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for Like I Did Yesterday

3/31/2013 c1 54Nausikaa
I really liked this. I wasn't sure I was going to at first, because I thought at first it was going to be about poor Jess's heartbreak and how they'd had this amazing relationship and now it was over... since, for some reason, when people write about relationships between men, there seems to be an overwhelming tendency to write this super amazing perfect relationships with no problems whatsoever... In comparison, Jess and Jude's relationship feels incredibly real, and I by the time I finished the story I had a big amount of sympathy for both of the characters.

I thought the opening was quite creative. It's almost meta. The idea that as a writer, Jess can 'rewrite' how things have turned out between them. In retrospect, it also fits in perfectly with the idea of Jess as an obsessive, controlling person.

I wasn't so keen on this line here: "(Jude was first on Jess's speed dial, which was good, because Jess couldn't remember anyone's number)" Because of the brackets, it almost feels like an author's note, like you're adding in something you forgot to add into the prose. This is just a tiny thing, but it drew me out of the story slightly. I'd perhaps try to incorporate it into the story more.

I thought you did Jess's anger issues very realistically. It might be nice to see him getting angry in the present, since I thought the breakup would bring that side of him out. (Maybe when he drops his phone towards the beginning?)

My main bit of critique for you is that that occasionally we feel distant from the characters. The line above is a good example of this. The story is much better when you hug close to Jess's perspective, but sometimes you slip into this kind of thing; " After a few months, though, they started fighting a lot. It was over a lot of different things. Jess didn't like it when Jude was even with other people for a few minutes, he had the tendency to forget to eat, and he couldn't sleep without Jude." It's very, Jude says this to Jess, and Jess does this to Jude. My advice to you is to get into Jess's head a little bit more, and remember this is HIS story you're trying to tell.

In comparison, sections like the ending where you're right in Jess's head are awesome. This line I really like: "He was a fucking wrecking ball, he broke people, he fucking broke them inside until they couldn't do anything anymore but end it." And the ending is beautifully tragic. A very nice way to wrap up the ending.

Overall, I really liked this story! A little bit of tweaking, and you could make it fab-u-lous. Hopefully this review was helpful for you.

3/18/2013 c1 2Mia52
This was just a great piece to read. I don't normally go looking for anything angsty to read, but this really pulled me in and I just had to finish it.

I like how in the beginning, the reader is shown that Jess was an normal young man dealing with heartbreak. I will admit in the beginning that I was blaming Jude for abandoning him for whatever reason it was. But as the story gained more depth, I was able to see that it was Jess who was to blame and not Jude and... I don't know, I just like how you pulled that off. It was a great read.

There was one thing that I didn't particularly care too much for and that was how you transitioned into a flashback. I don't know, I just feel like that you could done a better job on actually working into it. Sometimes, it felt forced or it just popped up out of nowhere or something.

Other than that, this was a great piece and I think you did an exceptional job at it.
3/16/2013 c1 1I caught myself
Okay so normally i dont read much angsty stuff but i really enjoyed this piece.

The start really drew me in, which is really good considering i dont get interested in a lot of stories by the beginning. I felt like i just HAD to keep going until i reached the end. I liked it a lot.

Thanks for sharing it. (Sorry, not to great at reviews but i guess what im trying to say was it was Great! hehe)

3/12/2013 c1 11flashangel
That was really good. For the most part, i understood the plot. There were no grammatical mistakes i could find.
3/6/2013 c1 2Zachary Fice
I like the development of the character Jess. At first, he feels like a fairly ordinary young man going through heartbreak, and the reader instantly sympathizes with him, perhaps even going so far as to blame Jude for abandoning him in the state he's in. Over the course of the piece, though, you add depth to their story, filling us in on the fuller picture, and the closing line, although a hard pill to swallow, feels justified.

I didn't like some of the transitions between flashbacks and the present, specifically when Jess cuts into the flashback before it finishes. Most of the time the interruptions feel unnecessary and cut up the flow of the piece as a whole.
3/5/2013 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
I really liked the humanity in this. I could see and easily understand Jude watching the video tape of the former birthday, and the way the mom reacted uncomfortable to Jesse’s remark that he would marry Jude. Not only did that feel very natural but it also worked really well on the page. I could clearly see that image and the essence of it mirroring real life was really well done.

I did find it a bit jumbled in the beginning and hard to keep track of who was specifically narrating any given scene. I think part of that issue is that we literally start without a lot of introduction or back story and work your way forward from that. I also think it was slightly confusing in the beginning to distinguish between Jesse/Jude because their names are so similar when being read. Nothing was overwhelming or anything, just a few things I noticed. As the story progressed I had no problems. Keep up the good work.

Much love,
3/5/2013 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
[So basically he was massively obsessive.]

I don't think you need this line because the paragraph before it pretty much shows that Jess is becoming obsessive over Jude. Putting this in here makes it feel like you're beating the reader over the head with the information.

[You wanted to know when I would break, did you not? ]

"Didn't you?" 'Did you not' sounds a little stiff and too formal compared to the rest of their dialogue.

I really like how you develop this relationship between Jess and Jude. At first you make it sound like they're still together and we don't even know about the break-up or argument. Then you go back in time and show us how things started from the beginning with the camera, which I think is a really effective device to use in order to make the flash backs not seem out of place or coming out of nowhere. Plus there is a lot of character development between the two characters, and the characterization is done really well to where they each seem to be their own unique person. I also like how it's not until near the end that the reader finally understands Jess and Jude aren't still together, and it makes a lot more sense that Jude isn't answering his phone. The way you tie it back to the beginning makes everything feel like it comes around full circle, so I like that use of the "I don't love you."

One suggestion I have is to maybe go a little more into the part where Jude "saved" Jess from murdering more animals. Where was Jess, and why was he so upset this time? I think developing that scene will help flesh out the beginnings of their relationship a bit more, especially if Jude risked something in order to help him. I think it has the potential to make their break-up leave that much more of an impact.

Overall I really liked this. Good job!
3/5/2013 c1 14Shampoo Suicide
You can really feel Jess's desperation and despair throughout this piece, the tone was very real and handled nicely. I like the series of calls, as he goes from pleading to reminiscing to the lie at the end. The last line seems almost vengeful, as if he's trying to hurt Jude as well as protect his feelings. The context of the story, however, allows the reader to understand Jess is just trying to help Jude further distance himself from him, because he's a wrecking ball-a beautiful line by the way. Which reminds me, I love the backstory of Jess's institutionalization and anger. Through placing him in this setting in which he's hurting, you make him relatable and sympathetic even with all of his issues. Finally, I love the way you structured the story, "from the beginning", allowing us to glimpse their relationship in distinct periods of time and watch it grow.

My only very minor suggestion would be to move even in this sentence (Jess didn't like it when Jude was even with other people for a few minutes) to after for.
3/4/2013 c1 19Anihyr Moonstar
[...and he decided he was going to write a poem about it when he was done rewriting Jude's last line.] Really like this line. Very poetic and touching.

This story as a whole was definitely depressing. I think my favorite scene is that first flashback where Jude 'proposes' as a kid. It's adorable and hilarious and the highlight of the piece since it got me smiling and was so well put together. In contrast with the growing darkness of the rest of it, I feel like it stands out even more and makes the pain of the story as a whole that much sharper to bear.

I actually admire Jess for his decision in the end. It caught me by surprise, to see him say it, but I have to say, nearing the end of the story, I was just thinking to myself, "Jude really is better off without Jess..." Jess is a sympathetic character because he gets to tell his story from his perspective, but he also clearly still has major issues to work out that shouldn't be all thrown on one person's shoulders. I just...it was impressive, and sad, to see him take that step to try to protect Jude from himself.

- Moonstar

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