Just In
for The Moon that Night

5/14/2013 c1 14Shampoo Suicide
There are a few spelling issues, but that's probably insignificant given this was written for the WCC. Anyway, I liked it a lot! Your way with words is always so poetic, such as the line about the moon being low and bright enough to cradle like an infant at the end of this one-shot. I loved the twist of the mute boy speaking, and the fact he was the enemy even more. You leave the reader wondering what it was he had to get away from that he was willing to take such a risk. This is very well crafted.
4/3/2013 c1 4lookingwest
Setting/world-building - I like what you've done here with this short to provide us just enough background where we get a sense of what's going on behind the scenes and the whole hint about the war. I think you did a good job sprinkling enough details throughout the piece to create a whole setting. I was interested in the war you set up and especially the moment where they're planting the bomb in the ground, that was unique - I thought you handled the setting description of that whole process with a lot of good detail and poetic moments, like when you mention the unnatural moon and the barrier. Overall, there was a good sense of space in the latter half of this piece for sure. The beginning felt more basic and ambiguous, but once the characters moved outside things really shaped up.

Relationships - I like how you developed the relationship between Adamski and the mute boy Elias in such a little time span after he starts speaking. WCC is definitely a challenge when it comes to character development and I appreciate the way you "showed" their relationship develop instead of told it to us. This story really shines with that. At the very end though - I'm not sure where we're left with what's happened between them or what will happen afterwards. I think you leave that up the reader and it's a fun choice, but a very mysterious/ambiguous one!

Opening - The opening scene of this story worked well for me - I thought you set up everything nicely and you definitely showed the different status of all the characters, especially Adamski's place on the totem pole during this war. I liked the authoritative air of their job and assignment, and I like how you brought in the mute boy towards the opening too - that perked up curiosity about what might unfold regarding him.

Other/Prompt/enjoyment - For Liv's prompt this month, I definitely thought we would see a lot of apocalypse stuff, and I really like the unique take on how you developed a world involving war instead - that was unexpected. I also like to see how you took the time to create a whole story from the prompt to - overall, it's creative, for sure! I enjoyed this piece. I think it paid attention to world-building in similar ways that Black Ribbon does, and it feels just as mysterious in some aspects regarding who or what the Gryaz might be, so I enjoyed seeing that in your writing. It was well put together and I enjoyed the character of Elias - the tension between him and Adamski (or Gabriela, I suppose) was spot on and well developed!

Good luck in the WCC! It's always cool to see you writing lots of prose now :3
4/3/2013 c1 9Infected Beliefs
["I have other plans for you, pretty girl." He tried to be seductive but it sounded more like childish banter to her ears.] - It sounds more like an ominous threat to my ears. -_-

Ok, I loved the tension you have set for the entire piece. I found myself whispering as I read it, so that the Gryaz couldn't hear me. It was really powerful and you kept the mood and tone consistent throughout. I was totally startled when Elias finally spoke; I didn't see that coming at all. You have left me really curious as to whether or not they will make it out of the minefield, though from the way you have set it up I suspect not.

As for something I was less satisfied with...I think you have too many characters. This is a story about Adamski and Elias, essentially. Benedikt is useful in the beginning in order to introduce the piece, their purpose, and the characters in general, but Jacasta is completely unnecessary. His portion could easily have been combined with either Adamski or Benedikt, or even removed entirely.

Anyway, good submission piece for sure and good luck with the contest.


4/3/2013 c1 2Jalux
You manage to get quite a surprising amount of content and characterization into a simple one-shot.

What I enjoyed most was simply the writing coupled with the dialogue, your descriptions of your characters, what they are doing. For example I really got a good image of Jacasta with the little information you provided. The dialogue was also outstanding, very believable and not too awkward.

I thought the starting hook could've been a little stronger, it's a relatively simple start that's not well...interesting. I feel it's too basic, perhaps start with the boy's thoughts of why he volunteered, I feel that's a better hook.

Excellent one-shot nonetheless.

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