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4/13/2013 c2 Gorilla0132
this is actually for chapter one:
["Only fools fall for conjurors tricks,"] i would maybe change this to "Only fools fall for a conjuror's tricks," it has the same effect you were originally going for and it flows a little cleaner.
[The world was his school, and this was his chance to learn from it. ] i really like this quote it captured the heart of what every child thinks of the world.
i think it's ironic how Phillip is so curious and headfast that he actually goes out looking for strangers to collect info from. he comes off as a rather troublesome and carefree lad, i must say.
[ "Gyl! We wanv my woyne!" ] damn bro your so drunk even your dialog is hard to read XD
i don't know if i missed it or not but i think you should point out rather early how old Phillip is. to me he seems like a six year old, but i can't be certain
4/12/2013 c1 Gorilla0132
This is a really great start to what i hope will be an even greater story! it has a lot of potential. the characters are dynamic and vivid and your dialog and descriptions are very good. i can't wait to see what happens when the plot begins to unfold.
I'd really appreciate it if you could check out my own story and tell me what you think
4/11/2013 c2 Jordan
Very interesting! It'll be interesting to see how this non-theistic philosophy competes with the theistic one. The local lord seems to be permitting this philosophy to be taught - wonder how widespread it is, and if the lord is taking any heat over it.

Small typo in the next to last paragraph - "temp burglars" instead of "tempt burglars."
4/5/2013 c2 Marvelle Petit
We're still in exposition, but without any sort of driving force, I feel a little lost.

As for critiques, the same problems with the first apply here, the main being that the writing is too passive.
Some things I wish would have more elaboration like " Phillip listening intently and laying these ideas on his map of the world to see how they fit by his own observations." (What sort of observations? What has he experienced that warrants this being true, false, does he have a point, ect.)

I'm kind of curious what's going on at this point, but Phillip as a character doesn't engage me. It's already been almost 4K words and I've been told he's this and that, but I haven't been shown and thus he's not engaging me in his POV.
4/5/2013 c1 Marvelle Petit
Now that I'm at the end, it's interesting. Your imagery is nice. I'm going to give an honest critique of this.

I had trouble figuring out who the narrator is supposed to be, especially in the beginning. Naming Phillip in the beginning would help the reader realize whose point of view we are in. I also had problems with some lines with the traveler. "whose name never came up in their conversation. " Okay, so did you not give us their entire conversation, or was the boy not curious about his name; what exactly is your intention with that?

Your writing is also very passive. For instance, the first paragraph:
"A real sorceress?" the boy asked. He was(is) a shabby little stableboy with patched clothes and the smell of horses. but (why are his eyes being bright and curious contradicting his attire? I would cut this out.) His pale blue eyes were(are) bright and curious. (If you meant to imply he has intellect despite his homely appearance, I would use something other than "bright" which, coming after the color, implies that the brightness refers to the color his eyes and not bright as in intelligence.) He stood on the bottom rail of the thick wooden fence and leaned over the top for a better look at the resting traveler. (I like the description, but I need a little more to tell exactly where this traveler is resting. On the side of the road? Against the fence? Where is he that the boy has to lean over to look at him?) His hair was(is) dirty blonde in color, but he('s) as clean as a stableboy could be after his morning chores., which implied someone cared for him. (Someone must care for him.).

This paragraph also made me think that we're in the traveler's POV, but it seems to shift between them with every line? It's very confusing.

"The boy's name was Phillip, and Phillip grinned skeptically."" (I'm not sure why you feel the need to introduce his name right now. We're still in the same conversation as before, so how does the traveler know his name? Why would Phillip mention his own name? I would get rid of this and introduce the boy as Phillip from the start.

There are a couple of minor grammar mistakes as well like (He grasped the air like a sword hilt and slash(ED) it about.) and some stuff I would delete out like (He had a terrible memory for names but a great one for details., which bemused his father. (why does this matter right now in this scene?)

Overall, I would not have read past the first section if I was pleasure reading because it was confusing. I would rework the entire beginning part to make it clear to the audience. Phillip is cute, but I would like to see his imagination and curiosity engaged more with the traveler's story than hearing about that other race in the bar. Maybe along the walk he can ponder about things a little. Like, instead of telling us that he likes inspecting things, perhaps he sees something that catches his eye and devotes a sentence of thought to it. I mean, has has two hours at his disposal for thinking. It would be a good opportunity to do a little world building. And honestly, I am more interested in the traveler than Phillip at this point. The traveler has motivation (seeking out the sorceress) and Phillip is a boy playing around.

I am interested enough to read on, I'm not trying to give a negative review, and I apologize if it seems that way. I tried to give an honest critique of the work.
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