for Floating Into Silence8/20/2014 c3 
99Dreamers-Requiem
I can’t pinpoint exactly why, but some of this is just a tad confusing. You may want to just clean it up a little and make things a little clearer, especially towards the end with the “that it had not been the child.” The sentence just sounds a little awkward. I think the last bit in italics could be a little stronger, too. You don’t need it in italics, and you could just have “I knew one day he would kill me, but not today.” It’s shorter, snappier and a little easier to read. Other than that, you’re building up a really interesting story and I like the way you’re showing the difference between the brothers. Good stuff.
99Dreamers-RequiemI can’t pinpoint exactly why, but some of this is just a tad confusing. You may want to just clean it up a little and make things a little clearer, especially towards the end with the “that it had not been the child.” The sentence just sounds a little awkward. I think the last bit in italics could be a little stronger, too. You don’t need it in italics, and you could just have “I knew one day he would kill me, but not today.” It’s shorter, snappier and a little easier to read. Other than that, you’re building up a really interesting story and I like the way you’re showing the difference between the brothers. Good stuff.
10/2/2013 c2 Dreamers-Requiem
I think you’re using too much purple prose. That is, over the top words and descriptions. It detracts from the story and in places makes it a little confusing as to what’s going on. [returning in blood-spattered attire for the fourth night in succession.] too many sentences like this make it seem like you’ve picked up a thesaurus and are just grabbing whatever words look big. Like I said before, in many cases simplicity really is better. If it’s part of your style, keep in some of the lines but for the most part, you might want to consider shortening it or making it less over the top. In some cases, it also feels like you, as a writer, aren’t quite sure how to describe your characters. Using these over the top words can make it difficult to really picture them or what’s going on. Try to focus on making them come alive for us more rather than the words themselves. Good luck, and hope this helps.
I think you’re using too much purple prose. That is, over the top words and descriptions. It detracts from the story and in places makes it a little confusing as to what’s going on. [returning in blood-spattered attire for the fourth night in succession.] too many sentences like this make it seem like you’ve picked up a thesaurus and are just grabbing whatever words look big. Like I said before, in many cases simplicity really is better. If it’s part of your style, keep in some of the lines but for the most part, you might want to consider shortening it or making it less over the top. In some cases, it also feels like you, as a writer, aren’t quite sure how to describe your characters. Using these over the top words can make it difficult to really picture them or what’s going on. Try to focus on making them come alive for us more rather than the words themselves. Good luck, and hope this helps.
8/27/2013 c4 13Revamp
Another
wonderful update from you. It's been a while. Your new update really shows the progression of Salathiel's growing malice and his brother's fear. I wonder what your next installment has in store for me.
13RevampAnother
wonderful update from you. It's been a while. Your new update really shows the progression of Salathiel's growing malice and his brother's fear. I wonder what your next installment has in store for me.
5/5/2013 c1 99Dreamers-Requiem
Don’t rely too much on songs – it’s okay to reference them in the story itself, but if you’re trying to set a certain mood with it, it doesn’t work having it just listed at the top. I’d suggest scraping it; let the story speak for itself. I didn’t really get a clear idea, here, of what’s going on – I think there was too much over the top, purple prosy description, and it kind of took me out of the story in some places. [sways with languid steps within the mortal vapour.] Sometimes, simple is better. With this I wasn’t too sure what you were trying to convey with the ‘moral vapour’ line. [Dark coloured eyes are focused ahead as his silver-plated riding boots further reduce to pulp the deformed flesh beneath them.] Bit confusing. I assume you mean the flesh is being reduced to pulp but the sentence structure makes it seem like the boots are being reduced to pulp. Not sure how I feel about the overall layout, either. The long gaps, again, sort of jar me out of the story. Guess it depends what you’re going for. I think it’s an interesting start with a lot of potential, I just found myself getting a little lost in some places.
99Dreamers-RequiemDon’t rely too much on songs – it’s okay to reference them in the story itself, but if you’re trying to set a certain mood with it, it doesn’t work having it just listed at the top. I’d suggest scraping it; let the story speak for itself. I didn’t really get a clear idea, here, of what’s going on – I think there was too much over the top, purple prosy description, and it kind of took me out of the story in some places. [sways with languid steps within the mortal vapour.] Sometimes, simple is better. With this I wasn’t too sure what you were trying to convey with the ‘moral vapour’ line. [Dark coloured eyes are focused ahead as his silver-plated riding boots further reduce to pulp the deformed flesh beneath them.] Bit confusing. I assume you mean the flesh is being reduced to pulp but the sentence structure makes it seem like the boots are being reduced to pulp. Not sure how I feel about the overall layout, either. The long gaps, again, sort of jar me out of the story. Guess it depends what you’re going for. I think it’s an interesting start with a lot of potential, I just found myself getting a little lost in some places.
4/9/2013 c3 13Revamp
On the story, I loved this chapter. The length was fine, and I am notone to complain about that unless you go into the ten thousand word and above mark. I like lengthy chapters.
I like the definition between characters and how developed Enoch and Salathiel are. The scene with the child showed Salathiel's brutality and Enoch's humility.
The only thing I can think of for a critique is to use a bit more description on your characters as far as appearances go. At times I have a hard time picturing some of them in my mind.
Other than that, it's perfect. I look forward to your next installment.
13RevampOn the story, I loved this chapter. The length was fine, and I am notone to complain about that unless you go into the ten thousand word and above mark. I like lengthy chapters.
I like the definition between characters and how developed Enoch and Salathiel are. The scene with the child showed Salathiel's brutality and Enoch's humility.
The only thing I can think of for a critique is to use a bit more description on your characters as far as appearances go. At times I have a hard time picturing some of them in my mind.
Other than that, it's perfect. I look forward to your next installment.
4/9/2013 c2 Revamp
I am reviewing from a cell phone so pardon my misspellings and short review. Your descriptions are beautiful and I can clearly picture your surroundings in my head. I also loved the psychological aspect of Enoch and Salathiel's discussion of life and death. I am deeply interested in Salathiel's mindset and philosophies. Great chapter.
I am reviewing from a cell phone so pardon my misspellings and short review. Your descriptions are beautiful and I can clearly picture your surroundings in my head. I also loved the psychological aspect of Enoch and Salathiel's discussion of life and death. I am deeply interested in Salathiel's mindset and philosophies. Great chapter.
4/2/2013 c1 8Kay Iscah
Granted it depends on how descriptive you get, but if every chapter is going to be gory with sexual undertones, you might want to reclassify as M.
Ok, the biggest issue here is I have absolutely no idea what's going on. If you're going to go the stream of consciousness route, you should probably use longer chapters so your reader can cobble together some sort of narrative out of the various images.
At the moment, I have no sense of characters or setting or plot or anything really...other than that something violent is going on somewhere, and somewhere else, something else violent is going on (maybe) involving a twin. The sentences work independently, but they don't quite fit together.
You're trying to set mood with a song, which...I understand the impulse, but it probably should not be a main feature in your story because you don't have the songwriter's permission to use the song. It might be one thing if your character made a reference to it, but just sticking it up top is kind of cheating. And it won't help set the mood unless someone already knows the song or is willing to look it up like I did. (Yeah, I know I made a story sound track too, but I placed it outside the story as a bonus, not as something inside the story itself or vital to content.)
A few minor grammar issues. I'll PM those.
8Kay IscahGranted it depends on how descriptive you get, but if every chapter is going to be gory with sexual undertones, you might want to reclassify as M.
Ok, the biggest issue here is I have absolutely no idea what's going on. If you're going to go the stream of consciousness route, you should probably use longer chapters so your reader can cobble together some sort of narrative out of the various images.
At the moment, I have no sense of characters or setting or plot or anything really...other than that something violent is going on somewhere, and somewhere else, something else violent is going on (maybe) involving a twin. The sentences work independently, but they don't quite fit together.
You're trying to set mood with a song, which...I understand the impulse, but it probably should not be a main feature in your story because you don't have the songwriter's permission to use the song. It might be one thing if your character made a reference to it, but just sticking it up top is kind of cheating. And it won't help set the mood unless someone already knows the song or is willing to look it up like I did. (Yeah, I know I made a story sound track too, but I placed it outside the story as a bonus, not as something inside the story itself or vital to content.)
A few minor grammar issues. I'll PM those.
4/1/2013 c1 2Ghost Divsion
I like the description you give to the twin. It really helps us visualize him as a character and I'm excited to see how he develops as a character. For an intro/ opening chapter, I find it interesting that very little story points are given. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, just an interesting point to note. Grammar and spelling seem to be relatively fine. On a side note, you don't have to give the warning in the story itself if you give the story an M rating. This way people know what they're getting into before they read it.
2Ghost DivsionI like the description you give to the twin. It really helps us visualize him as a character and I'm excited to see how he develops as a character. For an intro/ opening chapter, I find it interesting that very little story points are given. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, just an interesting point to note. Grammar and spelling seem to be relatively fine. On a side note, you don't have to give the warning in the story itself if you give the story an M rating. This way people know what they're getting into before they read it.
4/1/2013 c1 5Whirlymerle
Hi there! Returning your review:
[Ashes from the fires fall from the sky like a bleeding dew] I like what you’re trying to do here, but I can’t really see the simile. Dew is clear and watery, and bleeding connotes redness or wetness. Ashes (to my understanding) are dry and gray, and I can’t imagine a situation where ashes would be red or wet.
[the flesh beneath it clings to the rubber, detaching from the bone with a slicked sound lubricated by blood and innards.] This is one of my favorite images in your piece, I think. It’s fantastically horrifying—great writing!
I found it really jarring that you have an author’s note in the middle of your story. To be honest, I think it’s unprofessional. Readers who do decide this piece is too much for their delicate sensibilities would feel cheated that you made them read the beginning when it’s not really their type of story. For me and readers who don’t care, you’re effectively pulling me out of you’re writing, and I have to re-concentrate to get back into it. I would strongly recommend that you put it in the top of the chapter, or, if you want readers to get a taste of your writing, at the end of this chapter.
[Fluid against tissue like ruby adorned diadems of enamelled gold] I’m not sure if diadem is an apt metaphor here. Also, isn’t the narrator’s skin ebony? How does that resemble enameled gold? Or am I misreading something?
Personally, I think that oftentimes, less is more when it comes to adjective/adverb use. There were some really great images/metaphors in this piece, but you throw in so much that the whole piece becomes unnecessarily wordy and difficult to follow (I had to read the ruby diadem line three times before I got it). Also, the simple sentence has the potential to be far more powerful than the complicated one, because they can imply multiple things and make the reader feel the writing.
That’s why I think your narrative voice comes through in the simple one line paragraphs best. I loved “he my sibling,” “he my twin;” I thought those were extremely powerful.
Nice work,
Merle
5WhirlymerleHi there! Returning your review:
[Ashes from the fires fall from the sky like a bleeding dew] I like what you’re trying to do here, but I can’t really see the simile. Dew is clear and watery, and bleeding connotes redness or wetness. Ashes (to my understanding) are dry and gray, and I can’t imagine a situation where ashes would be red or wet.
[the flesh beneath it clings to the rubber, detaching from the bone with a slicked sound lubricated by blood and innards.] This is one of my favorite images in your piece, I think. It’s fantastically horrifying—great writing!
I found it really jarring that you have an author’s note in the middle of your story. To be honest, I think it’s unprofessional. Readers who do decide this piece is too much for their delicate sensibilities would feel cheated that you made them read the beginning when it’s not really their type of story. For me and readers who don’t care, you’re effectively pulling me out of you’re writing, and I have to re-concentrate to get back into it. I would strongly recommend that you put it in the top of the chapter, or, if you want readers to get a taste of your writing, at the end of this chapter.
[Fluid against tissue like ruby adorned diadems of enamelled gold] I’m not sure if diadem is an apt metaphor here. Also, isn’t the narrator’s skin ebony? How does that resemble enameled gold? Or am I misreading something?
Personally, I think that oftentimes, less is more when it comes to adjective/adverb use. There were some really great images/metaphors in this piece, but you throw in so much that the whole piece becomes unnecessarily wordy and difficult to follow (I had to read the ruby diadem line three times before I got it). Also, the simple sentence has the potential to be far more powerful than the complicated one, because they can imply multiple things and make the reader feel the writing.
That’s why I think your narrative voice comes through in the simple one line paragraphs best. I loved “he my sibling,” “he my twin;” I thought those were extremely powerful.
Nice work,
Merle
3/26/2013 c2 3Sekhmib
Ooh... Bond is turning out amazing. I'm a little confused by Salatheil. Is he bad or good? I'm unsure. I laughed at how innocent Enoch seems. I can't wait for more!
3SekhmibOoh... Bond is turning out amazing. I'm a little confused by Salatheil. Is he bad or good? I'm unsure. I laughed at how innocent Enoch seems. I can't wait for more!
3/26/2013 c1 Sekhmib
Ooh... I like it so far. It's intense and really draws me in. The first page is great.
Ooh... I like it so far. It's intense and really draws me in. The first page is great.
3/25/2013 c1 13Revamp
I am definitely going to add this to my favorites list. Thank you for the help on Toxic Butterflies. I actually thought I fixed the tense issue but I guess I had not. It will be fixed when I get home after work.
So far, I love the dark premise of your story. Your writing is beautiful and descriptive. I love how haunting it starts ofg and the imagery is clear in my mind. Your character is mysterious and this leaves me wondering about the potential this story holds.
13RevampI am definitely going to add this to my favorites list. Thank you for the help on Toxic Butterflies. I actually thought I fixed the tense issue but I guess I had not. It will be fixed when I get home after work.
So far, I love the dark premise of your story. Your writing is beautiful and descriptive. I love how haunting it starts ofg and the imagery is clear in my mind. Your character is mysterious and this leaves me wondering about the potential this story holds.