Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Black Ribbon

1/1/2014 c16 4lookingwest
"...Jascha had spent long years trying to duplicate it." In that sentence, I think you should get rid of "it" at the end - I don't think it makes sense to be there.

I actually feel that this chapter serves a few purposes that I'm liking. We're getting some foreshadow that the boys of the village might rise up against Wyll because they deem him an unknown, and then we're also getting the clear reveal that things are changing because Jascha can now breathe fire, or at least, he can sort of breathe some fire, but that's definitely a *big* change from when he couldn't previously, haha. So in that sense, I see the seeds this chapter is sowing for later developments and I like the purposes you've incorporated here. The fire breathing, especially. The imagery of that was really great and like I said, this story has always been very creative, and I can't wait to see how things turn out or how they're gaining some of their power back since Wyll has appeared. It also makes me worry though, that they might die because they still can't shape, so you did a great job raising a lot of questions with the stunner ending.

I also liked the incorporated myth/tale of the dragon that swallowed the sword - that had a whimsical quality to it but at the same time, given the context of your story, you know that it's probably true somehow. The sword itself was also another point of potential foreshadow. It's also great character development to see what Jascha does outside of his relationship with Taja, and I like how so far you've spent time rounding out more than just what appear to be your big MCs. I think this will definitely make the conflict that might arise later on much more engaging, since we're investing into almost everyone, which is good. Looking forward to more! Glad I'm caught up again :)
12/28/2013 c13 3Epic Myth
Epic Myth, RG, Multi-Easy Fix. The fifth one.

Alright, this is noticeably a longer chapter, in fact, double the length of the other chapters I've read so far. But that's fine because a lot of things happen here that I like, other than Taja and Wylliam being very friendly with each other.

First and foremost, I like how you cut from the previous chapter and right into the next. It's a pretty good technique if someone's flipping a page and see it takes off immediately. The Nymphling's are some frightening creatures and I love the way you described them without going about it wholly. It leaves a little for the imagination but I can get a sense of what they are... terrible creatures though.

Funny how seeing a comet made Taja assume she could just walk into the woods, but its sort of a shining beacon in other stories that hold significance. Like the comet in Avatar, how it empowered the dragons. In Game of Thrones, the comet was sort of a sign that meant multiple things to the characters, one including the rise of dragons. I am not sure what the comet means here in this story, but it must serve a purpose... unless you put it there for no reason.

Then that would be a waste.

Another thing I like is how Taja and Wylliam accused each other of lying and pressed each other for truth. Wylliam completely revealed himself, although he doesn't have any memory of what he was or is before the grave yard. So if Taja tells Jascha about it, I bet he'll come after Wylliam for more answers. The whole village already mistrusts him, and for good reason, he's a stranger and I can assume they haven't seen strangers in a while. It shows with Taja's grandmother scolding her. I found that scene pretty funny with Taja and Wylliam stumbling like two kids caught doing something bad.

The descriptions in between the dialogue was really good, and I can see their actions expressing their feelings along with how they reacted to each others words.

The only problem I have is that the chapter did feel a tad long. Maybe it's the pacing so some of the description could be cut down. It was pretty fast when the Nymphling came out... but then it slowed down.

That's all though, good stuff. You got a knack for creative, almost poetic descriptions that are really strong. Keep that going.
12/28/2013 c12 Epic Myth
Epic Myth, RG.

This was a stellar chapter, really, the best one I have read so far. I really like how you repeated Wylliam's name again and again, it sort of had a transcending feeling matching the tone of the chapter. This not only explained a lot more of Wylliam's presence, but it makes me wonder if he is a in league with evil forces and he doesn't know it. To wake up in a grave yard, he could have probably been dead once, revived again and given a purpose by the witch to enter the village, but for what, who knows. It also explains why he knows all those songs, and why the one he sang of the dragons was not in the best light of the village. But yes, the description used and the lines were very... mesmerizing and it really swept me up into the story. Your style and descriptions were awesome

[The curl of her long hair around a cheek like a storm cloud edging around a blinding sun] That is freaking amazing. I was at awe when I read it and I kept reading it over and over because it's really sensational. That there is where you shine, describing something as simple as a long hair and woman's face like that.

The ending was certainly a page turner because I don't really know what's in the woods that makes the village so frightful. Good stuff. I really like what you're doing here.
12/28/2013 c13 13alltheeagles
For the Review Game, Easy Fix

I like the interaction between Taja and Wyll at the edge of the wood with the nymphling, which made me think of some kind of bizarre tango/paso doble. It also introduces a plot point nicely that is quite significant for explaining Wyll's connection to the tribe, I think. Maybe he's the descendant of Antonius or something. But it still isn't completely clear if the nymphlings will attack him as long as he's touching a villager, or if it just applies to being able to see them.

I see the beginning of a triangle, or perhaps it's already full formed. I don't know if this is deliberate on your part, but well, triangles are not easy to write so that readers are really torn between one or two of the suitors. Usually you hate one and root for the other. I wonder how it'd be in this story.

Typo: it's 'unfaZed', I believe
12/28/2013 c9 2Jalux
I liike how you show Jascha's anger at the potential fraud being committed scaring Taja a little, once again showing us his flaws and making him seem more human. Despite that it's evident he wants to be a good person to Taja so it creates an interesting dynamic. I think the pacing was also solid this chapter, a good blend of plot and characterization making for a quick but enjoyable read. I'm interested to see what Jascha will do with this new power and whether his anger might cause him to misuse it. The relationship between Jascha and Marek is very brotherly-like. It feels as though Marek loves Jascha like a younger brother in some ways.
12/28/2013 c15 4lookingwest
Instead of Linza saying "I have many things to get to" maybe instead "I have many things to attend to"? "Attends to" feels like that more formal or classical voice you're going for in this novel, "get to" felt a little awkward in the dialogue. Anyway, that was the only moment in your dialogue or the writing of this chapter that felt slightly off to me, so I thought it might be worth just pointing out.

So, content wise. I loved the progress that we make in this chapter, and I found that progress regarding the larger plot as refreshing as the progress we make with Linza in the previous chapters. Though I felt the foreshadow right away that Wyll's mother might be the evil witch, I feel that it was more boldly revealed here, and I'm very interested to see what will happen to Wyll now that he might be somewhat aware of his past or that something terrible had happened. The last paragraph of this chapter was great. I love moments when your poetic voice shines through your writing, and this especially shone on the image "a sliver of a face" - I just loved that moment.

Wyll and Linza finally getting a chance to play off one another character-wise was also a good move, I feel. It was nice to see two people who have not yet interacted, but who the reader knows quite a bit about already. Linza's hesitance to engage anymore with Wyll was evident, but also fit her characterization up to this point. I like Wyll's confusion over whether or not she was Taja's younger or older sister - that was almost a cute shared moment between them that lightened the mood, even if it kind of threw Wyll off.

The dream sequence all together was haunting, and I like the incorporation of the graveyard setting. I thought you did a good job depicting the confusing emotions that can kind of overtake people in dreams, and the unexplained urges to do something without fully understanding why. It all had great flow!

And hey - cheer up about how well things are going with this! heh :) As someone who has read an entire novel of yours, I have to say that I've seen a lot of improvement in your writing this past year, and I think this story is one of the most original I've come across in awhile, concept-wise. Has to be the most original story with dragons, for sure! We even talked about it in the Review Game Off Topic the other night and discussed some of your themes because your story has made such an impression on some of us regulars! I think once you've got another full manuscript on your hands again, yes, there will be things to work with and revise, but that's the same for everyone, I feel. Keep your drive to finish as best you can! I truly look forward to more! :)
12/28/2013 c9 carlalegre
Hey. I'm here from the RG.
Firstly, you requested for something to be reviewed from the later chapters and since I haven't read any of your previous work, I will be posting a review as though this chapter is a singular work.
The only grammatical error I happened to come across was in the following sentence: "Marek you cannot know what it is [too] lose too much." That should be [to]. I know how easy it is to confuse these things and at times, even when uploading your document to Fictionpress, the formatting may get screwed up so… these things happen :)

Your characters are strong. They each have their own personalities and you managed to stick through with those through the entire chapter, which is quite refreshing. I especially love your writing style. It flows eloquently and the structure is done quite well. My only concern is that this chapter was very dialogue-heavy. Then again, I can't say much about that because I have yet to check out any other chapters. It is a very interesting story so I am considering reading it from the very first chapter once I get some time.
Lastly, I noticed that someone mentioned length being a problem for you. I actually don't see that at all. If a story is too short, there is not enough to write a review on. But if a story is too long, it is tempting for a reader to skim through it rather than waste time. I think you nailed it with this chapter. Plus, it also helps that the storyline is captivating on its own.
Good job :)
12/28/2013 c11 3Epic Myth
I like this chapter a whole lot! It not only characterized Jascha and Taja well, but it confirmed my beliefs and it explained their history a little better. The dialogue was very well done in my opinion, and even as long winded as Jascha's story was, it was a nice breakaway from the regular narration. I seriously heard Jascha talking about how he could feel what Taja's father felt when he opened up about his mother's death. That was a very touching moment that struck a powerful chord, easy to read and flowed quiet effortlessly.

Another thing I liked was how the village people yearn to be dragons again, and they have no idea of what to make of Wylliam. I hope he's not a secret dragon, that he's just a regular guy who might help them become dragons again later down the road. I like Jascha and Taja's relationship, although I am curious to see what draws Taja to Wylliam so much and what conflicts that might bring later on.

Awesome chapter. Reviewed for the RG.
12/28/2013 c10 Epic Myth
It's Epic Myth again, RG, Multi-Easy Fix.

I haven't started from Chapter 1, so I am not totally clear with what is the actual plot from the get-go. What I can figure out is that these village people used to be creatures of power until a witch turned them otherwise. I really like the idea behind that. Because their legion is different from where Wylliam comes from, and he doesn't have any idea what to make of them, they are highly suspicious of him and he has no idea why.

That is pretty cool, because if they ever do find a way to break the spell, Wylliam would be in for quite the surprise. I would certainly look forward to that.

As of now, these last three chapters surrounded Wylliam singing and while that is fine and dandy, it would be nice to move the plot further from here. The plot does come off as slow, but I am not one to talk, my story's plot is ridiculously slow too. What matters here are the characters and I am curious to see how a Taja's family would adjust to Jascha being the alpha. I'm guessing they grown used to doing whatever they want without being oppressed by a male figure.

I'm also curious of what sort of action happens in the story. If there's any danger or magic? I would like to see that.
12/28/2013 c9 Epic Myth
Epic Myth from the RG, trying my hand at Multi-Shot Easy Fix.

So here's something I don't like about this chapter. While the dialogue is alright, nothing special except for the portion about the second legion, which intrigued me a lot, the part replacing "said" was kind of distracting. Rule of thumb is to use "he said, she said," most of the time unless the quote warranted something better. But even then... ["he went on accusingly"] is not something you would regularly use. In fact, it's not something you should use from my experience... especially since its an action coming after a dialogue and feels slightly gaudy. "said" works better.

Something I did like was when Jascha coughed into his hand and breathed fire. That's a cool way to show off what these villagers could do. I'm guessing they are dragons turned humans and Wylliam doesn't know it.
12/28/2013 c8 Epic Myth
Shame I couldn't start from Chapter 1, but as requested, you wanted a review from chapter 8 and above. From the Review Game, Easy-Fix, Epic Myth is here, so hello!

First time reading this story, and this chapter impressed me right away with its beginning. I enjoyed the very first sentence very much, with colors of orange and topaz and dawn descending on the village. That was quite an image.

Another thing I enjoyed about this story was the details, how Wylliam bit into the bread and how you described it had my mouth watering. Moving on, those very same details told me well enough of our protagonists situation and how the village felt at odds with him.

He's a musician and he has his eyes out for Taja, although what he sees might not be what is truly happening. I can see the rivalry between him and Jascha, and mentioning how he already got punched by him spikes the tension well. From what I can get, he chose the song by pure luck, which I like and found funny compared to the reaction of everybody else.

The song was good, by the way, really well done on your part. If it's been tweaked and perfected, then this is good.

As for the chapter's conclusion, it isn't the strongest I have seen, but it does well enough as a page turner. Good stuff, Epic Myth out.
12/27/2013 c12 13alltheeagles
For the Review Game, Easy Fix

I like your descriptive imagery in this chapter, in particular the velveteen grass, thought / newly released bird, the curl of hair / storm cloud, the entire forest like a cage. They make this chapter very visual, very easy to 'see' in my head.

Plot-wise, nothing much happens except for the last 'teaser' which you are wont to do (and which is not a criticism since I do it myself quite often). That's alright, some chapters are mostly for supplying background. And I did learn a few things about Wylliam - what he was up to before he got to the village, that Arienzo is a place not his surname, that he has a scar on his chest. No doubt all these details will be of significance to the plot later.
12/27/2013 c8 2Jalux
I really enjoyed the scene Taja was listening to Wyallam's song, you really managed to show us the embarrassment she felt. I'm really starting to like the descriptive way you write, you really go in depth and describe everything which makes for an enjoyable read. The ending was good and ended on a high note and I like that because it does make me question what will happen next. Jascha strikes me as an interesting character, he's flawed because of his temper but tries his best to stop himself from losing it making him somewhat complex and believable as a person.
12/26/2013 c11 13alltheeagles
'Owed review' for the Review Game, Easy Fix

I like the closeness between Jascha and Taja, how they seem to be so compatible with each other. Their banter is playful yet comfortable in the way that established couples communicate. In the light of this closeness, Jascha's jealousy of Taja's interest in Wyll seems a little insecure of him.

I especially liked the dialogue about how he doesn't want to hurt her and lose her, with its reference to both of them losing their mothers during childbirth. I find it bittersweet and ironic, given that childbirth will almost certainly be the result if the intimacy goes any further.

However, I found 'her line (your line)' in the middle of Jascha's dialogue very strange. I've never seen a character speak in parentheses. Also, there is a mispelled 'Nymphthling' somewhere towards the end.
12/26/2013 c16 4Jitterbug Blues
The details were very vivid in this chapter: I liked how rich your prose was here, and I thought the focus on Jascha's family was a nice change of pace - I liked how you engaged our senses. Moreover, the focus on Jascha's family allows the reader to care about these characters more.

However, this seemed like a filler chapter. I liked it, but it didn't' do much plot-wise?
355 « Prev Page 1 .. 2 3 4 5 6 7 14 .. Last Next »

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service