Just In
for Black Ribbon

1/26/2014 c14 deadaccount2019
And Linza's potential starts to sprout. :D Although Olvea tells her she will help Taja, I still can't help feeling Linza is the one who'll actually fulfill the prophesy. Even before her exchange with Olvea, Linza has always seemed like the stronger, more capable character between her and Taja, so it almost feels like there's a setup taking place for an unsung hero theme being made.

While the gift of sight isn't all that surprising to pop up among once-dragons, I was a bit surprised that Olvea and Linza were able to communicate with one another. This is perhaps the most curios aspect of the chapter, because I can't help wondering if the last part is actually memory, or if Linza has spoken to a lingering ghost or spirit (the latter of which would make more sense, given there's never been mention of Sight or Linza in the past). This definitely hooked me in and made me want to continue.
1/25/2014 c16 12GossamerSilverglow
I like Jascha, specifically as a significant other for Taja, mainly because I want Wyll and Linza to be an item…if item pairing is to be happening, but I can’t say that I liked a chapter about him and the others. I’m just being stingy and want more of Linza, and Wyll by default, but I did like the mention of how Jascha thinks about Taja and becomes clumsy. It was cute and reiterates my desire for them to remain together.

It’s clear to see he has feelings for her, whether it’s love or infatuation remains to be seen. It seems like It started out as infatuation, but could be growing, right? This was a real short chapter. I’m curious about the ending. It was always in his veins? What was? It was always in his veins that he was to know the appearance of Wyll was going to change everything, or that everything ‘would’ change? This was an okay chapter, but I’ll be looking forward towards the focus being on Linza.
1/24/2014 c15 GossamerSilverglow
I love that Wyll compares Linza and Taja like a wild bird that can’t be caged. It’s really fitting for both of them. It made me think of Stupid Boy by Keith Urban…good song by the way. You have wonderful comparasions too. Linza’s a deep ocean, Taja’s a stormy fire. All I have to say (I won’t give this up), is that I hope Wyll likes to swim more than he likes to play with fire. *Chuckles*

I really enjoyed Linza and Wyll’s interaction and I’m glad he noticed her specialness. I do hope to see more of this type of thing in the future *hint, hint*. This was a little on the shorter side compared to the last chapter though. I think more conversations between the two will make him notice more and more things about her. I really do like Taja and Jascha together though, so I hope my predictions or rather, ‘hopes’ are accurate. *Puppy dog eyes*
1/24/2014 c14 GossamerSilverglow
The last chapter ended with them worrying about Linza, but this one says Corinne had been beside her the whole time. I’m slightly confused. I’m suddenly wondering if Taja is the savior because it’s Linza that finally breaks and her real powers explode. The only one that could save everyone and stop Linza (with everything she’s had to deal with) would be her sister, the person she loves most. Now that’s a really good plot. Could that be what’s going to happen? I always find myself speculating on your stuff. Your writing really gets my ideas flowing.

Linza’s dismissal of her own needs when she tells Corinne to see to Taja kind of made me hurt for her. It’s like a second nature for her to be less important even to her father if I remember correctly. At least her grandmother cares. Ooh. She’s changing. Something involving Wyll caused the change too. Hmm. The plot’s progressing wonderfully. Maybe all my guessing is wrong. Could Linza be Taja’s protector? Great chapter!
1/24/2014 c13 GossamerSilverglow
I haven’t read this in a while, but I remember the characters clearly. “The creatures’ tiny fists were clenched.” This line makes it sound irresistibly cute. Anyhow, I really hope something isn’t forming romantically between Wyll and Taja. Taja has someone else and I still feel that this story should be more focused on Taja’s sister. *Pouts* I like Taja okay, but the under dog in stories has always appealed to me.

I think it’s pretty curious that Taja figures out there’s something the matter with herself and the towns people who live with her for the Nymphlings to want them so much but not Wyll. Taja pulling away from Wyll really made me like her better. Not that I didn’t like her before, but she still doesn’t feel like the heroine of the story. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s going to go my way. Linza is still my favorite. I can’t be the only one to feel this way—I’m wondering if it was intentional to endear her to the readers so much or not. Am I though only one rooting for Linza to be the savior? Or maybe Taja’s the main savior, but Linza the savior in another way too. They are related after all. Both can be great.
1/23/2014 c13 20Ventracere
Once more, great descriptions that never fail to enrapture me into the setting. I just a have a little problem with the sentence structures that you have in the very beginning of the chapter and the last portions towards the end. For the most part, you are consistent with varying the length of your sentences, but in the opening and ending, there are some parts that are a little stilted because the sentences aren't varied.

"Wylliam's face skittered..." As much as I like the sound of this sentence, it is a little awkward. Perhaps you meant eyes? I don't know about you, but when I read this particular line, I may have imagined his face rolling across the forest floor...

Otherwise, as always, nice job!
1/19/2014 c14 13alltheeagles
For the RG EF (make up review)

I like how you describe such a common object as a mirror as something completely alien and new to Linza, so that we experience the discovery anew together with her. And then the mirror turns into some kind of magic mirror, which brings to mind again the question of who exactly Wylliam is.

I had thought at first that this story would be ALL about Taja (since it's indicated in the summary that she's the saviour of her people). I'm happy that it isn't, that Linza has her part to play too; she isn't just some side character who's there to provide some distraction from Taja's experiences. She is the wise woman to Taja's warrior, Merlin to Arthur. I like that. Saving the world is more likely a team effort than a one man show.
1/19/2014 c17 9crywolf-girl23
Finally we get to see a Taja-only point of view and especially on this particular moment. Although it wasn't much of a twist, as we had it coming from the summary, you build the tension to the big reveal very well. It was kinda creepy, in a good way, when you described the bones struggling to bust out her skin. *shivers* However the repeat of how much in pain she was, became tyiring after a while. We know the whole thing hurts her, you could focus on another part of the body in the mean time or use different ways to describe the pain, beside 'she was in pain'. /

The forest scene. It showed us how much restricted are these people by the Nyphlings and how badly Taja wanted to escape from all this. I think it was a really interesting thought that the creatures are trapped the way they are. It arises some pretty neat questions for further development. /

I'm not sure how to feel about the ending though. Why does she felt the need to hide the whole thing? There is finally proof that they could lift the curse. It sure leaves the readers craving for the next chapter, but it felt a bit off in terms of Taja's characterization. For what we have seen by know, at least her grandmother would undertand what Taja has to do (that's what I understood from their relationship I guess)./

Good luck with this story and keep writing!
Alex. /
(I'm sorry for the wait and if this review turned out a bit messed up together, please know it's from my phone as my internet connection just died this morning).
1/18/2014 c16 crywolf-girl23
Not much happening in this one, but it's nice to see Jascha's life doesn't revolve only around Taja. I'm curious about how much important the sword will be further in the story and what can he learn by duplicating it. Also (and I'm sorry this sounds weird) did they keep their dragon insides, even though they are in human form? Otherwise how did Antonius managed to keep the sword in his body (unless that was the 'wound' they spoke of in chapter 14)?

I had to admit that your descriptions are top notch, in terms of execution and imagery. The moment Jascha was working on the sword or when he turned around and [His face was a mirage of curves and shadows in the darkness] were really vivid images in my head. However I'm not sure about this sentence [His eyes burned amber while the belows...]-It reads a bit funny, like he could shoot flames from his eyes. That how it reads to me XD.

And the last one...
1/18/2014 c15 crywolf-girl23
I just love how the narrative shifts into a more poetic one when it's Wylliam's point of view. It ties back to his character, which is really interesting as people describe things differently from one another.

Also I liked his and Linza's interaction in the beginning of the chapter. You could feel the awkwardness in the air and my favorite part is when Linza storms out, here ["Yes I (would) like that. Be well." She turned like the snapping of a tree branch in a sudden wind and disappeared into the darkness of the village.]

Another interesting fact is that we finally know why Wylliam is so fascinated with Taja and they're valid ones. Nothing turns me off faster than bad written romance and thankfully this isn't the case. However I'm quite confused with his amnesia. Is it selective, as he seems to know the town but not his past? I agree that the dream scene was really well written and the whole atmosphere haunting. The part where he stood up with the help of the tombstone and the one where the female voice was calling him, had some amazing visuals. Well played!

1/18/2014 c14 crywolf-girl23
(Sorry it took me so long, but I wanted to catch up with the story. Story wise you have a really interesting concept and you manage to intrigue the readers with all the twists. However I feel your characters lack some depth. Except for Linza and Wylliam, who we can see their quirks and all that inner struggle makes them quite appealing, everyone else have pretty blank personalities. Maybe adding desires (a.k.a make them want something) to each character and individual quirks, can change the aimlessness? Just a thought.)

Anyway, onto the chapter.
Now I can say I'm hooked! Not only the description in this chapter is splendid, especially the ones about Linza's pain, but you also set up the some very interesting plot elements (the mirror and the whole 'you came from the future' thing was amazing).
I'm not sure I understood why Linza was saying Wylliam's name over and over again. It seemed a bit out of the blue (okay I admit she looks like she has some feelings for him, but nothing led to this point. I'm confused).
One last thing, sometimes I feel that your sentences drag a bit too long. Reading it out loud (or if you are uncomfortable doing so, you can whisper it) and rearranging some commas and full stops, will probably do the trick.

Alex ;)
1/16/2014 c3 2CTRL-Zed
Hello. I'm here from the Review Game.

Stuff I liked / general comments:
* Suddenly a new POV character! Wasn't expecting that. I'm very curious as to why he has absolutely no past, other than his name. And why is he traveling, and where to.

* I really like the writing style in this chapter. I like how it seems melancholy, which suits Wylliam's strange existence and the mystery around him.

* I wonder why Wylliam was found with a fiddle, a mirror, and an opal pendant. It seems like he played the fiddle in a previous life, but the other objects seem somewhat mysterious. I guess they'll be explained later.

* Also wondering how Wylliam is going to encounter the other characters we've already been introduced to. He seems completely different from the dragon people from earlier.

Quick spelling / grammar check. Use the advice as you wish:

[... and single name, Wylliam ... ] - missing "a" between "and" and "single".
1/16/2014 c2 CTRL-Zed
Hello. I'm here from the Review Game.

Stuff I liked about this chapter / general comments / criticisms:
* Ah, so the stuff about the tribes is explained. They're all the descendants of dragons forced into human form. Though why did the witch Elin curse the dragons?

* How exactly do you pronounce the dragon names? I want to read those E's with the carrot under them as non-syllabic E's. A pronunciation guide would be nice.

* Am I right in assuming that Corinne thinks Taja is the black dragon from the prophecy?

* What is up with Linza's condition? The chapter posits that it's due to her being a dragon forced into human form.

* How exactly are these dragon people born? It sounds like a painful ordeal.

* I find it interesting that the dragon people just arrange mating agreements, then have them pair up immediately. No courtship or anything. I find this refreshing.

* I especially liked Jascha's story about how he first saw Taja. It was a good way to show how brave (or foolish) Taja could be, and why Jascha admires her.

A quick spelling / grammar check. Use the advice as you wish:

[Taja smiled up encouragingly at her grandmother as she hurried to finish her sister's braid to better enjoy her grandmothers tale.] - "grandmothers" is missing an apostrophe.

["The wind," Corinne continued, making sure her granddaughters were ready for the story that she had told them all too often over the years. "Was as black as night and blotted out the sun for many days.] - I would suggest replacing the period with a comma here, since it's joining two parts of Corinne's speech.

[So many years have passed since then," Corinne added absently noting that she had seen over sixty winters and had never once been able to spread her wings like her ancestors had before her.] - I would suggest placing a comma between "added" and "absently" (or "absently" and "noting", depending on what word "absently" modifies").

[Sheyla Meydela, pure black," Corinne continued eyeing the tangled mass of Taja's black hair tied back with a thick ribbon.] - I would suggest placing a comma between "continued" and "eyeing".

["Wait!" Taja warned her sister, but Linza had already at the door when Marek entered.] - "had" should be "was".

[If Marek hated Taja for being the cause of their mother's death than he felt shame and embarrassment over Linza and her condition.] - "than" should be "then".

["How was the hunt tonight, Marek?" Corinne asked trying to deflect the awkwardness of her granddaughter's silences.] - I would suggest placing a comma after "asked". Also, "granddaughter's" should be "granddaughters'", since it refers to both of them.

["Was anyone hurt, Marek?" Corinne asked, trying to fill the silence as she and her granddaughter's sat down at the table.] - "granddaughter's" should be "granddaughters".

[Corinne realized too late how much emphases she put on the word 'your' and she lowered her head in anticipation of her son's anger.] - "emphases" should be "emphasis". "Emphases" is the plural form.
1/16/2014 c1 CTRL-Zed
Hello. I'm here from the Review Game.

Things I liked about this chapter:
* I love how I'm just dropped into this world. I have no idea what the Nymphlings are, or why they're terrorizing this village, but I enjoyed reading about how the villagers dealt with the assault. I have a feeling that explanations about the Nymphlings, the tribes mentioned by Jascha, and other things about the world will be filled in later.

* I also liked the interactions between Jascha and Marek in this chapter. I'm curious as to why Marek didn't expect to find partners for his daughters, and why he insists that Linza isn't available.

* The descriptions of the Nymphlings' movements during the attack scene. Mentioning that they hung on the trees like spiders was quite creepy.

Quick spelling / grammar check. Use the advice as you wish:

["Marek," he began slowly, he was unnerved because he too felt the strangeness in the air, and it worried him.] - maybe replace the comma after "slowly" with a semi-colon, or split into two sentences.

["Linza is not for bonding," Marek said flatly, his tone was curt.] - either delete "was", or replace the second comma with a semi-colon.
1/15/2014 c12 2Kicks-and-Giggles
Wow! Really vivid descriptions! I absolutely loved the 'dream'/flashback as Wylliam describes it. There are great metaphors in there: hair around her face like a storm-cloud surrounding a blinding sun was possibly my favorite. And the entire passage was just descriptive enough without getting to be boring.

I was a bit confused about the chronology of this chapter. I understood the beginning where he was remembering the graveyard and then when he woke up, but I got confused at the point where he was remembering (yes?) the women talking about Arienzo. And then the transition back to current time when he's watching Taja. Did I get that timing right or were the women talking in the present? If they were, why would they answer Wyll's question? I thought all the people hated him/were afraid of him after his 'performance' the previous night? P

In general, this is a very interesting story! I think the most capturing aspect of the story is definitely Wyll's amnesia and how no one knows where he's from. You really nailed that one with this chapter (ch. 12)! The second most interesting aspect is his relationship with Taja and why it is that they're drawn to each other even though Taja clearly cares for Jascha. Do they share some preordained destiny together or is it just that they bonded somehow?

Things that would make the story better are more distinct characters. In these five chapters, the only characters that I *really* got invested in were Wyll and Audra. Linza was also unique enough in her aspirations and her longing to find love like Taja that I wanted to know more about her, but the rest of the characters seemed somewhat typical. Not all characters in a story can be awesome and unique and instantly capturing, of course, but I would have liked it if Taja was a bit more unique (or just more obvious in her ease of charming the room, like Linza thought, or her unrestrained anger for her father). I think you've made it obvious what drives Wyll and Linza but not quite so much Taja.

Nice job! Can't wait to read more!
355 « Prev Page 1 2 3 4 5 12 .. Last Next »

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service