for The Empty Knight and the Burning Princess4/17/2013 c1 
2Nelo Warrior
Overall an interesting story and a nice opening. I think there was one point somewhere in the second half where you write mean and I think you were going for meant. I tiny typo, so no big deal. It happens to all of us.
You keep the characters interesting. They could definitely need a bit of elaboration, which I'm sure is to come later on. I'm really wondering as to why Zeil is so strong since he was able to take on so many soldiers flawlessly. Nameless henchmen logic I suppose. They didn't even have name tags.
Some of the dialogue towards the end felt a tad forced and you quit clarifying who said what. You also stopped giving them any sort of facial expressions or pauses, or anything of that sort. It was only towards the end, but it just felt a tad rushed. I think a few small details added in towards the end would do wonders.
Anyways, for a fantasy style story with a princess and a knight this one does a good job of holding interest. I hope in later chapters to you start to really expand and elaborate on their world now that the two main characters have been introduced. Keep up the good work.
2Nelo WarriorOverall an interesting story and a nice opening. I think there was one point somewhere in the second half where you write mean and I think you were going for meant. I tiny typo, so no big deal. It happens to all of us.
You keep the characters interesting. They could definitely need a bit of elaboration, which I'm sure is to come later on. I'm really wondering as to why Zeil is so strong since he was able to take on so many soldiers flawlessly. Nameless henchmen logic I suppose. They didn't even have name tags.
Some of the dialogue towards the end felt a tad forced and you quit clarifying who said what. You also stopped giving them any sort of facial expressions or pauses, or anything of that sort. It was only towards the end, but it just felt a tad rushed. I think a few small details added in towards the end would do wonders.
Anyways, for a fantasy style story with a princess and a knight this one does a good job of holding interest. I hope in later chapters to you start to really expand and elaborate on their world now that the two main characters have been introduced. Keep up the good work.
4/7/2013 c2 Argentum Vir
Two things. One, that was an awesome battle! Two, I like the way you describe Zeil. Swordmasters are my favourite class in the Fire Emblem series.
To be honest, I think your action needs a little work. You describe too much in detail. I can see every action play out in my head, but that's not something you should strive for. I think you should tone that back a bit and let the action speak for itself. Leave more to the imagination. This way it speeds up the action at very little cost to the immersion factor.
When you have someone thinking something, I would never put it into quotations. You have it half-right in my opinion. Italicization is a much better way to convey private thoughts, but combining it with quotations makes it hard to follow at times. I also think that some of the words they say are a bit informal. I understand Zeil, but she's much too informal for a princess at times (thoughts don't count since it may be how she really is). I also think your action tags drag on a little too long at times. However, that may just a be a personal peeve I have.
-Nox
Two things. One, that was an awesome battle! Two, I like the way you describe Zeil. Swordmasters are my favourite class in the Fire Emblem series.
To be honest, I think your action needs a little work. You describe too much in detail. I can see every action play out in my head, but that's not something you should strive for. I think you should tone that back a bit and let the action speak for itself. Leave more to the imagination. This way it speeds up the action at very little cost to the immersion factor.
When you have someone thinking something, I would never put it into quotations. You have it half-right in my opinion. Italicization is a much better way to convey private thoughts, but combining it with quotations makes it hard to follow at times. I also think that some of the words they say are a bit informal. I understand Zeil, but she's much too informal for a princess at times (thoughts don't count since it may be how she really is). I also think your action tags drag on a little too long at times. However, that may just a be a personal peeve I have.
-Nox
4/6/2013 c1 Argentum Vir
Well, you've managed to pique my interest. I can definitely see the inspiration that the Fie Emblem series has had on this story. A gem that is important. A random merc/wanderer looking for a challenge. A princess dethroned trying to fight impossible odds and take it back. Even the names remind me of Path of Radiance and Radiant Dawn. Griel vs. Zeil. Alisa Crimtan vs. Elincia Crimea. Even Baldus reminds me of the Black Knight.
So far I have enjoyed your description. It's reminds me of my own style. A mainly dialogue driven story with detail scenery and quick paced action scenes. I noticed some areas you are redundant. This passage:
[Unlike the other rank-and-file soldiers, he had chain-mail armour while the rest were clad in leather, and he also had extra equipment in the form of a shield. There was, the young man noticed, a lion imprinted upon the shield.]
You repeat the subject of it. We know he has a shield, so there really isn't much reason to repeat it when talking about the decoration. Little things like this can make or break a chapter and I'll admit I have a problem with it as well.
You may also want to consider using more dialogue tags. The personalities are dissimilar enough to tell them apart, but I think it would definitely eliminate any possible confusion.
Other than that, I look forward to reading more, and I can't wait for the next fight!
Well, you've managed to pique my interest. I can definitely see the inspiration that the Fie Emblem series has had on this story. A gem that is important. A random merc/wanderer looking for a challenge. A princess dethroned trying to fight impossible odds and take it back. Even the names remind me of Path of Radiance and Radiant Dawn. Griel vs. Zeil. Alisa Crimtan vs. Elincia Crimea. Even Baldus reminds me of the Black Knight.
So far I have enjoyed your description. It's reminds me of my own style. A mainly dialogue driven story with detail scenery and quick paced action scenes. I noticed some areas you are redundant. This passage:
[Unlike the other rank-and-file soldiers, he had chain-mail armour while the rest were clad in leather, and he also had extra equipment in the form of a shield. There was, the young man noticed, a lion imprinted upon the shield.]
You repeat the subject of it. We know he has a shield, so there really isn't much reason to repeat it when talking about the decoration. Little things like this can make or break a chapter and I'll admit I have a problem with it as well.
You may also want to consider using more dialogue tags. The personalities are dissimilar enough to tell them apart, but I think it would definitely eliminate any possible confusion.
Other than that, I look forward to reading more, and I can't wait for the next fight!
4/4/2013 c4 Naho Yamauchi
Oh shit! I'm sorry if I haven't given a review at the last chapter, I was sort of busy "_
But, any who, good work at both chapters, author-san :D. Please do update more ;)
Oh shit! I'm sorry if I haven't given a review at the last chapter, I was sort of busy "_
But, any who, good work at both chapters, author-san :D. Please do update more ;)
3/25/2013 c2 Naho Yamauchi
Nice Chapter :) Now, I'm just curious what Zeil's true identity is...
Author-san, update quickly :D
Nice Chapter :) Now, I'm just curious what Zeil's true identity is...
Author-san, update quickly :D
3/24/2013 c2 1Ultimate Hipster Thanatos
I just noticed a couple of things...
In the parts where it says "I've foughtstrongerwarriors" and "The naive person wasme", you missed out on some spaces between words, but that's basically it. Probably something you overlooked when uploading the chapter, hm?
In any case, another brilliant one! Now I'm awfully curious about Zeil's past, too. And, of course, Alisa's. Why did she run away? What will Baldus do?! GOSH don't keep me waiting too long, mmkay?
(Also, would you mind if I sketched up some fanart for you? :") Thanks!)
1Ultimate Hipster ThanatosI just noticed a couple of things...
In the parts where it says "I've foughtstrongerwarriors" and "The naive person wasme", you missed out on some spaces between words, but that's basically it. Probably something you overlooked when uploading the chapter, hm?
In any case, another brilliant one! Now I'm awfully curious about Zeil's past, too. And, of course, Alisa's. Why did she run away? What will Baldus do?! GOSH don't keep me waiting too long, mmkay?
(Also, would you mind if I sketched up some fanart for you? :") Thanks!)
3/24/2013 c1 Ultimate Hipster Thanatos
I LOVE it. Amazing word choice and I can't find any grammatical errors! Instant love aaaaaaaaaaah! I DO hope you plan on giving more information regarding the kingdoms and the terminology, because I'm awfully interested. I love Alisa and Zeil already! (If anything happens to them I'll have you know I WILL sob.)
I LOVE it. Amazing word choice and I can't find any grammatical errors! Instant love aaaaaaaaaaah! I DO hope you plan on giving more information regarding the kingdoms and the terminology, because I'm awfully interested. I love Alisa and Zeil already! (If anything happens to them I'll have you know I WILL sob.)
3/22/2013 c1 4Princess Asaria
First, I love Zeil's personality...the kind that says "Ha. Conquering an entire kingdom? Should be fun."
Your humor is there, but it doesn't scream COMEDY in my face. Which works really well for your story! :)
So, a definite follow. I'm interested to see where this is going
4Princess AsariaFirst, I love Zeil's personality...the kind that says "Ha. Conquering an entire kingdom? Should be fun."
Your humor is there, but it doesn't scream COMEDY in my face. Which works really well for your story! :)
So, a definite follow. I'm interested to see where this is going
3/21/2013 c1 Naho Yamauchi
Interesting plot you got here, I can see that there is much potential in the story and your characters are staying true to their originality, author-san. Please update the new chapter quickly :)
Interesting plot you got here, I can see that there is much potential in the story and your characters are staying true to their originality, author-san. Please update the new chapter quickly :)
3/20/2013 c1 2tealandyellowbees
I really like the story so far, and love the main characters. Good job!
2tealandyellowbeesI really like the story so far, and love the main characters. Good job!