for Three Last Thoughts7/14/2013 c9 Guest
Seriously it's over? But we never figure out who killed Faye or why. Stories are supposed to have a rising action a climax and a falling action, you had the rising action, developed the closing action but then didn't continue. Don't take this as hate, I love your story, I want ti find out what happens!
Seriously it's over? But we never figure out who killed Faye or why. Stories are supposed to have a rising action a climax and a falling action, you had the rising action, developed the closing action but then didn't continue. Don't take this as hate, I love your story, I want ti find out what happens!
7/9/2013 c8 Kathy
Well i have to say as someone who has known you for almost 10 yrs This story is awesome and i would love to read the rest of it x
Well i have to say as someone who has known you for almost 10 yrs This story is awesome and i would love to read the rest of it x
6/19/2013 c8 LittleMissPrincess
I am terribly excited you're back, and have no idea why my hotmail filtered all my notification emails of your return as junk D:
I love this story, even though I haven't even read the end yet.
One thing I noticed though, in chapter eight you've written "There was a tone of finality in his voice, and Alice knew that the conversation was over". I assume, based on the Wonderland reference right after, that you'd changed the original name?
Other than that I didn't notice anything else that might need changing. :)
I am terribly excited you're back, and have no idea why my hotmail filtered all my notification emails of your return as junk D:
I love this story, even though I haven't even read the end yet.
One thing I noticed though, in chapter eight you've written "There was a tone of finality in his voice, and Alice knew that the conversation was over". I assume, based on the Wonderland reference right after, that you'd changed the original name?
Other than that I didn't notice anything else that might need changing. :)
6/13/2013 c7 
54Nausikaa
Grace's course of action is very logical here. You're slowly unravelling pieces of the puzzle and keeping our interest, which is great. A better chapter than some of the previous ones.
Now for the critique!
Personally I'm not keen on sentences like: "she screamed internally" The only places I've seen people talking about doing stuff 'internally' is on fanfiction dot net and Fifty Shades of Grey. It's really puzzling to picture. What does doing something 'internally' mean? It can't mean in her head, because it's really weird to imagine someone screaming in their head when someone comes to their door. I'm just nit-picking here, though.
I think Dr Myers attitude is a bit strange. As a funeral director, she's probably seen dozens of screaming crying girls in her parlour. So although I can't imagine she'd be pleased to see Grace again, I think she wouldn't react quite as strongly.
Also yes. I think you either need to introduce a new character as a mortician, or just have Dr Myers recounting to Grace a conversation she had with a mortician about the autopsy.
You need to think about your tone again. Newspaper reports from the start of the last century don't sound like the ones you've written. They're far too modern. However! Just as Grace does you can visit your local library to look at some old papers to use as a model. ;) Or possibly you'll find some on the internet.
I like how you've linked the events into the old folklore of the town. I have a suggestion. If the town is a small town probably there's quite a few people who remember the old folklore. You have Grace lie about it being a skipping song. Why not actually include that? You could also mention it in the newspaper report.
I liked how you had Grace stealing the book from the library. It shows the lengths she's willing to go to solve this crime- especially since she seems like a bit of a goody-goody.
Looking forward to finding out how you're going to conclude this. ;)
54NausikaaGrace's course of action is very logical here. You're slowly unravelling pieces of the puzzle and keeping our interest, which is great. A better chapter than some of the previous ones.
Now for the critique!
Personally I'm not keen on sentences like: "she screamed internally" The only places I've seen people talking about doing stuff 'internally' is on fanfiction dot net and Fifty Shades of Grey. It's really puzzling to picture. What does doing something 'internally' mean? It can't mean in her head, because it's really weird to imagine someone screaming in their head when someone comes to their door. I'm just nit-picking here, though.
I think Dr Myers attitude is a bit strange. As a funeral director, she's probably seen dozens of screaming crying girls in her parlour. So although I can't imagine she'd be pleased to see Grace again, I think she wouldn't react quite as strongly.
Also yes. I think you either need to introduce a new character as a mortician, or just have Dr Myers recounting to Grace a conversation she had with a mortician about the autopsy.
You need to think about your tone again. Newspaper reports from the start of the last century don't sound like the ones you've written. They're far too modern. However! Just as Grace does you can visit your local library to look at some old papers to use as a model. ;) Or possibly you'll find some on the internet.
I like how you've linked the events into the old folklore of the town. I have a suggestion. If the town is a small town probably there's quite a few people who remember the old folklore. You have Grace lie about it being a skipping song. Why not actually include that? You could also mention it in the newspaper report.
I liked how you had Grace stealing the book from the library. It shows the lengths she's willing to go to solve this crime- especially since she seems like a bit of a goody-goody.
Looking forward to finding out how you're going to conclude this. ;)
6/6/2013 c6 Nausikaa
I think it was perhaps Neil Gaiman that said dream sequences are incredibly difficult to do well. I know I try to avoid them. I think the problem is that because they're not real, we don't care about what happens in them. I tend to skim read them in fiction. They're especially annoying when they're just used to give over exposition. The one in this chapter is well written and I can see why you like it, but at the same time I'm not entirely sure it's necessary. I'm hesitating on this because you've hinted Grace has some kind of link to the supernatural and maybe you're going somewhere with this we don't know about yet. But be careful with them.
I like the snow, and the idea that because Faye has died the world has gone topsy turvy.
Grace needs more interaction with the outside world. What does she do apart from solving murders? She should be talking about this with her friends. And everything still feels too calm. You need to have this whole town going crazy because of these murders.
Not sure why Grace has set herself a time limit to solve the murders. Obviously on a narrative standpoint I understand, but her reasoning is...? I think she needs to find out a bit more before before she makes a decision like this.
I realise I've given you a lot of critique, but I think underneath the problems this has the promise of being a very good story. It's very easy to read and you manage to capture the reader's interest well. We definitely want to find out what happened to Faye! Be looking forward to the next one. ;)
Nausikaa
I think it was perhaps Neil Gaiman that said dream sequences are incredibly difficult to do well. I know I try to avoid them. I think the problem is that because they're not real, we don't care about what happens in them. I tend to skim read them in fiction. They're especially annoying when they're just used to give over exposition. The one in this chapter is well written and I can see why you like it, but at the same time I'm not entirely sure it's necessary. I'm hesitating on this because you've hinted Grace has some kind of link to the supernatural and maybe you're going somewhere with this we don't know about yet. But be careful with them.
I like the snow, and the idea that because Faye has died the world has gone topsy turvy.
Grace needs more interaction with the outside world. What does she do apart from solving murders? She should be talking about this with her friends. And everything still feels too calm. You need to have this whole town going crazy because of these murders.
Not sure why Grace has set herself a time limit to solve the murders. Obviously on a narrative standpoint I understand, but her reasoning is...? I think she needs to find out a bit more before before she makes a decision like this.
I realise I've given you a lot of critique, but I think underneath the problems this has the promise of being a very good story. It's very easy to read and you manage to capture the reader's interest well. We definitely want to find out what happened to Faye! Be looking forward to the next one. ;)
Nausikaa
6/6/2013 c5 Nausikaa
I have to say, your work has a great quality in that it's very easy to read and flows smoothly. That's something a lot of people struggle with.
I think you need to be careful with the conclusions Grace and the reporters are jumping to. I'm unsure why reporters are claiming police brutality at a school prom. It's not like it was a demonstration. It sounds more like the kind of of story papers churn out months after the event when they're still trying to get headlines out of an old story and getting a bit desperate. I think the papers would first jump to the idea of a school shooting, then perhaps terrorism. Modern Britain isn't the kind of place where police can get away with brutally butchering more than a dozen schoolkids (thank goodness!)
Unless this is some kind of dystopian Britain? Because I also wasn't sure why Grace tells her mother the police won't be able to do anything and that she has to lead the investigation herself. Does she have something against the police? Something that happened to her in the past? Otherwise I'd have her following the TV reports very closely and visiting the crime scene and pestering the officers first to find out what happened, and then, when she's figured out they're going in the wrong direction, realise she's going to have to do some research herself.
""STOP IT." It was half-sob, half-scream and all desperation. She fell silent." - again, be careful with the melodrama. ;) A little goes a long way.
I have to say, your work has a great quality in that it's very easy to read and flows smoothly. That's something a lot of people struggle with.
I think you need to be careful with the conclusions Grace and the reporters are jumping to. I'm unsure why reporters are claiming police brutality at a school prom. It's not like it was a demonstration. It sounds more like the kind of of story papers churn out months after the event when they're still trying to get headlines out of an old story and getting a bit desperate. I think the papers would first jump to the idea of a school shooting, then perhaps terrorism. Modern Britain isn't the kind of place where police can get away with brutally butchering more than a dozen schoolkids (thank goodness!)
Unless this is some kind of dystopian Britain? Because I also wasn't sure why Grace tells her mother the police won't be able to do anything and that she has to lead the investigation herself. Does she have something against the police? Something that happened to her in the past? Otherwise I'd have her following the TV reports very closely and visiting the crime scene and pestering the officers first to find out what happened, and then, when she's figured out they're going in the wrong direction, realise she's going to have to do some research herself.
""STOP IT." It was half-sob, half-scream and all desperation. She fell silent." - again, be careful with the melodrama. ;) A little goes a long way.
6/6/2013 c4 Nausikaa
I really liked the bit about the sleeping ghosts. Creepy and wonderful!
Again I think you need to turn the melodrama down just a notch. It's definitely evident this is an older piece of your work. It's a mistake a lot of newer writers make, myself included. We think that a dramatic scene is more powerful than something subtle and understated.
However I do like how you open with the mortician's point of view. And a great opening line. I've heard similiar things about morticians, that it's not really as depressing job as your assume since like anything, you can get used to it.
Could use a bit more editing, like I said with the last chapter. For example take this line: "Morticians are not often happy people. At least, that's what everyone thinks. They're certainly not expected to be, and if they were, a lot of grieving families would probably consider it insensitive. But consider it from the mortician's point of view. When one takes into account the fact that most of the time, they won't have known their clients during life, and probably won't have had any ties to them, it should become clear that they've no real reason to be depressed. It's just politeness. Respect for the dead." Think about what we actually need here. The first two lines are great, but I'd say you don't actually need any of the rest after that at all. I'd personally say something like "But personally, Andrea Myers enjoyed her job." and then go to how how she enjoys dressing the bodies, ect- which was a part I really liked. Just have another read through and think what's actually necessary.
I really liked the bit about the sleeping ghosts. Creepy and wonderful!
Again I think you need to turn the melodrama down just a notch. It's definitely evident this is an older piece of your work. It's a mistake a lot of newer writers make, myself included. We think that a dramatic scene is more powerful than something subtle and understated.
However I do like how you open with the mortician's point of view. And a great opening line. I've heard similiar things about morticians, that it's not really as depressing job as your assume since like anything, you can get used to it.
Could use a bit more editing, like I said with the last chapter. For example take this line: "Morticians are not often happy people. At least, that's what everyone thinks. They're certainly not expected to be, and if they were, a lot of grieving families would probably consider it insensitive. But consider it from the mortician's point of view. When one takes into account the fact that most of the time, they won't have known their clients during life, and probably won't have had any ties to them, it should become clear that they've no real reason to be depressed. It's just politeness. Respect for the dead." Think about what we actually need here. The first two lines are great, but I'd say you don't actually need any of the rest after that at all. I'd personally say something like "But personally, Andrea Myers enjoyed her job." and then go to how how she enjoys dressing the bodies, ect- which was a part I really liked. Just have another read through and think what's actually necessary.
6/5/2013 c3 Nausikaa
This chapter is better. :) I particularly like the stuff about her mother and her relationship with Faye. Also, you're good at ending lines.
I'm not about the article in the paper though. The paper says this is the day after the killings, but it's far too calm and collected for that. If I were you I'd look at newspaper reports from after school shootings and try to replicate one. I know that if 17 people died in my town all the headlines would look more like HORROR AT HIGH SCHOOL or TRAGIC DEATHS OF 17 STUDENTS IN HIGH SCHOOL TERROR. There wouldn't be any faffing about whether or not the prom was staffed- you might get that a few months later. But with that many deaths you'd get roads cordoned off and police everywhere and maybe even people being warned to stay in their houses in case the killers are still out there.
This chapter is better. :) I particularly like the stuff about her mother and her relationship with Faye. Also, you're good at ending lines.
I'm not about the article in the paper though. The paper says this is the day after the killings, but it's far too calm and collected for that. If I were you I'd look at newspaper reports from after school shootings and try to replicate one. I know that if 17 people died in my town all the headlines would look more like HORROR AT HIGH SCHOOL or TRAGIC DEATHS OF 17 STUDENTS IN HIGH SCHOOL TERROR. There wouldn't be any faffing about whether or not the prom was staffed- you might get that a few months later. But with that many deaths you'd get roads cordoned off and police everywhere and maybe even people being warned to stay in their houses in case the killers are still out there.
6/5/2013 c2 Nausikaa
My natural response to this chapter is that Grace's reaction is too strong. Unless perhaps Fae's predicted the future accurately in the past or Grace knows something she's not telling us in this chapter- in which case it's fine- I feel like she's overreacting. Everyone has feelings of dread sometimes - which are sometimes accurate, sometimes not- but we usually try to bury them if there's nothing we can do.
This line in particular: "Something was desperately wrong." seems a little overdramatic. Same with this one: "Everything fitted together in a neat jigsaw, but one that showed a horrific picture." I think this chapter could be just as powerful with Grace's anxiety gradually bubbling up, the overpowering feeling that something is wrong while she tries to convince herself that her sister has just stayed out late. You don't even need to have Grace clicked what's happened at the end of this chapter. Something like, "She went back to bed. Why did she worry herself so? After all, Faye would be perfectly fine," would pack its own ironic emotional punch.
But enough negative stuff! I found this chapter very easy to read. It flows very well. You establish who Grace is in relation to Faye very quickly, which was great. And I'm still interested to find out what actually happened, which of course is the main thing you're after. ;)
My natural response to this chapter is that Grace's reaction is too strong. Unless perhaps Fae's predicted the future accurately in the past or Grace knows something she's not telling us in this chapter- in which case it's fine- I feel like she's overreacting. Everyone has feelings of dread sometimes - which are sometimes accurate, sometimes not- but we usually try to bury them if there's nothing we can do.
This line in particular: "Something was desperately wrong." seems a little overdramatic. Same with this one: "Everything fitted together in a neat jigsaw, but one that showed a horrific picture." I think this chapter could be just as powerful with Grace's anxiety gradually bubbling up, the overpowering feeling that something is wrong while she tries to convince herself that her sister has just stayed out late. You don't even need to have Grace clicked what's happened at the end of this chapter. Something like, "She went back to bed. Why did she worry herself so? After all, Faye would be perfectly fine," would pack its own ironic emotional punch.
But enough negative stuff! I found this chapter very easy to read. It flows very well. You establish who Grace is in relation to Faye very quickly, which was great. And I'm still interested to find out what actually happened, which of course is the main thing you're after. ;)
6/5/2013 c1 Nausikaa
Hello! I took a break from FP for a while, but I'm back now. This is a very cool opening. Especially the first line, but I like how you loop back round and frame the whole thing at the end.
I personally am not a fan of putting extra thoughts in brackets (like you do in your third paragraph) - I think partly because it pulls slightly out of the story- especially when it interrupts a sentence. But something like that is just personal preference so go with it if you particularly like brackets.
You mention about blood dripping wetly from her head to the water, and that confused me a little bit since the picture I had of her is of Faye lying face down in the water. If her ears are underwater she probably won't hear anything but her heartbeat. Maybe you could say something about the strange feeling of congealed blood sliding down her scalp?
I think this a very good opening so I don't have much criticism for you. The only thing is that I think it's still perhaps slightly wooly and could use a tiny bit more editing to tighten it up. There's a lot of paragraphs and you're not conveying too much. This is a shocking scene and too many words ruins the emotional punch- it should be sharp and succinct.
Ending lines are fab.
Hello! I took a break from FP for a while, but I'm back now. This is a very cool opening. Especially the first line, but I like how you loop back round and frame the whole thing at the end.
I personally am not a fan of putting extra thoughts in brackets (like you do in your third paragraph) - I think partly because it pulls slightly out of the story- especially when it interrupts a sentence. But something like that is just personal preference so go with it if you particularly like brackets.
You mention about blood dripping wetly from her head to the water, and that confused me a little bit since the picture I had of her is of Faye lying face down in the water. If her ears are underwater she probably won't hear anything but her heartbeat. Maybe you could say something about the strange feeling of congealed blood sliding down her scalp?
I think this a very good opening so I don't have much criticism for you. The only thing is that I think it's still perhaps slightly wooly and could use a tiny bit more editing to tighten it up. There's a lot of paragraphs and you're not conveying too much. This is a shocking scene and too many words ruins the emotional punch- it should be sharp and succinct.
Ending lines are fab.
5/30/2013 c6 H. G. Milton
Hey, I've forgotten my FP password but I thought I'd finally get around to critiquing this for you :)
Firstly I like the overall tone- somber and serious without being unrelatable, with a touch of the creepy. The writing flows pretty well most of the time, however I think you tend to overuse parentheses, often to add in details that seem unnecessary and jarring, and some of the repetition ("She's dead", etc) seems more melodramatic than actually impactful.
Most of my issues with this story are typical first-draft problems rather than huge plotholes- Grace's lack of a life outside of her sister, for example. While Faye's death may be the main focus of the story, surely Grace has other things going on. Where are her friends, surely they'd come around to offer support, persuade her to get out of the house for a bit? Is she in college, does she have a job? We see that she's girly while Faye is more of a tomboy, but just expressing her style choices doesn't really give her much depth. The same goes for Faye and their parents, but I think as she's the main character it's more worrying that Grace doesn't have any of those things.
While I really like the sound of the mystery and am interested to find out what really happened at Faye's prom, I find it difficult to believe that Grace is the one taking the biggest concern in it. Her family don't seem to be grieving very much at all. I could understand a bereaved sister going on a mission to find the killer if there was a reason why the police weren't doing it- for example, if Faye was thought to have killed herself and the police just brushed it off as another teenage suicide, while Grace thought there was something else behind it. But as it is, there are 17 people dead, all killed (presumably) by the same thing. There is no way anybody is just going to brush that off. There would be police everywhere, news reports, excessive media coverage, all over the country at the very least (look at all the recent school shootings in the US- we hear all about those, and this would probably be treated the same way). The whole town would be falling to pieces. This isn't just Grace's family that has been affected, up to 16 other families have lost their children too, and that's not just going to be forgotten. The whole town would be talking about such a horrific tragedy, so giving Grace little to no interaction with the outside world just seems unrealistic and falls flat, as it could be so much more interesting, and we could learn more about her from her interactions with other people, which she hasn't had many of so far.
Another issue I take with this is the dream sequences, which I think in general are cliched and self-indulgent, the first one in particular seeming to serve as a way of showing what happened at the prom without giving us enough information to find out what actually did happen. However, as it's hinted that Grace has powers of premonition, I'll just see where you go with this, I guess it's not entirely unrealistic if the supernatural is involved.
Overall I like it and I'm interesting to see where it goes, I just think these are some things to think about/expand on in future drafts :)
Hey, I've forgotten my FP password but I thought I'd finally get around to critiquing this for you :)
Firstly I like the overall tone- somber and serious without being unrelatable, with a touch of the creepy. The writing flows pretty well most of the time, however I think you tend to overuse parentheses, often to add in details that seem unnecessary and jarring, and some of the repetition ("She's dead", etc) seems more melodramatic than actually impactful.
Most of my issues with this story are typical first-draft problems rather than huge plotholes- Grace's lack of a life outside of her sister, for example. While Faye's death may be the main focus of the story, surely Grace has other things going on. Where are her friends, surely they'd come around to offer support, persuade her to get out of the house for a bit? Is she in college, does she have a job? We see that she's girly while Faye is more of a tomboy, but just expressing her style choices doesn't really give her much depth. The same goes for Faye and their parents, but I think as she's the main character it's more worrying that Grace doesn't have any of those things.
While I really like the sound of the mystery and am interested to find out what really happened at Faye's prom, I find it difficult to believe that Grace is the one taking the biggest concern in it. Her family don't seem to be grieving very much at all. I could understand a bereaved sister going on a mission to find the killer if there was a reason why the police weren't doing it- for example, if Faye was thought to have killed herself and the police just brushed it off as another teenage suicide, while Grace thought there was something else behind it. But as it is, there are 17 people dead, all killed (presumably) by the same thing. There is no way anybody is just going to brush that off. There would be police everywhere, news reports, excessive media coverage, all over the country at the very least (look at all the recent school shootings in the US- we hear all about those, and this would probably be treated the same way). The whole town would be falling to pieces. This isn't just Grace's family that has been affected, up to 16 other families have lost their children too, and that's not just going to be forgotten. The whole town would be talking about such a horrific tragedy, so giving Grace little to no interaction with the outside world just seems unrealistic and falls flat, as it could be so much more interesting, and we could learn more about her from her interactions with other people, which she hasn't had many of so far.
Another issue I take with this is the dream sequences, which I think in general are cliched and self-indulgent, the first one in particular seeming to serve as a way of showing what happened at the prom without giving us enough information to find out what actually did happen. However, as it's hinted that Grace has powers of premonition, I'll just see where you go with this, I guess it's not entirely unrealistic if the supernatural is involved.
Overall I like it and I'm interesting to see where it goes, I just think these are some things to think about/expand on in future drafts :)
4/18/2013 c3 spezria26
Another brilliant chapter that has me on the edge of my seat and curious for more
Another brilliant chapter that has me on the edge of my seat and curious for more
4/4/2013 c2 spezria26
I am honestly creeped out beyond belief.
I will admit, that your stories don't always make sense. I suppose there are highly superstitious people out there but I don't see why a foreboding warning and a nightmare would be so scary and make you believe. I mean, I'd just be like, "Faye told me she'd die tonight so it was probably just my mind conencting dots adleep."
Other than that, another great, if short, chapter. I love all your stories. They're gripping and clever and always make sense in the end
I am honestly creeped out beyond belief.
I will admit, that your stories don't always make sense. I suppose there are highly superstitious people out there but I don't see why a foreboding warning and a nightmare would be so scary and make you believe. I mean, I'd just be like, "Faye told me she'd die tonight so it was probably just my mind conencting dots adleep."
Other than that, another great, if short, chapter. I love all your stories. They're gripping and clever and always make sense in the end