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1/15/2014 c11 2Kicks-and-Giggles
I really liked Jascha's description of his mother's death. The dialogue was very natural but poignant. A lot of times, when history is explained through character dialogue instead of narrative, it sounds scripted and melodramatic, but you certainly did not fall into that trap! However, I was hoping to get Taja's reaction to his speech, especially because he basically began with "I know what your dad must be going through." I wanted to know if she understood what he was saying or if she was still stubbornly mad at her father (possibly with good reason), etc. In general, the discussion jumped topics without resolving the previous one, and that just left me wondering what the characters were thinking.

I also liked how sweet and romantic the interaction was between Taja and Jascha. Their deep feelings for each other were very clear based on how easily they spoke to each other about bad memories from their past, their fears, etc, and how easily they comforted each other from these thoughts as well. One thing that broke that spell, however, was the fact that Taja went from thinking about Jascha one second to immediately thinking about Wyll the next. I'm guessing the jump was meant to be jarring, but it seemed to come out of the blue between: "she felt him sigh in his own dreams" (re: Jascha) and "she tried to keep the image of Wyll out of her mind". Maybe if it were phrased more like, "she felt him sigh in his dreams and tried to slip into her own, but could not get the image of Wyll out of her mind," that would just draw a bit more of a connection from one thought to the next.
1/15/2014 c10 Kicks-and-Giggles
I really like being able to get a bunch of people's perspectives on the same event, but the quick jump between POVs is a bit confusing. In this chapter particularly, there were times when I wasn't sure if Corrine was talking or if it was Linza. Another thing that confused me between the last two chapters and this one was Taja's relationship with her father. In ch. 8 (when you said that Taja didn't even have to look at her father to know he had silently told Jascha not to respond) and in ch. 9 (when Taja quickly excused herself from her conversation with Jascha as soon as Marek arrived), I got the sense that Taja was kind of afraid of her father, but you clarify in this chapter that she's more angry with him. Maybe that's because I haven't read the first 7 chapters? One thing that could improve such a 'relationship' reveal between two characters is explaining why Taja doesn't like her father. That would reveal more about both Taja and Marek.

I'm really liking your description of Audra: how you developed her interaction with Wyll in ch. 9 and then with Callum in this chapter. She sounds like a conniving, brazen hussy! P I feel like she's the most vibrant of your characters, at least from what I've read so far!
1/15/2014 c9 Kicks-and-Giggles
I liked the dialogue in this chapter-it was well-worded and not difficult to follow (in terms of who was saying what, as is often the case with a long bout of dialogue). One thing that could have made it better, though, was adding a bit more narrative just to explain what the characters were feeling as they said it. I know that's difficult to do with Marek since this chapter's in Jascha's POV, but even with Jashcha: was he sad that Marek was leaving? Was he worried for Taja because she may miss her father? Was he honored by what Marek was offering him and the trust he was placing in him? I think such narrative would help build stronger characters and particularly stronger relationship between the characters. It would make us care for them more. :)
1/15/2014 c8 Kicks-and-Giggles
I started reading at Chapter 8 because you requested as much in the Review Game, but now I'm interested in going back and reading from the beginning! Here's what I liked about your writing: the descriptions were rich and easy to understand while also being clever. Ex: "...not even a wind knocking a branch forward, or a doe grazing." I also liked how effortlessly you described Wyll's feelings towards Taja-I didn't have to read any of the previous chapters to know there is tension between these two characters. Finally, I liked how strongly Jascha's character, his brothers, and his relationship with Taja's father was described in just this one chapter. I get the sense that he's used to being a fighter/warrior of sorts, is that right?

What I felt you could improve on: there was a very abrupt change in POV before and after the ballad. Before, we were seeing the scene through Wyll's eyes and we switch to Taja's afterwards. I don't really have suggestions on how to improve that because, frankly, I do that a lot in my own writing and I can't figure out how to stop. There was also some disconnect in the narrative towards the middle: Wyll goes from playing his first song to *jumping* to thoughts about Taja and Jascha, then to noting that no one had clapped for his first song, back to thoughts about Taja, etc. Taja's narrative does the same, going from worrying about Wyll's song to assessing her family's reaction back to worrying about Wyll's song, then dealing with Jashca's reaction. I think the story would flow better if you could group those thoughts together. Ex: have Wyll remark about the room at large, then think about Taja right before starting his song, and have Taja worry a bunch, then assess her family's response, and subsequently try to calm Jascha down. Hope that makes sense.

Nice job!

1/12/2014 c14 2LightningBolt21
I do think the constant changing of POVs can be a bit jarring but you write it so well, I don't mind : )

What was the "buzzing"? Was she buzzing? How did she know that it kept Taja up all night as well? So from what I read, Linza is turning back into her "dragon" form I guess I could call it. All in all, this chapter was a bit slower. Maybe if I read the earlier chapters I might understand Linza better but from what I've read, she seems like a scared girl. All in all, great chapter, very well written. It left me with a LOT of questions which is good. You want to keep your reader curious.


{-the leather was cracked} remove the "was" there's no need for it.

{"...Linza?"} There's no need for the "..." part.

{still slightly dazed} Using the word "slightly takes away from the sentece. Words like "slightly" are "filler words" They don't add any real meaning to the sentence.
1/11/2014 c13 LightningBolt21

You have not seen her sense?"} Change "sense" to "since" {...You haven't seen her since?"}

{"Yes. Very Good."} Remove the first period. {"Yes, very good."}

Wow, this was a VERY long chapter. I've noticed that you diologe is a bit odd to read. Very proper. The scene between Taja and Wyilliam was very well written. It's clear that there is anger between the two of them, especially on Taja's part. Which leads the question, is Wyilliam a dragon in human form or a human?

I have to admit that I think this is the best chapter I've read of yours so far. Besides those two edits I pointed out, I saw nothing else.
1/11/2014 c12 20Ventracere
I loved the repetition of Wylliam repeating his name over and over and over again as if he is trying to find his sanity. The way you sometimes describe him makes me think more of an animalistic nature. But great ending, by the way. Keeps us on our toes, haha.

"He understood it but he could not..." I think there should be a comma between it and understood.
Stylistically, I think if you are going to italicize graveyard, you should also italicize "Yellow, and red, and violet," all of which are words that are coming to him mind afterwards.
1/11/2014 c11 Ventracere
I think it is a little difficult to grasp what is going on in the chapters sometimes. You subtly switch the POV from points to points between chapters, like the previous chapter was in Taja's POV (lightly speaking) and now it's from Jascha's POV and then switches back to Taja's POV in the middle. You do a good job with not melding the two voices together, and keeping them distinct, but sometimes it's a little difficult to grasp the motives and thoughts behind each character.

I like the way you continuously include Taja's conflicting thoughts of Wyll in her mind, as it keeps the plot fresh and curiously plodding along. Good job!
1/11/2014 c10 Ventracere
"Suddenly afraid that the rest of the villagers... through her ears." is a fragment. Perhaps include an action like Linza placed a hand over her head in a futile effort to calm it?

"The music was faster than it had been before, and louder..." Perhaps combine it into "The music was faster and louder than before..." It seems a little unnecessary to have "before, and louder," but that may be a personal preference.

Again, your descriptions of the surroundings are still amazing. It serves to give us a greater and better view of what is going on, the sounds, and the sights.
1/11/2014 c9 Ventracere
You have great characterization in this chapter. You do really well with bringing Jascha out to life as he contemplates the puzzle known as Wylliam. I also like Marek's portrayal as an older more sure-fire character that is like Jascha's mentor/rock. Both of these make Wylliam's more detached nature seem a little more alive.
My only problem was that at some points I had a little bit of a tough time following who was talking in the dialogue. Maybe that was just me, but I think you can make that a little more clear here.
1/11/2014 c8 Ventracere
I like the setting you've set up, the mysterious air that you have wound around the village. It melds really well with the imagery you have set up for the story. It gives the reader a little sense of foreboding, which I don't know if that was what you were aiming for, but it's a good thing.

One thing I think is a little off is a sense of detachment. Sometimes the emotion that Wylliam feels doesn't come through despite your descriptions. Perhaps tell us a little more on his thoughts, and describe his emotions a little more like you do with your setting and imagery.
1/10/2014 c12 2LightningBolt21
{When he pulled himself} I'd change it to "as" since you used the word "when" at the beginning of the chapter, so it was a bit jarring. {As he pulled himself up}

I think that whenever Wylliam thinks {Wylliam. My name is Wylliam} it should be in italics.

This chapter was very dark, well, had a dark mindset. Being in a graveyard. The scar on his chest bearing his name. Ow, that had to hurt. Your description was, once again, breathtaking. I could see everything very clearly.
1/10/2014 c11 LightningBolt21
Alright, I found it a bit odd that the village had never had twins being born. The sweet scene between Taja and Jascha was very well written. I could feel Jascha's fear of losing his wife, and the tenderness between them. They truly do love each other. It's sad that they've both lost their mothers.

I'm really interested in this "black dragon" that is supposed to save them. Very interesting...your writing is very elegant and easy to reading. You're overall concept is good. I love your description. It was a nice chapter, to get away from what happened in the previous chapter. Almost like a stolen moment in time.


{"Do you feel it in your bones sometimes?"} I'd change it to {"Don't you feel it in your bones sometimes?"} Or {"Do you ever feel it in your bones sometimes?"}

{Later in the night} Change it to {Later that night}
1/9/2014 c10 LightningBolt21
Alright, I read chapter 9 to try and get a feel for the story. From what I gathered this was a fairly intense chapter for the women, especially Linza. I could feel the fear she felt after hearing Wylliam mention, I guess her great-grandmother? Also I liked how Corrine remained fairly calm, not letting her fear get the better of her like Linza. In one chapter, I managed to see all the different personalities

{It was impossible to hide the quiver from Linza's voice.} Change "from" to "in" {It was impossible to hide the quiver in Linza's voice.}

{"Things will not be the same,"}This line just seems awkward to read. Maybe change it to {"Things are no longer the same,"} It has the same meaning just worded differently.

{Their expressions as different as the changing seasons.} I love what you're trying to say from this one line. Very powerful but the word "as" is drawing my eye away. Maybe try to re-write the sentence, re-word it. {Neither expression the same.} Sorry I couldn't give you a better example.
1/4/2014 c2 4Veronica Fay
Hi! I liked how the first chapter started off with action! It was a great opener that made me curious about the world these characters are. I also liked how we got to see different sides of Marek, when he was fighting, and then home with his family. I loved the prophecy! It was beautifully written! I like how smoothly and naturally you explained the backstory of what happened to these people! I'm interested in what may have happened to the other clans, and if the grandmother knows that Taja is the key! Great job :)

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