for Sephira4/7/2013 c2 Stardrag
I thought this was an okay chapter. It's just that I'm not getting a feel for the characters, yet since we're still in that mysterious phase of the story, where nothing is really revealed yet-well, I shouldn't say that. Caspian cares about Alice or at least takes some kind of orders from her. Spells have to be prepared, or at least the stronger ones do as sigils, right? Depends on what they do, lol, I guess?
Onto the third chapter...with some damn answers!
Hopefully.
I thought this was an okay chapter. It's just that I'm not getting a feel for the characters, yet since we're still in that mysterious phase of the story, where nothing is really revealed yet-well, I shouldn't say that. Caspian cares about Alice or at least takes some kind of orders from her. Spells have to be prepared, or at least the stronger ones do as sigils, right? Depends on what they do, lol, I guess?
Onto the third chapter...with some damn answers!
Hopefully.
3/30/2013 c1 Stardrag
Very confusing so far, but also intriguing. I liked the obvious notes to the fusion of old and modern worlds-iPhone in one hand and sword in the other. Though I am wondering right now if the katana has some sort of meaning, or you picked that type of sword because of its bad-ass reputation. Regardless, I can't wait to see what else it can do, seeing as it is linked to some kind of magic.
Also, I think I'll like Caspar. He has no qualms about killing.
Corrections:
-approached the man sat at his piano stall: maybe saying "sitting" instead of sat or "the man who sat? or even remained, but that's the only thing that caught my eye.
-
To the next chapter!
Very confusing so far, but also intriguing. I liked the obvious notes to the fusion of old and modern worlds-iPhone in one hand and sword in the other. Though I am wondering right now if the katana has some sort of meaning, or you picked that type of sword because of its bad-ass reputation. Regardless, I can't wait to see what else it can do, seeing as it is linked to some kind of magic.
Also, I think I'll like Caspar. He has no qualms about killing.
Corrections:
-approached the man sat at his piano stall: maybe saying "sitting" instead of sat or "the man who sat? or even remained, but that's the only thing that caught my eye.
-
To the next chapter!
3/25/2013 c4 
13Revamp
I finally got around to this chapter, and the whole backstory of it is quite interesting. I look forward to what lies ahead for Pandora and Caspian.
13RevampI finally got around to this chapter, and the whole backstory of it is quite interesting. I look forward to what lies ahead for Pandora and Caspian.
3/22/2013 c1 8Kay Iscah
More than a little confusing. The decipitated corpse is going to guide him somewhere? I can accept this has some supernatural reasoning behind it (Caspian's blood has healing/controlling powers?)...but seems like it warrants a bit more description. Is the head talking without a body attached to it? Does the body reform? Regain the ability to move?
The logic may be explained later, but I want to cry foul over Caspian's poor interrogation techniques. He demands answers but never asks a question or give his victim a chance to respond to the threat, before doing something that would normally take away a person's ability to answer.
If the idea is that once dead the man falls under mistress death's influence, I think that could be made a little clearer.
[One hand clutched an iPhone, the other gripped the carved hilt of a katana.]
Was pretty funny though. Overall I thought the prose was crisp and until the last bit adequately descriptive. Decent pacing. Some minor grammar notes coming in PM, but nothing that was distracting.
8Kay IscahMore than a little confusing. The decipitated corpse is going to guide him somewhere? I can accept this has some supernatural reasoning behind it (Caspian's blood has healing/controlling powers?)...but seems like it warrants a bit more description. Is the head talking without a body attached to it? Does the body reform? Regain the ability to move?
The logic may be explained later, but I want to cry foul over Caspian's poor interrogation techniques. He demands answers but never asks a question or give his victim a chance to respond to the threat, before doing something that would normally take away a person's ability to answer.
If the idea is that once dead the man falls under mistress death's influence, I think that could be made a little clearer.
[One hand clutched an iPhone, the other gripped the carved hilt of a katana.]
Was pretty funny though. Overall I thought the prose was crisp and until the last bit adequately descriptive. Decent pacing. Some minor grammar notes coming in PM, but nothing that was distracting.
3/19/2013 c4 Link Roc
Lemurians, ancient magic, man being descended from another race of beings, 10 commandments...duuuude
The only thing that nags at me is the ending. Did we really need to see that again after earlier in the story? Just a small question, the rest of the stuff wasn't too shabby.
Lemurians, ancient magic, man being descended from another race of beings, 10 commandments...duuuude
The only thing that nags at me is the ending. Did we really need to see that again after earlier in the story? Just a small question, the rest of the stuff wasn't too shabby.
3/19/2013 c3 Link Roc
The only thing I have a problem here is the lack of detail with surroundings. I mean, with Pandora talking to her friend and everything, we get the general IDEA that she's in a park with a friend and what not, but what is the park like? There are readers who don't know the layout of the real life location, so we don't know what it's like. As far as anyone can tell, there's "a bench" and that's it. Is there any other specific markings or noticeable things in the general area around, so that it can paint a picture for the reader? Like, is there a statue or something?
I do that alot myself in my own stories, actually, so it stuck out at me. Other than that, it's an interesting chapter. Threw in The Ten Commandments, I did NOT see coming, so props to that.
The only thing I have a problem here is the lack of detail with surroundings. I mean, with Pandora talking to her friend and everything, we get the general IDEA that she's in a park with a friend and what not, but what is the park like? There are readers who don't know the layout of the real life location, so we don't know what it's like. As far as anyone can tell, there's "a bench" and that's it. Is there any other specific markings or noticeable things in the general area around, so that it can paint a picture for the reader? Like, is there a statue or something?
I do that alot myself in my own stories, actually, so it stuck out at me. Other than that, it's an interesting chapter. Threw in The Ten Commandments, I did NOT see coming, so props to that.
3/19/2013 c2 Link Roc
I feel bad for the older guy; he keeps getting stabbed again and again, even though he's already dead XD
Nice details with the sword fight. I've seen people, I try it myself, try and put details into how a fight like that goes. Some fail, some succeed, and I think you're one of the successful ones!
I feel bad for the older guy; he keeps getting stabbed again and again, even though he's already dead XD
Nice details with the sword fight. I've seen people, I try it myself, try and put details into how a fight like that goes. Some fail, some succeed, and I think you're one of the successful ones!
3/19/2013 c1 Link Roc
Alright, time to see what we got here!
First chapter, and not a LOT of details, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Good description of the characters, their actions (particularly with the blade and what not) and the ending bit with magic was interesting!
Alright, time to see what we got here!
First chapter, and not a LOT of details, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Good description of the characters, their actions (particularly with the blade and what not) and the ending bit with magic was interesting!
3/14/2013 c3 13Revamp
I was pleasently suprised with your update today. I love the build uo in this chapter, as well as the interesting characters. While not everything was explained some things were. I look forward to your next chapter.
13RevampI was pleasently suprised with your update today. I love the build uo in this chapter, as well as the interesting characters. While not everything was explained some things were. I look forward to your next chapter.
3/11/2013 c1 6Michodell
I liked your opening sentence. It gives us a sense of your poetic use of words as well as the location and the action of the intruder. I also like how you form your sentences and phrases. The descriptions are elegant.
By the same token, your descriptions can be a bit overdone. Try to make some of them more simplistic, concise. When you're creating an intense scene, sometimes using simpler, sharper words create a more defined emotion.
For example [The words were enunciated with the hallowed passage of time.] I feel that this description is not necessary and is a bit overdone for the scene.
Otherwise, it was well written. Good job!
6MichodellI liked your opening sentence. It gives us a sense of your poetic use of words as well as the location and the action of the intruder. I also like how you form your sentences and phrases. The descriptions are elegant.
By the same token, your descriptions can be a bit overdone. Try to make some of them more simplistic, concise. When you're creating an intense scene, sometimes using simpler, sharper words create a more defined emotion.
For example [The words were enunciated with the hallowed passage of time.] I feel that this description is not necessary and is a bit overdone for the scene.
Otherwise, it was well written. Good job!
3/11/2013 c1 19Anihyr Moonstar
I really like the overall atmosphere of this. Intense, eerie and dramatic with that neat twist between historic epic and modern action. This is intensified with classic quotes tossed into the mix. A very intriguing balance overall. A few little things about the writing itself...
[Cool green eyes wrapped in a cool green hooded sweatshirt perused the corridors.] When you say the eyes are wrapped in a hooded sweatshirt, the mental image I get is of disembodied eyes wrapped up in a sweatshirt. I know what you mean, obviously, but the way its worded doesn't create the image (to me) that you're shooting for - you might consider, "Cool green eyes ensconced beneath a..." or "Cool green eyes shadowed beneath a..." etc.. (You know, pick your own phrasing, obv, if you decide to re-word, but it does sound a little awkward the way it is.)
[Satisfied, it burrowed into his pocket.] Again with the odd wording - here it sounds like the iPhone has a life of its own and is burrowing its way into his pocket like a small rodent. I would clarify and make it so that "he" is tucking/burying/stuffing it into his pocket, not the iPhone itself performing the action.
And finally, some technical/grammar nitpicks:
["How…. Did you?" his voice was husky, but intelligible.] Ellipses always have three dots, for starters. Always. Second, should be: ["How...did you?"] Since it's still the same sentence, no need to split it up like that and capitalize any letters. Unless you *do* want them to be shown as two separate questions in which case it should look like this: ["How…? Did you...?"] Two incomplete questions. And you'll want to capitalize the 'h' in 'his' because it's not a dialogue tag in this case. (If it were a dialogue tag, you'd have it right, but "His voice was husky..." is a stand alone sentence.)
["What is… your…. name?"] Should be: ["What is…your…name?"] When it's all part of the same sentence, you don't need those spaces after the ellipses.
Sorry for all the detail stuff as far as corrections go. I know story comments are in the end more helpful than grammar comments, but apparently I'm feeling like a beta today.
Good work with this. :)
- Moonstar
19Anihyr MoonstarI really like the overall atmosphere of this. Intense, eerie and dramatic with that neat twist between historic epic and modern action. This is intensified with classic quotes tossed into the mix. A very intriguing balance overall. A few little things about the writing itself...
[Cool green eyes wrapped in a cool green hooded sweatshirt perused the corridors.] When you say the eyes are wrapped in a hooded sweatshirt, the mental image I get is of disembodied eyes wrapped up in a sweatshirt. I know what you mean, obviously, but the way its worded doesn't create the image (to me) that you're shooting for - you might consider, "Cool green eyes ensconced beneath a..." or "Cool green eyes shadowed beneath a..." etc.. (You know, pick your own phrasing, obv, if you decide to re-word, but it does sound a little awkward the way it is.)
[Satisfied, it burrowed into his pocket.] Again with the odd wording - here it sounds like the iPhone has a life of its own and is burrowing its way into his pocket like a small rodent. I would clarify and make it so that "he" is tucking/burying/stuffing it into his pocket, not the iPhone itself performing the action.
And finally, some technical/grammar nitpicks:
["How…. Did you?" his voice was husky, but intelligible.] Ellipses always have three dots, for starters. Always. Second, should be: ["How...did you?"] Since it's still the same sentence, no need to split it up like that and capitalize any letters. Unless you *do* want them to be shown as two separate questions in which case it should look like this: ["How…? Did you...?"] Two incomplete questions. And you'll want to capitalize the 'h' in 'his' because it's not a dialogue tag in this case. (If it were a dialogue tag, you'd have it right, but "His voice was husky..." is a stand alone sentence.)
["What is… your…. name?"] Should be: ["What is…your…name?"] When it's all part of the same sentence, you don't need those spaces after the ellipses.
Sorry for all the detail stuff as far as corrections go. I know story comments are in the end more helpful than grammar comments, but apparently I'm feeling like a beta today.
Good work with this. :)
- Moonstar
3/11/2013 c2 13Revamp
I really enjoy this story so far, and I'm looking forward to knowing moreabout Alice. Great job on a wonderful work so far.
13RevampI really enjoy this story so far, and I'm looking forward to knowing moreabout Alice. Great job on a wonderful work so far.
3/11/2013 c1 Revamp
I noticed you had a new story up, so I'll read this and your other at once. So far I like the premise to this one. It started off on a haunting note.
I noticed you had a new story up, so I'll read this and your other at once. So far I like the premise to this one. It started off on a haunting note.
3/11/2013 c1 4lookingwest
I liked the inclusion of the iPhone because I think it creates a unique atmosphere for the setting of this story. It's something I like to see to ground us and I like the blend of technology with older weapons, like katanas. Good mix. I was a little confused about what actually happened in this chapter, but I think you do a good job with the katana character and I liked the Hamlet reference because I thought it was clever. Also liked the piano. There were good moments of culture embedded into this.
4lookingwestI liked the inclusion of the iPhone because I think it creates a unique atmosphere for the setting of this story. It's something I like to see to ground us and I like the blend of technology with older weapons, like katanas. Good mix. I was a little confused about what actually happened in this chapter, but I think you do a good job with the katana character and I liked the Hamlet reference because I thought it was clever. Also liked the piano. There were good moments of culture embedded into this.
3/10/2013 c1 4Aspiemor
Wow. I wasn't sure if I would ever read anything from you ever again. But I am glad to see you back into the writing fold. This is short but it certainly left enough open in order to gain a brief view of the world. I see it is set in modern times but there is a fantasy aspect with a slight supernatural backdrop to it.
Just keep up the good work.
4AspiemorWow. I wasn't sure if I would ever read anything from you ever again. But I am glad to see you back into the writing fold. This is short but it certainly left enough open in order to gain a brief view of the world. I see it is set in modern times but there is a fantasy aspect with a slight supernatural backdrop to it.
Just keep up the good work.