for Embracing the Dark8/15/2013 c1 Marie Shadows
It is an interesting premise. I just don't like teenager-ish type stuff with high school settings because then it becomes too over dramataized. Also, there is always a girl who is an emotional wreck. Why is there no confident fifteen year olds? Just wondering. I just don't want to see an aspringing writer follow down a path of trends and followers who write the same thing and never have anything original to stay to tell. You know what I mean? I hope it wasn't too harsh.
First person point of view tends to be over chatty with female characters. Writers constantly write the same sentence at least twice but in different ways. For example, a stomach or gut as you put it, does not get tighter and tighter. I understand what you are trying to convey but just leave it as: my gut got tighter. I felt the butterflies swarm. Anything new to convey your picture.
Oh and who cares if a chapter is too long or short. It's your story, you write however you wish. Don't please others but yourself in the craft of writing.
On my profile, I have a link to critique circle. There, many friendly writers and readers will go in depth with your story and tell you the bad, the good, and the ugly. Give it a try. Also, while your on my profile, you are welcomed to check out my story called Frost Fall.
Hope I helped.
It is an interesting premise. I just don't like teenager-ish type stuff with high school settings because then it becomes too over dramataized. Also, there is always a girl who is an emotional wreck. Why is there no confident fifteen year olds? Just wondering. I just don't want to see an aspringing writer follow down a path of trends and followers who write the same thing and never have anything original to stay to tell. You know what I mean? I hope it wasn't too harsh.
First person point of view tends to be over chatty with female characters. Writers constantly write the same sentence at least twice but in different ways. For example, a stomach or gut as you put it, does not get tighter and tighter. I understand what you are trying to convey but just leave it as: my gut got tighter. I felt the butterflies swarm. Anything new to convey your picture.
Oh and who cares if a chapter is too long or short. It's your story, you write however you wish. Don't please others but yourself in the craft of writing.
On my profile, I have a link to critique circle. There, many friendly writers and readers will go in depth with your story and tell you the bad, the good, and the ugly. Give it a try. Also, while your on my profile, you are welcomed to check out my story called Frost Fall.
Hope I helped.
7/24/2013 c2 Guest
cool. update soon?
cool. update soon?
7/24/2013 c2 Lovely Pine
Again! Great chapter! Though... I don't like how you suddenly made it all sad and stuff lol.
Please continue!
Again! Great chapter! Though... I don't like how you suddenly made it all sad and stuff lol.
Please continue!
7/24/2013 c1 Lovely Pine
Oh my god! It's great! I haven't read anything new on fictionpress like this before!
Oh my god! It's great! I haven't read anything new on fictionpress like this before!
7/11/2013 c1 
1Nyx-Vixen
I really enjoyed this and hope that you will continue to write. and also could you check some of my writing? I only have one thing posted so far but I intend to continue
1Nyx-VixenI really enjoyed this and hope that you will continue to write. and also could you check some of my writing? I only have one thing posted so far but I intend to continue
7/10/2013 c2 1BellsRing
Wow... This is great! I have never read something like this before. I love the whole setting! And at the dream where her brother and father died I wanted to cry along with Pixie. It was sad very sad, Keep writing!
1BellsRingWow... This is great! I have never read something like this before. I love the whole setting! And at the dream where her brother and father died I wanted to cry along with Pixie. It was sad very sad, Keep writing!
5/16/2013 c2 6Alexandria Woolf
its really good and I don't see any errors except for the word colour its spelled color. Otherwise love it and I hope you continue writing it for sure.
6Alexandria Woolfits really good and I don't see any errors except for the word colour its spelled color. Otherwise love it and I hope you continue writing it for sure.
4/18/2013 c1 Alexandria Woolf
I love how you described everything. especially their relationships with each other. I saw only one immediate error and that was in the bio of the pope. Otherwise, love this story and hope you continue for sure. : )
I love how you described everything. especially their relationships with each other. I saw only one immediate error and that was in the bio of the pope. Otherwise, love this story and hope you continue for sure. : )