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7/12/2013 c4 43LuckycoolHawk9
I liked the way the chapter ended because it connected the last chapter's character to the rest of the story, It also brings about a great mystery of how Linza will react to him. I also liked how you show the backstory of Linza and Taja mother's death to the story because it shows how powerful people believe her to be. I also liked how you used the younger twins because it shows an interesting cast of characters, who still have potiental to grow. I await more.
7/10/2013 c5 9Highway Unicorn
I really liked your level of suspense in the top half of this chapter in regards to the Wyll (or the stranger from the POV of Taja and Jascha). It felt real, and I got very excited to read on what would happen and if the stranger posed threat to the two.

I also like Wyll's sly comments to Taja and how Jascha was briefly jealous/protective over it. It was funny, and I think Wyll is quite charming and maybe a bit of a player, but that only makes me more interested in him. He has personality. And that's always good. :D

I like the plot so far. I think it's coming along nicely, and I have yet to find myself confused. :D
7/9/2013 c4 4m. b. whitlock
I like the way you bring all the characters together in this chapter. The relationship between Rachelle and Linza is tender and believable. I think those scenes are very well done.

Here are a few notes:

"The night before she had tried to sleep, although the thought that her sister and Jascha were merely a few feet away in the loft forming a pair-bond kept her up despite her exhaustion."

This sentence runs on a ways. You might try a simple trim like: 'The night before she had tried to sleep, but knowing her sister and Jascha were merely a few feet away in the loft forming a pair-bond kept her up despite her exhaustion.'

I'd cut out 'In a way' from the part below:
"In a way Linza understood her father's words, although her grandmother had always told her that her sickness was caused by her true dragon form being reviled by her human shell. "

You make a switch here to Rachelle's POV which is a little confusing. Rachelle is dead so it's a bit jarring to go into her perception of things:

"The image was so startling to her that it caused her to drop her own logs from her hands. They clattered and crashed to the floor. She heard Linza moan, and saw her daughter twitch and curl up into a forlorn fetal position before releasing her clenched muscles and groaning again."

You could do everything in the section above from Linza's POV. She see blinding white, hears her mother's voice but can't respond, then darkness...

"She remembered nothing of what had happened."

This line does't work for me very well because Linza is remembering everything. We are experiencing the scenes through her memories, no?

Love Wyll's entrance at the end. Looking forward to reading more.


7/9/2013 c3 m. b. whitlock
Wylliam d'Arienzo is a wonderful character. I'm wondering, is it 'Arienzo' or 'Arenzo'? Wyll seems to be a troubadour/romantic poet type mixed with a sort of 'lost prince' 'enchanted knight' character. Very appealing. I also loved all the references to lost love and desire for female company that you interwove throughout the chapter.

Here are some line notes:

"his eyelashes had been so heavy in that instant that they felt like boulders stitched to the thin flesh of his eyelids. "

'boulders' really don't resemble eyelashes. Maybe try something else that's solid and heavy, 'his eyelashes seemed like heavy scythes stitched to the thin flesh of his eyelids'?

"As if unconsciously Wyll was reaching across time to recapture those forbidden moments before he became conscious again. His mind begging for more of himself like a man driven mad by an unbearable thirst that he could never quench."

Wyll's mental quest to rediscover his past doesn't seem 'unconscious' to me. You might want to consider consolidating the sentences above a little like this: 'Wyll was constantly reaching across time, trying to recapture the moments before the blackness. His mind begged for more answers. It was an unbearable thirst he could not quench.' :)

The female imagery was terrific! Wyll's longing is palpable. Really liked the scene with the nightingale. Also liked this part:

"His bare feet trampling the newly sprung wildflowers that littered the pathway like wide-eyed, expectant young girls."

and this:

"But the cloth was bare—almost as if it had once been a part of a blanket, or a woman's unfinished dress." Though I think you could tighten it a bit like 'The cloth was bare. Had it once been a part of a blanket, or a woman's unfinished dress?' He is asking himself these questions. It's not 'as if' he's asking them.

Love how it all culminates:

"The jewel looked feminine to him, and although he had no recollection of how he obtained it he had always entertained the notion that it had once belonged to a woman."

You could streamline the above part too. Just some trimming, 'The jewel looked feminine to him, though he had no recollection how he obtained it; he knew it had once belonged to a woman.'

I hope you don't mind all my suggestions. Your story is really good and I'm enjoying it a lot. Very cool stuff.


7/9/2013 c2 m. b. whitlock
This is a very vivid chapter with lots of powerful images. I particularly like this bit:

""My mother," Corinne went on, placing an aging hand against her arm in a gesture of loss, a position that always made the breath in Linza's throat seize up."

You use descriptions of physical movement well throughout this chapter. It gives your readers a tactile sense of the world of the story.

There are some parts I find confusing though. I'm a little unsure whether Corinne is the mother of the girls' father Marek, or their mother, or both. The connection between Corinne and the girls' mother seems so strong here:

""We are still not able to give birth as a normal human woman would. The pain…" emotion cut her voice off. "The alien quality of this flesh…"

"Like momma?" Linza muttered.

"Yes," Taja added, sensing the pain in both her sister and her grandmothers voices. "Like momma when I was born.""

I am guessing that all the members of the tribe are close cousins and they all used to be dragons. If this is the case I think that's fine. But I feel a little more information about how everyone is related might help. Are they all the descendants of dragons? Do all people come from dragons? Was there ever a time when people and dragons coexisted?

I don't think you have to answer all these questions in this installment. I just would like a little larger window. Mostly so I can get a sense of just how insular and incestuous this group is. Giving your readers more of a hold on this will provide a sounder emotional/psychological foundation for the relationships in your story. :)

Here are some line notes:

"If Marek hated Taja for being the cause of their mother's death than he felt shame and embarrassment over Linza and her condition."

You could smooth out the sentence above some. It doesn't quite make sense as it is. There are some very interesting ideas here and I get what you are trying to say. Maybe try something like: 'It was just as hard for Marek to hide the resentment he felt towards Taja for causing his wife's death as it was to conceal his shame and embarrassment over Linza's weakness.'

""I am gladdened that you were not harmed.""

I'd just go with 'I'm glad you were not harmed.' 'Gladdened' is a little weighty and unnecessary IMO.

"Corinne hated the thought for entering her mind when it did but she found herself unable to not voice it."

I'd pull back from the double negative in the sentence above. Perhaps something like : 'Corinne hated the thought when it entered her mind, but she was unable to resist voicing it.'

I really liked the scene between Jascha and Taja a lot. It seemed very human and believable and authentic. This part was particularly excellent:

'"Go to sleep little wife," he spoke gently, and even though knowing the dangers of it he stroked her hair again. "Sleep well, and dream of open skies."'

Really great ending. :)

Reading on.

7/9/2013 c5 2Indravyn
I like the introduction of Wylliam and the clear hostility between the two men. Jascha irritates me in this chapter because of his need to show possession of Taja, though I suppose she didn't make it any easier by just introducing herself as, well, herself. Linza really fell into the background of this chapter, I almost forgot she was there, but I can understand that. This chapter creates quite a stir with the desire to know just why he was able to cross through the forest unharmed and none of the other tribesman are able to. Does this have something to do with the fact that he isn't a dragon and the nymphs are there so the dragons may never leave?
Less run on sentences in here, though there are still some parts that need to be cleaned up and shortened, mainly in the beginning of the chapter. So far, I like where you are going with this and the fact that a clear plot hasn't yet been revealed though I can feel you building up to it.
7/9/2013 c4 Indravyn
Reading this chapter at times was difficult, there are a lot of run on sentences and added details or words that could easily be broken down into less complicated sentences. The flashback to Linza's first attack was also long winded, and at times a little tedious. My recommendation would be to go back through this chapter and clean up the run on sentences and the grammar as well.
The chapter itself though, added to the previous compare/contrast between the sisters quite well and added more mystery to Linza's condition. I do definitely wonder if her condition has to do with her dragon form rejecting the human shell she is in. Again, my curiosity is piqued about the wilder sister suddenly being tamed by the pair bond or if it is Linza who is really the wild one and Taja the tame one. This chapter brings a lot to the table. On to the next.
7/9/2013 c1 4m. b. whitlock
Faithless Juliet:

Great start to your story. Lots of suspense. You give your readers just enough information to get a sense of the world you are creating – flashes of what it looks like, bits of the inner lives of your characters – but you leave enough mystery to keep us wanting to find out more. Also, you don't slow down the plot with too much background and detail. I'm really enjoying it so far.

Here are a few notes:

I thought the dialogue throughout between Marek and Jascha was very good. I was able to learn a lot of exposition without any of it seeming forced or too contrived. :)

This part was especially well done:

""Marek," he began slowly, he was unnerved because he too felt the strangeness in the air, and it worried him. "If I am still alive after this deed is done, I would like to ask for your permission to pair-bond with your daughter…""

For the most part your language and writing style is trim and quick, but the action section below could be pared down a bit. You don't need the words 'began a strange dance'. We get that the movement is freaky and scary and bizarre.

"It jumped from one tree to another and began a strange dance of blurred movements until it pounced on Jascha."

I would recommend streamlining the sentence some by trying something like 'It's blurred movements jumped from tree to tree until it pounced on Jascha.'

Just a suggestion. :)


7/7/2013 c5 39Emerald Viper
Ah, good ol' fashioned xenophobia! Wyll just wants to make friends, and Jascha tries to kill him.

Jascha's characterization is good here, especially his possessiveness over his brand-new little wife.

I do have one criticism of your mousy female characters. If these women are the descendants of dragons, why are they such sissies? It just seems odd that they're waifish bystanders for this whole altercation.

Linza also seems tossed in the background fairly quickly as Taja arrives on the scene. Since she met with Wyll first, I almost think this whole scene would work better if Linza (the damaged child) was the one to stand up to Jascha and plead for Wyll's safety. From what you've given us of her past, it would surprise both Jascha and Taja to see Linza act forcefully, although I don't think it would be out of character. Linza also seems like a character who would most feel the need to escape from the village, because while Taja seems happy with her new marriage, Linza has been told that no one will ever want her. Obviously, this is your story, but don't start building a good character and then forget her!

Wyll passed through the forest without seeing ANY of these Nymphlings, which seem to be omnipresent? Weird.
7/7/2013 c4 Emerald Viper
This goes back to chapter two and also covers this chapter. I don't know about your decision to use the first names of the grandmother and the mother of the girls. Is it very important? If we are flashing back to Linza's childhood through her eys, it seems that “Rachelle” would just be “mother”. I also think that while Linza, Taja, and Jascha all have a certain feel (even Marek seems to work), the names Rachelle, Corinne (and “Old Ben”) mentioned in Chapter 1 confuse me. It's like having two characters named “Gunther” and “Olaf” in a village full of people with Italian names. The other names you've invented also feel much more “dragon-like”.

I have a lot of sympathy for Linza, who seems to deserve some happiness. She's bitter, which is understandable, but she's not whining, which is good.

I love that Wyll has just waltzed into town. I wonder if something is in store for Wyll and Linza?

The rest of your characters still lack some dimension, but I am getting a good feel for these two.
7/7/2013 c3 Emerald Viper
Enter Wyll. This is the most information you have given us about a character so far (appearance, motivations, etc.). Who is the main protagonist of this story? From description alone, I would think that Wyll is, although he does not come in until chapter three. If Taja is your main character, we really need to see her as vividly as we see Wyll - and preferably before she ends up in bed with Jascha.

There is some superfluous description in places and you use some combinations of adjectives that don't work very well – For Example: “ The etching coiled and roped long dead tissue”.

This chapter has noticeably less dialogue than either previous chapter – the fact that Wyll is alone forces you to show us what's going on, and I think that is why this is your only chapter (so far) which actually brings the reader into your world. We can see what the countryside around Wyll looks like, although your dragon tribe's village (so far) is pretty much a blank slate. If this chapter was where the story started, I would find myself drawn in much easier.

The part where you describe the castle he left behind is a bit awkward, but overall, it still works.

Well done.
7/7/2013 c2 Emerald Viper
First things first, how old are these girls? They seem about 10 – 12 years (too young to be married, even in a medieval world). If they are supposed to be older than that, you need to work on their dialogue and behavior.

The braiding is a cute detail, but we also don't know what they look like, which is something I personally feel that we need (especially since we are learning that their people used to be dragons).

You finally tell us that Taja has black hair at the same time you're describing the dragon of the prophesy, which I think is a little too much. Then you give descriptions of both of the girls about midway through the chapter, which I think we need earlier.

* Still not able to give birth normally? Okay, this is interesting but also confusing. High mortality rate amongst the tribe? Obviously there are several generations at this time. Taja blames herself for her mother dying in childbirth? I think I understand what you are doing here, but there is a lot of information dumped on us at once and it is somewhat confusing.

Linza has a seizure disorder of some kind? Interesting detail.

"Aye, cuts and bruises, but nothing more severe than that. As I said though, the Nymphlings were agitated. I fear they understood the way of our plan and sought to punish us for trying something so bold." (This brings me back to the confusion of the previous chapter. What's going on with the Nymphlings? How intelligent are they? What's the motivation here, because it sort of feels like there isn't any.)

The characters of your little family are all good, but because your girls seem so young, this whole social organization/breeding program you've established takes on a very sinister and creepy vibe. This may not be what you are after, but that's my reaction to it.

Jascha does seem very believable, however, as a teenage kid who just has a crush on a girl.
7/6/2013 c4 9Highway Unicorn
The only thing I dislike about this chapter is where [Linza was never sure if her mother passed before learning that the wailing baby she died delivering was another girl or not.] was placed. I felt that it would have been dramatic to have said the mother passed after this: [Taja was born less than a week later.] Because that way, the readers won't see it coming.

I liked the dialogue in this chapter, especially between Rachelle and Linza. I liked it because it felt natural, like what a young girl would actually say/ask to a mother during the time, and the mother's concern is touching. And it's sad that she couldn't do that much to help her daughter when she was twitching on the floor (because of being pregant and stuff.) ;-;

But overall, it was a good chapter.
7/6/2013 c3 1Hauviette
One thing I noticed about this chapter is that it was considerably shorter than the previous two I had read. The way you've written it, however, makes up for the length.

I loved how you started the beginning, and how you described the setting. It was all so real. It's a great improvement from the first and the second chapter and no doubt that's a good thing. I cannot really say this chapter was bad in any way, so excellent job :)
7/5/2013 c8 70Naver
Last chapter of my review of four... Here we go.

I love how they shrugged off how they treated Wyll before, maybe that is just how they are. I liked the song, that was a good touch. I'm tiring of Jascha but I guess his reactions are normal. It's good that Taja was understanding though I feel that will make the love triangle exist more. I didn't phrase that well. I like the development of Wyll and his actions. Your descriptions are great and again, I see you put forth lots of effort. I'm glad that you like your story, it's something to show. I still feel like it is lacking in originality and twist but it's good for someone into fantasy. Though, for someone not, terms and such or difficult. This isn't the story to show to someone wanting to join the genre but for someone that has always loved it, it should be alright.
Thanks for sharing.

-Conitnue to write.
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