "Well?" & He chuckled(PERIOD). "Well(also, here you need a comma, since 'well is an interjection), aren't we feisty nowadays(and here you need another comma, since direct address, in this case 'Cee', is also an interjection), Cee?"

Ce-fucking-ce. I almost hissed at him through my teeth.- He calls here Cee, not Cece, and there is no Cece in the above example, this is meaningless.
The lack of punctuation makes it necessary to attempt to pause and sort out what is meant. That breaks the reader's attention and interest.

You might try reading this aloud. That is sometimes helpful in bringing trouble spots/awkward phrasing to the writer's attention.

4/5/2013 c16 D.G. Weber
Mik... Squirm...
And heal him again, Cee, and then drown him and bring him back, and remove his fingernails and eyelids, then lock him up with other criminals. And then you can hang him by his toes. Nobody likes child killers... Isobel... :'(

4/1/2013 c14 D.G. Weber
Oh no! But on a much more (or less) serious side, I'll trade Derrick for Felix :) So sweet and protective. 'I'm too busy holding her right now, but tomorrow, you'll wish I had killed you tonight.' Love love.

3/29/2013 c12 D.G. Weber
I like Felix, end of story. Forget Artuzo. I know thats cruel and everything, but warrior prince vs. Pirate... okay, normally pirate would win, but look at that face!

3/25/2013 c1 2malachi3134
Thank you so much for creating such an intriguing story! I am fascinated by your character, Cee. Great job!

3/5/2013 c2 D.G. Weber
Would like to see more. :) Please update