for Revelations4/1/2013 c1 
99Dreamers-Requiem
I did feel a bit confused at first, with the [we were both 20-year old men.] followed by [She still wore pants]. I think with both parts, you could build up emotions/reactions. Especially his. I'm guessing he's always thought she was a he but turns out to be incorrect? I would have expected more...internal emotions with Bry. There's a lot of potential here, and I imagine it would be a key scene in the full length story. So, the best suggestion I would have is to expand it. With either one you decide to use, build on the emotions, show us - the readers - what each of the characters are feeling. When Bry spots her, does he notice anything else? Does he notice her going red? If you go with Emery's viewpoint, what's going through her mind? How does she think Bry will react? Is she scared? Embarrassed? Possibly, what small things do they notice at the time? Just a few suggestions, and, as always, hope it helps.
99Dreamers-RequiemI did feel a bit confused at first, with the [we were both 20-year old men.] followed by [She still wore pants]. I think with both parts, you could build up emotions/reactions. Especially his. I'm guessing he's always thought she was a he but turns out to be incorrect? I would have expected more...internal emotions with Bry. There's a lot of potential here, and I imagine it would be a key scene in the full length story. So, the best suggestion I would have is to expand it. With either one you decide to use, build on the emotions, show us - the readers - what each of the characters are feeling. When Bry spots her, does he notice anything else? Does he notice her going red? If you go with Emery's viewpoint, what's going through her mind? How does she think Bry will react? Is she scared? Embarrassed? Possibly, what small things do they notice at the time? Just a few suggestions, and, as always, hope it helps.