for Within the Glass4/11/2013 c1 
2Ghost Divsion
The story is well written and loaded with detail, but sometimes there is too much detail and the story grinds to a halt as a result. Also, there's not much plot in this chapter, which is bad for an introductory, because with no plot there is no way to keep your readers engaged in the story. This won't apply to everyone but if you keep moving on with the detail heaviness, you may lose out on some reader. Something that offsets this problem just a little bit is that the setting itself is very novel and fascinating.
2Ghost DivsionThe story is well written and loaded with detail, but sometimes there is too much detail and the story grinds to a halt as a result. Also, there's not much plot in this chapter, which is bad for an introductory, because with no plot there is no way to keep your readers engaged in the story. This won't apply to everyone but if you keep moving on with the detail heaviness, you may lose out on some reader. Something that offsets this problem just a little bit is that the setting itself is very novel and fascinating.
4/8/2013 c1 A. Nonymous1234
Aaaaah, this was so good! The opening felt almost like poetry, the way you wrote it, which was very good. Flat out, you are an amazing writer. The summary also reminds me of poetry in a way. The ending was just, wow. The story had a very smooth flow that kept the reader reading. The only complaint I have, and a small one at that, is that I wish you would break up chapter per chapter. It's just a pet peeve of mine! I'm going to drop in and read more when you update!
-From the roadhouse
Aaaaah, this was so good! The opening felt almost like poetry, the way you wrote it, which was very good. Flat out, you are an amazing writer. The summary also reminds me of poetry in a way. The ending was just, wow. The story had a very smooth flow that kept the reader reading. The only complaint I have, and a small one at that, is that I wish you would break up chapter per chapter. It's just a pet peeve of mine! I'm going to drop in and read more when you update!
-From the roadhouse
4/7/2013 c1 4lookingwest
From the Roadhouse (return review)
While I seem someone to not really favor commas in general, I do find that your writing style seems to miss some places where I think by-ear there should be a pause or a comma. A few examples of where I would pause during the clause are below.
..catches the creatures jaw and it spasms sidelong then hits the ground and rolls quickly to its feet. [Comma after "sidelong", or even an EM dash (I love those things, haha)]
When next it looks upon the person the reflection in its dark eyes is... [Introductory clause, needs a comma after "person"]
Without hesitation a blast of electricity discharges at the creature... [Same as above, comma after "hesitation"]
Regarding the prologue, the only thing I'll say in a negative sense is that I think the use of the un-gendered pronouns are actually inhibiting the descriptions and making things a little confusing. Having more specific pronouns, like you do with the dog (Tomkin?) would clear things up a bit, I think. Unless the ambiguity of the person's gender is indeed something that is going to matter and be a plot point later on - if not, I'm not so sure the ambiguity is helping the imagery and description.
The second part of the prologue was even more disorenting, and I think that makes sense because we're not really sure what happened in the first part (though it seems the second person narrator does know what's going on?). I honestly couldn't tell who was thinking what or who was talking in the second part, but I'm trusting that it's intentional. I'm just not sure what information I'm supposed to be taking away from it since it's hard to sort out. Is "Chip says" a character named Chip? Or is it referring to a microchip that is telling the character their identity? I couldn't tell.
A rover this far out is unheard of. Must be Lysis. – I thought so too. – What is his job class? [I had no idea who was talking with "I thought so too", and I don't know if this is supposed to be inner thought or not, since we're in second person in the paragraph above it? Confused. But I do follow that "Must be Lysis" is referring to the person in the black hoodie. So, just to sort this out - the ambiguous "person" in the first part of the prologue is Mitch Sadvary (a man, so why didn't you just say "he"?) and the person who rescued him "must be Lysis"? Hopefully I'm following.]
The person turns to you... [Which person? Not Mitch? The person from the first section?]
This man was scheduled to expire. [Which man? We don't get any real gender pronouns until now - why? Who is the man? Lysis? Or Mitch?]
I don't think the gender ambiguity is working smoothly - I think it's working against you. But, overall, I found the prologue engaging and I liked that it started with action. I always prefer stories that start that way, and I found it a good start that made me want to continue reading.
Onto Ch. 1!
For all I know this may defy the operators will. [Apostrophe needed unless it's more than one operator.]
Hmm, you know - it seems that your prologue just picks up right when you first chapter picks up? So I would say it's not really needed to be called a "prologue" - it could just be worked in as the first chapter with the page breaks where you have it. Normally prologues function to preview something that might happen later in the novel, or are unrelated events revealing backstories or something that are mysteriously reveled later for the reader to pick up on. But your prologue is basically just the events that lead to the boy in the hospital, so I think you could just have it be part of the first chapter - maybe if you actually had them separated on FP it might feel different, but, eh, that's my two cense. I never think there's anything wrong with having prologues - but I think they do serve a specific function I don't see happening with this draft.
The end section dialogue was confusing. I think I get the gist - that the doctor is a program and everything, but it took me a moment to figure out whose dialogue belonged to who, especially because how you have it, I think Kuryt would be the one asking for the doctor's help or something - so when the dialogue starts with "Lathrum, what is this?" I was confused and thought maybe Kuryt had another name. Maybe italicizing when the construct is talking would make things more clear. It did make sense after that though. I mean, I think disorientation embodies the symptom of cyperspace and that condition, and I do think to an extent you should not have to hold the readers' hands through things - but the moves that you're making with your writing style I think, could be clearer. Maybe not switching between second and first person, for instance, or third person in the prologue - trying to stay consistent with perspective. Denoting when a construct is speaking and when a human is speaking by italicizing the construct dialogue - those kind of technical moves. That might clear things up a little more.
Overall though - I'm curious to have the second part of the prologue figured out to find out who Mitch is - the little boy? I'm guessing? But I'm also curious to find out more about the monster thing that attacked him in the prologue too - or why there wasn't a pronoun for "the boy" in the first part...or if maybe I'm reading this wrong and the "person" in the prologue is not the boy in the first chapter, but they're actually unrelated instances of "monster attacks"...I think that it is the boy though since he's saying "Tomkin" and that must've been his dog - but why was he called "person", "their", and genderless? Something to do with him perhaps not being all human? Asexual? At any rate - I'd be interested in reading more!
4lookingwestFrom the Roadhouse (return review)
While I seem someone to not really favor commas in general, I do find that your writing style seems to miss some places where I think by-ear there should be a pause or a comma. A few examples of where I would pause during the clause are below.
..catches the creatures jaw and it spasms sidelong then hits the ground and rolls quickly to its feet. [Comma after "sidelong", or even an EM dash (I love those things, haha)]
When next it looks upon the person the reflection in its dark eyes is... [Introductory clause, needs a comma after "person"]
Without hesitation a blast of electricity discharges at the creature... [Same as above, comma after "hesitation"]
Regarding the prologue, the only thing I'll say in a negative sense is that I think the use of the un-gendered pronouns are actually inhibiting the descriptions and making things a little confusing. Having more specific pronouns, like you do with the dog (Tomkin?) would clear things up a bit, I think. Unless the ambiguity of the person's gender is indeed something that is going to matter and be a plot point later on - if not, I'm not so sure the ambiguity is helping the imagery and description.
The second part of the prologue was even more disorenting, and I think that makes sense because we're not really sure what happened in the first part (though it seems the second person narrator does know what's going on?). I honestly couldn't tell who was thinking what or who was talking in the second part, but I'm trusting that it's intentional. I'm just not sure what information I'm supposed to be taking away from it since it's hard to sort out. Is "Chip says" a character named Chip? Or is it referring to a microchip that is telling the character their identity? I couldn't tell.
A rover this far out is unheard of. Must be Lysis. – I thought so too. – What is his job class? [I had no idea who was talking with "I thought so too", and I don't know if this is supposed to be inner thought or not, since we're in second person in the paragraph above it? Confused. But I do follow that "Must be Lysis" is referring to the person in the black hoodie. So, just to sort this out - the ambiguous "person" in the first part of the prologue is Mitch Sadvary (a man, so why didn't you just say "he"?) and the person who rescued him "must be Lysis"? Hopefully I'm following.]
The person turns to you... [Which person? Not Mitch? The person from the first section?]
This man was scheduled to expire. [Which man? We don't get any real gender pronouns until now - why? Who is the man? Lysis? Or Mitch?]
I don't think the gender ambiguity is working smoothly - I think it's working against you. But, overall, I found the prologue engaging and I liked that it started with action. I always prefer stories that start that way, and I found it a good start that made me want to continue reading.
Onto Ch. 1!
For all I know this may defy the operators will. [Apostrophe needed unless it's more than one operator.]
Hmm, you know - it seems that your prologue just picks up right when you first chapter picks up? So I would say it's not really needed to be called a "prologue" - it could just be worked in as the first chapter with the page breaks where you have it. Normally prologues function to preview something that might happen later in the novel, or are unrelated events revealing backstories or something that are mysteriously reveled later for the reader to pick up on. But your prologue is basically just the events that lead to the boy in the hospital, so I think you could just have it be part of the first chapter - maybe if you actually had them separated on FP it might feel different, but, eh, that's my two cense. I never think there's anything wrong with having prologues - but I think they do serve a specific function I don't see happening with this draft.
The end section dialogue was confusing. I think I get the gist - that the doctor is a program and everything, but it took me a moment to figure out whose dialogue belonged to who, especially because how you have it, I think Kuryt would be the one asking for the doctor's help or something - so when the dialogue starts with "Lathrum, what is this?" I was confused and thought maybe Kuryt had another name. Maybe italicizing when the construct is talking would make things more clear. It did make sense after that though. I mean, I think disorientation embodies the symptom of cyperspace and that condition, and I do think to an extent you should not have to hold the readers' hands through things - but the moves that you're making with your writing style I think, could be clearer. Maybe not switching between second and first person, for instance, or third person in the prologue - trying to stay consistent with perspective. Denoting when a construct is speaking and when a human is speaking by italicizing the construct dialogue - those kind of technical moves. That might clear things up a little more.
Overall though - I'm curious to have the second part of the prologue figured out to find out who Mitch is - the little boy? I'm guessing? But I'm also curious to find out more about the monster thing that attacked him in the prologue too - or why there wasn't a pronoun for "the boy" in the first part...or if maybe I'm reading this wrong and the "person" in the prologue is not the boy in the first chapter, but they're actually unrelated instances of "monster attacks"...I think that it is the boy though since he's saying "Tomkin" and that must've been his dog - but why was he called "person", "their", and genderless? Something to do with him perhaps not being all human? Asexual? At any rate - I'd be interested in reading more!
4/5/2013 c1 Marvelle Petit
You have a good base here, but it does need a good edit. A lot of it is confusing, and some sentences don't make sense the way they're written. It's okay to make several short declarative sentences to give an action pace and create a sense of quick pace.
There's a lot of "which" in this, and that's something you should try to get rid of because it's telling and not showing. You also have some grammatical errors like "A starkly plain room full of non-transparent windows and phials alit beneath machines on extending mechanical arms." (This is a sentence fragment.) Some things are overly descriptive. I know that seems like a misnomer, but it's so engrossed in details of things that it seems like we're missing other parts. Like, you do very well describing the setting, but as for what's going on, actually? I have no clue.
The chapter one part is also very confusing with switching of POV from third to second to first or something along those lines, I could not follow it at all and instead of engaging me in the action and mystery, it confused me and made me not want to read more.
Like I mentioned in the beginning of this review, most of this stuff can be fixed with time spent editing this piece.
You have a good base here, but it does need a good edit. A lot of it is confusing, and some sentences don't make sense the way they're written. It's okay to make several short declarative sentences to give an action pace and create a sense of quick pace.
There's a lot of "which" in this, and that's something you should try to get rid of because it's telling and not showing. You also have some grammatical errors like "A starkly plain room full of non-transparent windows and phials alit beneath machines on extending mechanical arms." (This is a sentence fragment.) Some things are overly descriptive. I know that seems like a misnomer, but it's so engrossed in details of things that it seems like we're missing other parts. Like, you do very well describing the setting, but as for what's going on, actually? I have no clue.
The chapter one part is also very confusing with switching of POV from third to second to first or something along those lines, I could not follow it at all and instead of engaging me in the action and mystery, it confused me and made me not want to read more.
Like I mentioned in the beginning of this review, most of this stuff can be fixed with time spent editing this piece.
4/5/2013 c1 5Whirlymerle
Hi from the Roadhouse!
[From behind a white scarf the person looks up to the poplar tree's dwindling yellow leaves. A pair of grey eyes traces the outline of her branches to the naked crest of her reaching arms before Tomkin growls and draws their attention.] I have a feeling you’re intentionally avoiding the use of a gender specific pronoun, but I don’t think the answer to that is to make your sentences grammatically incorrect by using the plural “their.” I was really confused by the scene because I thought there was more than one person here. Unless you mean for that one person to somehow turn into multiple people?
Apostrophes needed:
[the creatures jaw]
[the networks instructions]
[the physicians fingertips]
[the others pain]
I love the moral question you pose in your summary, and I look forward to seeing it explored.
I actually disagree with your first reviewer (not that one of us is right and the other is wrong, but I thought you might want a second opinion). Bad prologues tend to info dump, but yours is not like that.
I did feel a little lost in my read. I love experimental writing, and I think there are a lot of cool elements in this piece (environsphere etc). But I wonder if you could introduce those elements more gradually, so the action could be clearer.
5WhirlymerleHi from the Roadhouse!
[From behind a white scarf the person looks up to the poplar tree's dwindling yellow leaves. A pair of grey eyes traces the outline of her branches to the naked crest of her reaching arms before Tomkin growls and draws their attention.] I have a feeling you’re intentionally avoiding the use of a gender specific pronoun, but I don’t think the answer to that is to make your sentences grammatically incorrect by using the plural “their.” I was really confused by the scene because I thought there was more than one person here. Unless you mean for that one person to somehow turn into multiple people?
Apostrophes needed:
[the creatures jaw]
[the networks instructions]
[the physicians fingertips]
[the others pain]
I love the moral question you pose in your summary, and I look forward to seeing it explored.
I actually disagree with your first reviewer (not that one of us is right and the other is wrong, but I thought you might want a second opinion). Bad prologues tend to info dump, but yours is not like that.
I did feel a little lost in my read. I love experimental writing, and I think there are a lot of cool elements in this piece (environsphere etc). But I wonder if you could introduce those elements more gradually, so the action could be clearer.
4/5/2013 c1 3RBFOXTROT
hi i'm from Roadhouse so i will give this my best shot (Sci-fi is a Favorite of mine)
the good
the character are incredibly detailed and have good amount of depth and back story i get the feeling for their objectives in life plus the locations have a lot of detail and that is good.
Punctuation is solid though out which can put people off reading the story
now don't take this the wrong way but here some advice that i have learnt
1) don't do prologue if you can avoid it - i decided to do a prologue in my first story but when reading it back and opinions they said they couldn't get into the story so i would say don't use it, instead integrate this type of thing into the dialogue unless you think it is really important.
2) have you character fleshed out a bit because i feel that the doctor isn't really interesting and don't see where he fits in the plot, try show him doing something nice for someone like giving free medicine despite it being expensive.
3) i get the feeling that you going to introduce multi protagonists in the first couple of chapters (if this is not the case ignore this) i would say don't do this because it doesn't help the reader and they get confused so set up your single protagonist so the reader can see their development themselves
so i won't give this the favorite yet but i will follow to see its development
From
RBFOXTROT
3RBFOXTROThi i'm from Roadhouse so i will give this my best shot (Sci-fi is a Favorite of mine)
the good
the character are incredibly detailed and have good amount of depth and back story i get the feeling for their objectives in life plus the locations have a lot of detail and that is good.
Punctuation is solid though out which can put people off reading the story
now don't take this the wrong way but here some advice that i have learnt
1) don't do prologue if you can avoid it - i decided to do a prologue in my first story but when reading it back and opinions they said they couldn't get into the story so i would say don't use it, instead integrate this type of thing into the dialogue unless you think it is really important.
2) have you character fleshed out a bit because i feel that the doctor isn't really interesting and don't see where he fits in the plot, try show him doing something nice for someone like giving free medicine despite it being expensive.
3) i get the feeling that you going to introduce multi protagonists in the first couple of chapters (if this is not the case ignore this) i would say don't do this because it doesn't help the reader and they get confused so set up your single protagonist so the reader can see their development themselves
so i won't give this the favorite yet but i will follow to see its development
From
RBFOXTROT