for Eyes of light5/7/2013 c1 
10Complex Variable
[The palace guard lay in a bed of sweet smelling grass in the midst of the castle gardens.] - - - Don't use "palace" and "castle" in the same sentence; it's an obvious attempt to evade the repetition of "palace guard / palace gardens". I'd just say "guard".
[To his right, clear water beat against the sides of the pool it was in and his armor lay several feet away from him, distinctly out of place in the bright garden due to it's dull gray color. ] - - - Messy sentence. Fix it please. :3 Also "its", not "it's".
What, Mr. Guard has a NAME? xo Then, by all means, open the chapter with "Leon lay in a bed of sweet smelling…." There's no reason NOT to say Leon's name in the first paragraph, so just say it and move on. xD
[Orion, the castle's elderly head alchemist standing over him. The sun gleamed on the old one's spotted scalp which was bare aside from several small tufts of cloud like white hair.] - - - You don't need to (and shouldn't) say that Orion is old; the descriptions you have SHOW his age, and that's even better. I would fix it as follows: E.g "Orion, the castle's head alchemist, standing over him. The sun gleamed on Orion's spotted scalp, which was bare aside from several small tufts of white, cloud-like hair." That version of the sentence SHOWS his age.
[While still a year from the true age of manhood… to truly impress Sir Auten or King Alton.] - - - Messy sentence! xo
[and it's citizens were happy.] - - - This means "and it is citizens were happy." x3 "its" "belong to it"; "it's" "it is".
["Yeah...I hear one of the braymonts is still alive..." ] - - - a what, now? If this is a family name, it should have a capital "B".
[The hulking form of captain Janacek had his back turned.] - - - Add the appropriate accents to this name, and you get the last name of a 20th century Czech composer. :3
[than Leon's six foot] - - - "six feet." Yeah, I know it's weird, but that is the correct way of saying what you meant to say.
[he felt the moist breathing down the back of his neck.] - - - This doesn't sound right.
Your dialogue needs improvement. It doesn't feel natural. Ex: ["You are aware that the training of the guards is beginning in just a few minutes, correct?"]; I would make this "You are aware that training begins in just a few minutes, aren't you?"
["Where the hell have you been?"] - - - They believe in hell (or, in a "hell")?
[Leon had come from a small town in the east of the kingdom called Dorm and had become a victim of his own lack of a map.] - - - This could have (and should have) been funny. It wasn't. xo Fix it, please. :3
["Howdy," Leon said,] - - - So, now we're in cowboy land? xD
[I'll just settle on tearing you to pieces with the sword." ] - - - One does not "tear" with a sword. One "
[Then He stood up, hitting Blaise's 'sword'… other's defenses.
cuts", or "slices."] - - - This combat passage is riddled with errors and awkward patches, more so than the rest of the chapter, even. There are a lot of little errors and awkward phrasings and whatnot in this chapter that need to be edited and re-worked in order to smoothen the read.
["Well see of that." Blaise said,] - - - "of"? XD No. "about", not "of". As I said before, you need to work on your dialogue.
Historically (on earth, at least), guilds managed their own financial affairs; they were not usually given money by the crown. Monarchies had royally-funded academies/societies/colleges to preside over. I agree with Leon's grumbling, actually. xD
Okay, so, there are many places where you have capital-letter words in the middle of a sentence, or "the"s that should be "they"s. Fix these; they're embarrassing.
"band of the sword" should be capitalized: "Band of the Sword".
[Leon could not be sure the being was there in truth] - - - Come on! xF Stuff like this just sounds bad. Fix it!
[He turned to the sound of footsteps and saw Sir Ichabod walk around the corner,] - - - *Totally starts visualizing the Disney animated short of "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow"*
Okay, so, you've lost my attention. I was about to leave when Leon's vision suddenly occurred and caught my attention, but then you lost me soon after it passed. Too much trivial stuff is happening in this chapter; there's not enough focus on the underlying chain of events in this chapter. Because lots of little things are happening, I don't know what event to grab onto. Focus your storytelling. For instance, the first "section" of this chapter doesn't appear to actually do anything for the story.
CV
10Complex Variable[The palace guard lay in a bed of sweet smelling grass in the midst of the castle gardens.] - - - Don't use "palace" and "castle" in the same sentence; it's an obvious attempt to evade the repetition of "palace guard / palace gardens". I'd just say "guard".
[To his right, clear water beat against the sides of the pool it was in and his armor lay several feet away from him, distinctly out of place in the bright garden due to it's dull gray color. ] - - - Messy sentence. Fix it please. :3 Also "its", not "it's".
What, Mr. Guard has a NAME? xo Then, by all means, open the chapter with "Leon lay in a bed of sweet smelling…." There's no reason NOT to say Leon's name in the first paragraph, so just say it and move on. xD
[Orion, the castle's elderly head alchemist standing over him. The sun gleamed on the old one's spotted scalp which was bare aside from several small tufts of cloud like white hair.] - - - You don't need to (and shouldn't) say that Orion is old; the descriptions you have SHOW his age, and that's even better. I would fix it as follows: E.g "Orion, the castle's head alchemist, standing over him. The sun gleamed on Orion's spotted scalp, which was bare aside from several small tufts of white, cloud-like hair." That version of the sentence SHOWS his age.
[While still a year from the true age of manhood… to truly impress Sir Auten or King Alton.] - - - Messy sentence! xo
[and it's citizens were happy.] - - - This means "and it is citizens were happy." x3 "its" "belong to it"; "it's" "it is".
["Yeah...I hear one of the braymonts is still alive..." ] - - - a what, now? If this is a family name, it should have a capital "B".
[The hulking form of captain Janacek had his back turned.] - - - Add the appropriate accents to this name, and you get the last name of a 20th century Czech composer. :3
[than Leon's six foot] - - - "six feet." Yeah, I know it's weird, but that is the correct way of saying what you meant to say.
[he felt the moist breathing down the back of his neck.] - - - This doesn't sound right.
Your dialogue needs improvement. It doesn't feel natural. Ex: ["You are aware that the training of the guards is beginning in just a few minutes, correct?"]; I would make this "You are aware that training begins in just a few minutes, aren't you?"
["Where the hell have you been?"] - - - They believe in hell (or, in a "hell")?
[Leon had come from a small town in the east of the kingdom called Dorm and had become a victim of his own lack of a map.] - - - This could have (and should have) been funny. It wasn't. xo Fix it, please. :3
["Howdy," Leon said,] - - - So, now we're in cowboy land? xD
[I'll just settle on tearing you to pieces with the sword." ] - - - One does not "tear" with a sword. One "
[Then He stood up, hitting Blaise's 'sword'… other's defenses.
cuts", or "slices."] - - - This combat passage is riddled with errors and awkward patches, more so than the rest of the chapter, even. There are a lot of little errors and awkward phrasings and whatnot in this chapter that need to be edited and re-worked in order to smoothen the read.
["Well see of that." Blaise said,] - - - "of"? XD No. "about", not "of". As I said before, you need to work on your dialogue.
Historically (on earth, at least), guilds managed their own financial affairs; they were not usually given money by the crown. Monarchies had royally-funded academies/societies/colleges to preside over. I agree with Leon's grumbling, actually. xD
Okay, so, there are many places where you have capital-letter words in the middle of a sentence, or "the"s that should be "they"s. Fix these; they're embarrassing.
"band of the sword" should be capitalized: "Band of the Sword".
[Leon could not be sure the being was there in truth] - - - Come on! xF Stuff like this just sounds bad. Fix it!
[He turned to the sound of footsteps and saw Sir Ichabod walk around the corner,] - - - *Totally starts visualizing the Disney animated short of "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow"*
Okay, so, you've lost my attention. I was about to leave when Leon's vision suddenly occurred and caught my attention, but then you lost me soon after it passed. Too much trivial stuff is happening in this chapter; there's not enough focus on the underlying chain of events in this chapter. Because lots of little things are happening, I don't know what event to grab onto. Focus your storytelling. For instance, the first "section" of this chapter doesn't appear to actually do anything for the story.
CV