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4/6/2013 c1 5Starsinger1000
Hey, I love your writing style, I really do, it sounds very professional. I also liked that there are sort of "bits and pieces" of information missing and that you didn't make Etta the usual "perfect beauty" everyone expects the "undead" to be. I truly enjoyed it!
3/31/2013 c1 2spezria26
In all honesty, I'm not sure I understood that. To clarify, Etta was dead, killed the girls to make herself pretty, and then finally died?

Anyways, confusion aside, that was beautiful. That was truly a masterpiece. I loved it! The synopsis pulled me in, the plot got me addicted, and the cute idea that turned drastically awful was amazing! I loved the showing of character's and the fantastic description and regretful looking back. Ahh!
3/29/2013 c1 2ransu
General: Subtlety sometimes reduces the intensity of the story. It seems to me that you wrote something bigger, either on paper or in your mind, and then saved the pieces that were the most important. Each piece is great by itself, but the transition is lacking. Especially at the end, when Ms. Etta casually mentions that she's also Ms. Seven Days and Mike is just like, "Okay, I suddenly feel very sympathetic despite my initial dislike of you (in addition to the fact that you may have killed a girl I kind of liked)." (Oh, and how he easily accepted the supernatural *snaps* just like that).

Some extra bits:

I love that opening, and I said, "Oh cool, she's weird." - I generally like her as character, but that made me hate the environment that surrounded her. I'm running out of pities.

Was there was an actual joke in what she said? If there was, can you explain it?
3/29/2013 c1 54Nausikaa
Wow! I didn't see that one coming. I don't know if this is a newer story than your last one but this one seems to flow a bit better. It's very easy to get into as well.

I have just a few bits of constructive critique for you. ;)

I think you should possibly consider changing the name of your town. Fairhollow's a pretty cool name for a town, but you introduce the name right after talking about how everyone is uncomfortable around Etta because her name sounds old-fashioned. And then you reveal the town's name, which to me sounds quite old-fashioned itself.

I found the way Mike acts at the end a bit puzzling. All through the story he's been uncomfortable around Etta, and he's only just starting to warm to her when she reveals she's eaten these poor girls... and then next scene he's holding hands with her and he ends up telling her he loves her. I understand why you did it because it's a cool ending, but it doesn't feel realistic to me. It might help if you think about your own reaction if you found out something like that. I'd probably run for the hills!

Possibly, if these were truly nasty girls who bullied her, she might be more sympathetic. Or else if she was a carrion eater and she'd only eaten the girls, not killed them... still pretty icky, but I could probably roll with it.

Hope this was useful for you. I do think this one's got a lot of promise though. Etta is a very interesting character and I like how you characterised her and hints throughout about what she really is. I thought you managed to write the male POV very realistically as well- I know there's a good number of writers that struggle/and or avoid writing an opposite gender viewpoint.

Keep writing! :D

Nausikaa
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3/29/2013 c1 21Just Theo
What a twist! I feel sorry for Etta because she seems quite naive and innocent-the lack of social skills etc. What a twist though, never did I expect that. It's a great story

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