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for The Queen of Spades

2/13/2014 c1 H-A-Cooke
[I just wanted to let you know, I featured your story on my profile - in the Fictionpress Reads section - for the month of January.]

1. The expression of grief is so poignant that I can feel the suffocating confusion (similar to loss I experienced in early college). The emotion immediately connects the reader to the Narrator.

2. Each character is given strong personality, even though not much is said. Your use of dialogue is well balanced for the scene.

REVISION SUGGESTIONS
[The sentence structure is kept as close to the original as poaaible. My change in all caps.]

1. "This girl, TOO, seemed younger than I'd last seen Juliet(COMMA) at eighteen-and-three-quarters."

the placement of 'too' at the beginning of the sentence stuck out to me, and felt awkward on the tounge.

Aside from that, your writing is impeccabke.

Kudos on a Wonderful First Chapter,

Hales (previously known as Fluer)
12/26/2013 c18 1Tony-Braun
I have been reading along with this story and finally decided to post a review after the 17th chapter in the series. This is by far one of the top 3 stories I have read on this site, and your imagery can also stand a fighting chance. Unfortunately, there is much more to a story than a good plot and some measly chapters, and quite frankly, I am hard to please. Your story is very well played out, but each chapter seems to be less planned as I read along, and each page is becoming shorter and shorter, as if you are trying to hide away all the information of your story to draw out more chapters. The amount of chapters is never important, and I'd rather wait for a long, drawn-out, methodically planned out chapter, than get a quick taste of the story. (An example is "Little House on the Prairie", a four chapter book where each chapter covers a year, but it keeps you wanting more every time you turn the page). I am surprised, however, how well your story is written and styled. The story plays along nicely, and your imagery makes me feel for each individual character; I hate Cooper, admire Lina, mourn Juliet, and empathize with Virgil. I hope you consider what I said, and I expect to see more, better chapters in the future.

Thank you for your time, Tony Braun.
12/19/2013 c28 RookieFangirl
Really good story overall! When is the next update, I need to know how this ends! Lol. This story really plays with my emotions and gets my heart racing. Good job!
7/30/2013 c1 3mango-fetish
Your fantastic summary drew me right in. Are you considering being an author? I think such a goal is not far from reach, here! I want to read more. This story is dark and a little bit creepy, which I know it what you're going for. It's very, very well-written, with hardly any grammar mistakes. (I'm guilty here.) Reading this was like reading a poem. Very well done! I only hope it will lighten up, but that's just me. I can't wait to read more from you!

Review exchange?
7/7/2013 c1 TheSecondSoprano
You write beautifully. This first chapter blew me away. Keep it up!
5/31/2013 c4 Stephanie
This is incredible! Please, don't stop writing.

Just one thing I wanted to mention - it probably is me being dim-witted, but I had been under the impression that Virgil was a girl until this chapter... oops.

But seriously this is remarkable, great great work.
5/21/2013 c3 colouredfrost
I'm in love and this is amazing. You could really get published, did you know that?
Wow. I'm sorry I can't say much other than that.
Just wow.
5/20/2013 c1 x4815162342
I'm enjoying this! As other reviewers have mentioned, the sort of dreamy atmosphere you create really makes it work. You've also done a great job giving a sense of who the characters are without resorting to physical description or long background paragraphs. One bit I especially loved was Willow's actions at the bar-finishing her drink quickly and then saying the line of dialogue. It really created the character for me.

My only critique is to be careful of overwriting. Sometimes you get carried away and the result takes your reader out of the narrative. "...that perfect white scythe of a sinning saint" did this for me; it feels deliberate and stilted.

Another instance of this is over-the-top imagery. Carolina with blood-covered hands and feet feels like a bit much. Running over rough ground might scratch her up, but in the dark, with the soles of her feet on the ground, Virgil et al wouldn't be able to see much-if anything, it would be dirt rather than blood.

Keeping things reined in a bit makes the rest of the poetic mood seem engaging rather than unbelievable.

Can't wait to read more! :)
4/3/2013 c2 7okunoin
And it just gets better! This line really stood out to me, 'that lovely giggly girl, who spun our common straw to gold.' That is just fantastic! I love how you use all of these creative techniques, like 'so sweet and silly and stubborn, settling on our skin' and ' slippery syllables lost in the stretching seconds.' two particular uses of sibilance that really help to create that soft/nostalgic feeling the piece has.
Have you ever read any work by Banana Yoshimoto? Your prose really reminds me of her style, it's introspective and reflective and dream-like and poetic. Keep writing :)
4/3/2013 c1 okunoin
Ah, it's wonderful :) Your prose is a brilliant balance of abstract and simple, and the piece is soaked with melancholy. Really spot on writing, and just enough description to bring the world to life, without bogging down the narrative. When I read it, I picture the scenes almost like a watercolour painting, that's the kind of imagery you evoke. Really well written!
3/17/2013 c1 2Little.D.526
My goodness, please do not ever stop writing.
3/17/2013 c1 36beautaliton
I love you and your stories from here to the moon and back about a million times. This seems like its going to turn out very tragic, and because your writings so poetic, it makes it worse! Great job!
samantha

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