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8/16/2013 c1 10Complex Variable
[/jls/ /aeds/ /mc/ /cw/ /aeds/ /bam/ /aeds/ /slb/ /pjg/ /aeds/ /rh/ /ct/] - - - This is rather cryptic. 8o I'm going to take a guess that these are somehow references/abbreviations/initials for people or things that the various poems here are tributes to and/or inspired by and/or are depictions of. The only hole in this theory of mine is that there are twelve of these things at the bottom of the page, but only eleven poems. Hmm... :/

[and she believed as well as I
that it would always be perfect.] - - - the rest of this first poem is strong. Starting this line on "and she" feels like the rhythm is hanging over the edge. In the first three lines of "Sunshine", there's something of a pause at the end of them, but then you shatter that pattern. It's somewhat awkward.

[every kiss was full of never-before,] - - - I really like this line. :D A great poeticism for the freshness and wonder of a new relationship.

[Hurricane I] - - - As a personal note, I've always been a steadfast opponent of naming things like this—"Motion III", "Sounds IV", "Untitled V". Damn modernists. *Grumble grumble*

[because or in spite
is something I still debate
when I ponder the past
and consider the future
that will never be:
I fled inland] - - - Odd. Like in "Sunshine", you start of "Hurricane I" with a strong, steady rhythm, only to destabilize it half-way through by an elision—taking the ending rhythm of one line and turning it into the starting rhythm of another line. Others might feel differently, but I've always found this particular tactic to be immensely aggravating. At the very least, if you are going to do it, could you just be consistent about it—doing it in every line of the particular poem. When you have it in only part of the poem, it feels like the parts with the elisions is one great ramble running on; it leaves my mental mouth breathless (as in tired from a long, unexpected run.)

[fingers and tongues speaking only
to each other,
in a language no one else would understand.
Much was lost in translation
and in time.] - - - And here again, you do the same thing! xD Elision, elision, elision. Maybe I should just read the opening three lines of each of these poems. x3 The first three lines of "Brightest Star" had a nice rhythm to them—I was starting to groove! :D Then the elisions happened and the floor fell out from under me. :(

"Dancer" is much better than the poems before it. It has a bit of elision and lengthy phrases, but at least it is consistent with them throughout its length. My only recommendation here would be to change [kept up late by the desire to see the world become silent / and revel in it] to "kept up late wanting to revel in a world gone silent." The line [and revel in it] is just a bit too close to hanging off an edge.

Why doesn't "Hurricane II" start with a capital "And"? Did it do something wrong? Did it get its opening word chopped off? ;)

I'd combine [or mad] and [enough to go;] into a single line. As far as I can tell, there's no sensible reason for them to be separated like that; they're part of the same thought, so they should be together, side by side, not all separate and lonely.

[unable to return from the event horizon] - - - This made me laugh. Seeing such a literal connection to the title of the poem ("Black Hole") is disarming—and not entirely in a good way. Your inner science geek is showing. xD Personally, I think that this little scientific shout-out weakens the rest of "Black Hole" by shattering the web of metaphorical meanings that you're weaving.

[that is where she resides;] - - - this is a very weak line.

[ there] / [where there is nothing.] - - - a weak ending. "there / where there" is a very dull assonance, to say the least. There's no finality here. And a black hole is the ultimate finality.

[Hurricane III
but even the wildest storms lose their wind
when they venture away from the sea.] - - -The shortest forms of poetry acceptable to me are three-line haikus and single couplets. x3 Can't you make this longer? (I'm sure that whomever/whatever you are commemorating here will appreciate it! ;D)

Like with you poem "Four Dollars", "Wine" is not really poetic—not in my eyes, at least. It's too plain and literal.

"Thief" is interesting—spicy, maybe even a little bit sensual. I think you could (and should) make it into an awesome limerick. :D? I'd put [to them and to myself.] on the line before it. It feels a little lonely, just hanging there.

[Hurricane IV] - - - Can't you at least make these short ones rhyme? Just for me? C'moooooooon, you can do it! :D *Nag nag nag*

[she is what I would find myself wrapped up in
when I wake up in the morning,] - - - I don't think you need the "up" in "wrapped up in", it unnecessarily extends the rhythm of the line.

As for the rest of "Blanket", you do a good job of keeping a more-or-less regular rhythm throughout—but the last two lines really don't belong in that poem. They have a totally different mood and dynamic to them: they are literal, while the rest of the poem is metaphorical. It's a jarring ending. (You need to become disenchanted with those, by the way. xD)

Well, it was certainly an interesting read. Now, if only it rhymed and/or had a more regular rhythmic structure. ;D

CV
8/8/2013 c1 1millynnbb
[Tone] The change from beautiful love to heartbreak is captivating, and you executed it pretty well. When I first started reading the poem, I thought it would be one of the cliché love poems, but this isn't. The last stanza confused me a bit, though, because at first I thought they were back together again, but they aren't. Or are they? It really complex to me.

[Word choice] I really love your choice of words in the fourth stanza. They blended very well. I don't like "devilishly handsome stranger," because I think that it's already known who they are, and it gets confusing there.

[Other] I dislike the "1/2/3" order you put it in, because that seems to diminish the flow between the stanzas. But it was easy to know what was happening.

[Flow] I don't like how one stanza is only two lines long, while the two longest stanzas are ten lines long. It's jarring to the flow of the poem, and I think that could be improved on.

I did enjoy this piece very much, and I hope to read more of your poetry. Great job!
3/13/2013 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
1.
I’m not sure I like the use of ‘1/2/3’ I think I would prefer roman numerals. It would look better. I really liked the use of ‘breeze’ and ‘hot asphalt’ the first image of breeze made me think of cold air but then you couple it with hot which adds a nice parallel. I can’t help but think there is foreshadowing in that use of ‘breeze’ though. “And she believed as well as I that it would always be perfect” I don’t know if I like this statement or not, it feels kind of cliché-ish. I think you could easily reword this and make it more your own and fit better with the strength of the opening.

2.
“She was the storm’s blue eye” OMG LOVEEEE that. I love the idea of the storms eye itself because it’s constantly moving; it makes me think of wandering eyes, as the old saying goes. I like the blue aspect of that, blue can symbolize purity but also sadness. I also liked how you mirrored the girl and the elements, not just the rain but *her* rain. I also like the used of ‘fled inland’ that is a very strong conclusion to the stanza and sets up nicely with the following.

3.
“I called her the brightest star” makes me think of Keats :) I loved the opening imagery of this one, but I do think the conclusion wasn’t as strong. You set up a lot with “sleep beneath her” (loved the subtle sexuality with that BTW) but I think “in a language on one else would…” doesn’t do much for me.

4.
I had trouble getting into this section. It seemed a bit out of place with the rest of the piece. It works, but it feels different than the rest of the work…

5.
This one was much stronger. “She chased me as far as she could” – I like the imagery of the chase/having fled i.e. the hunt, the flirtation, the connection, and the separation. I can see you begin to weave the threads of the poem together here.

6.
It’s interesting how you bring up god here, the whole piece is rather supernatural in origin but I’m not sure that a specific deity works in the context of the work. A suggestion would be to change it to ‘creator’ as in, “what kind of creator lives here…” just a thought though.

7.
LOVE IT. That is all.

8.
I like the subtly of this one two. The voice is more subdued, more ‘human’ more out of tune with the climax of the relationship that is presented in the hurricane. I get the sense that this represents the beginning ‘crush’ phase.

9.
I didn’t really like ‘devilishly handsome stranger’ I think the poem has already established who they are and the above statement diminishes that image.

10.
I liked how you concluded with a blending of the two themes of storms and failed relationships together here. “She is what I would find myself wrapped up in…” very lush, very concise. The whole piece is executed nicely. Keep up the good work.

Much love,
Juliet.
3/13/2013 c1 12ahorizonforthenewbirds
This is an amazing poem.

Constructive Criticism:
You ended all the stanzas with a period except 2 and 5. I think you should change that for the consistency; I don't know if it was intended or a typo. The line "kept up late by the desire to see the world become silent" could be split into two, which would make the flow nicer. The word 'up' is a bit redundant as well. "that their owners would have preferred to remain shut." - again, 'that' is redundant. I think if this line was split after 'preferred' would draw attention to the last three words and make it more powerful.

Positive Criticism:
I love the way the poem starts with innocent love and moves to hearbreak, while lightly foreshadowing along the way. The 3, 4, and 6 stanzas are my favourite. The imagery is carefully chosen to reflect the story within the poem. Comparing the girl to a hurricane is my favourite one - it is a thing of beauty, yet also of terrible power. I loved the ending. It's beautiful and ends the poem with feels of loss, regret, and sadness. I like how the poem isn't clear-cut, but the reader is left with enough room to make it their own.

Overall, it's a wonderful poem. I enjoyed it very much, and I don't have a lot of criticism - perhaps look it over once more to remove any redundancies and to make it flow easier.

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