for paranoia3/31/2013 c1 True Talker
When I read this I think this - You DO DESERVE to be happy and to be safe ALWAYS. And you are BEYOND strong as in soul and spirit. This is what I think when I do read this. REALLY.
When I read this I think this - You DO DESERVE to be happy and to be safe ALWAYS. And you are BEYOND strong as in soul and spirit. This is what I think when I do read this. REALLY.
3/31/2013 c1 
1k+Faithless Juliet
You open this with a very strong sentiment on ‘what if’ and I think you do a good job at continuing that message and motif throughout the rest of the piece. I liked how natural the second stanza was: “not in this car/relaxed, driving down the street” it’s such a simple moment but in the context of the greater body of the piece I thought that it was nicely handled.
The third stanza that begins with “they know” was a nice follow up to the second stanza. Where the second stanza was more ‘me and my’ the third was more focused on how others saw the narrator, rather than the face that they would like to project onto the world. I didn’t care for the use of ‘drama queen’ I thought that it felt out of place.
I hate to say it but I thought that the perspective of the piece got a bit lost toward the middle. You mimicked what you did in stanza’s two and three with “& that scares me” and “& then I worry” but I thought that the effect wasn’t as strong as it could have been. I thought that it slowed the poem down rather than adding to it.
I think that the last half really encompassed the message that you were trying to get out, and it tied in well with your title. I liked the finality of “what am I not seeing?” because it apes the rest of the piece so precisely – the actions of the narrator and those around her *have* been evident, but she/they are choosing not to see it. “& when is it going to catch me?” Perfect way to end this, I got the sense that the rest of the poem was a wave lurking/ready to drown this girl but no matter what she does she can’t break free of its ominous shadow. A great read, keep up the good work.
Much love,
Juliet.
1k+Faithless JulietYou open this with a very strong sentiment on ‘what if’ and I think you do a good job at continuing that message and motif throughout the rest of the piece. I liked how natural the second stanza was: “not in this car/relaxed, driving down the street” it’s such a simple moment but in the context of the greater body of the piece I thought that it was nicely handled.
The third stanza that begins with “they know” was a nice follow up to the second stanza. Where the second stanza was more ‘me and my’ the third was more focused on how others saw the narrator, rather than the face that they would like to project onto the world. I didn’t care for the use of ‘drama queen’ I thought that it felt out of place.
I hate to say it but I thought that the perspective of the piece got a bit lost toward the middle. You mimicked what you did in stanza’s two and three with “& that scares me” and “& then I worry” but I thought that the effect wasn’t as strong as it could have been. I thought that it slowed the poem down rather than adding to it.
I think that the last half really encompassed the message that you were trying to get out, and it tied in well with your title. I liked the finality of “what am I not seeing?” because it apes the rest of the piece so precisely – the actions of the narrator and those around her *have* been evident, but she/they are choosing not to see it. “& when is it going to catch me?” Perfect way to end this, I got the sense that the rest of the poem was a wave lurking/ready to drown this girl but no matter what she does she can’t break free of its ominous shadow. A great read, keep up the good work.
Much love,
Juliet.