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7/1/2022 c1 knockmeoffmyfeet
Hello there! I would like to invite you to join our platform to present a good quality story to our readers! Send me a message if this offer piqued your interest!
5/3/2021 c1 AvegaLil
Excellent book. ... If you have some great stories like this one, you can publish it on Novel Star, just submit your story to or
4/23/2021 c1 PatGo
You can publish this in a mobile app so a lot of readers can see your lovely work. Check on NovelStar and see how other writers earn by pursuing their passion in writing.
4/22/2020 c12 1Melane
Ugh, I absolutely ADORED this story and how articulate your writing is. Thank you for giving us an ending x
7/25/2016 c5 1andypolymetis
Please update this story so you can finish it!
5/2/2014 c3 3Ridely
Ah, yes, the pre-college freakout. I remember that; it's relate-able along with being well tuned to a high school mindset. It's kind of silly in retrospect, 'cause when you're finished you start wondering what you were ever afraid of. Every good story needs some kind of strife to move it along, and I can see the ball moving right about here. There is a definite feel of a teenager pushing this story along, which is great given that she really is. You start to see that their odd ball relationship kind of has it's faults, which I hope is exploited for all it's worth in later chapters. They have a pre-established relationship that is interesting and I think that it'll just get more interesting from here.
12/14/2013 c4 5TMSantos
I just love this
it makes my heart flutter and... yeah
It's beautiful
11/12/2013 c3 deadaccount2019
[...considerably tacky yet surprisingly comfortable...to which I solely blame Carter for.] The last chapter wasn't so bad, but this this one starts off very adverb-heavy again. A rework (or even just shed the adverbs all together) would help. Also still seeing small redundancies and unnecessary remarks in the narrative (although these are happening far less often).

The writing is starting to improve this chapter. It feels more complete and not quite as forced. Kaye's voice is also starting feel more natural. It's spending more time as a teenager and less time as a literature narrator. She still strays away from a teenager's voice from time to time, but overall there's a markedly positive difference between the first chapter and this one.

One thing I meant to mention previously is that I like that Carter and Kaye already have an established friendship. It's a bit cliched, but it makes for a much more natural transition from friend to b/g-friend. These two sometimes feel like they have a really weird friendship to begin with, but I find it offers that much more intrigue to the development of them as a couple.
11/12/2013 c2 deadaccount2019
[...being squished in between my two siblings and all.] Flow would be better if it read, "...being squished by my siblings and all. This really falls into what I mentioned before about wordiness and redundancy.

[...the blonde-then-brunette-then-blonde-again-now-redhead says,] Even just reading this is a mouthful, and extremely unecessary. Something along the lines of "the currently redhead" would have worked better to establish that Lucy is indecisive in her hair color.

Dialogue was rather hit-and-miss this chapter. The sarcasm usually worked pretty well, but little things like the whole "babe" and "baby" thing felt very artificial. Even more notable, however, is Carter and Kaye using words like "incredulity" and "vexation". It's not so much the fact that they know the words, so much as they use the words. It makes them sound like third-person narrators and really derails their voices as teenagers.

I love the letter writing. I used to do very much the same thing, for exactly the same reasons. Gave me a chance to calm down, sort out my feelings, and say exactly what I wanted to say. In that regard, it was a bit of an unexpected relatable aspect to Kaye, and it's an approach to exposition that I don't often come across; especially not in romance stories, so kudos for bringing an uncommon approach to the genre. :)
11/12/2013 c1 deadaccount2019
[Oh god, when have I become this pathetic?] "have" should be changed to "did". Although the story is present-tense, Kaye's thought refers to the past. (Unless this is a weird speech thing she has, but from the rest of the chapter I don't get that feeling).

[Impatiently blowing strands...not supposed to be there.] This paragraph is a bit adverb-heavy. Cutting "Impatiently", "quietly", and reworking the second sentence would go a long way in helping the flow. I believe there were a couple other spots where adverbs got heavy-handed, but this one was the biggest example.

Throughout the chapter there's a lot of redundancy and unnecessary comments. The sentence stating the drawing is her family, for example, or later on when Kaye remarks, "Not in the literal sense, of course." Later on she states twice in a single paragraph that she's still in the room. Etc. I would go through and look for things that are said more than once and remove any doubles that are unnecessary to the story.

From the note, Kaye definitely seems to have a flare for drama. Not all together a bad thing, since I like that it conveyed a pretty authentic teenager's voice. Outside of the note, though, I found Kaye's voice rather inconsistent. One minute she sounds like an average teenager, but then the next minute she sounds like a contrived, third-person narration. One thing I would keep in mind is that although someone might dote on another person's features (such as when Kaye mentions the color of Carter's eyes), they are not going to think things like "blowing strands of my auburn hair" unless they are significantly narcissistic. This is especially true in teenagers.
11/10/2013 c1 3Epic Myth
Hi, Epic Myth from the Roadhouse and I would like to start off by saying, welcome back to FP. It's good to see writers young and old come around and paint the place with their unique styles of crafting stories.

The beginning is unusual to me, I am sure there are plenty of stories that started off with a letter being expressed, but I haven't came across any of those myself. After reading the entire chapter and going back to the beginning, I realized our dear narrator isn't as serious about her plan to run as I assumed. The biggest indicator was the fact that she thought about for 16 minutes... which makes it kind of funny, comical even. I like that.

As for the style of the story, I didn't notice it at first (shame on me) but I eventually realized it's a little more flowery than I am accustomed to. It's not totally a bad thing, but some of the words used feel like you went straight to to search up something to replace... what... mess? One of the most glaring examples would be [ ... and his clothes are in a state of disarray.] Big word... sort of knocked me out of the reading groove because I had to think about it. But that's just me, I tend to keep it simple.

As for the characters themselves, I wasn't able to get a good read on Kaye until later on in the chapter. Because of how wishy-washy her beginning was, I can only get that she was stressed out and stuck in the middle of a hard rock and a hard place. Almost like a facade, her words won't match how she feels... which is alright, she's a girl, she's allowed to do that. But later on I realized how she has responsibilities and she's pretty much the mother... which is clued in the beginning. So, character design so far is okay... not amazing, but not bad. I do like Carter though, he's cool and he's funny. I'm on the fence about his relationship with Kaye but that makes me want to read more. It's intriguing, so good.

Last but not least, The ending... hmm, I don't mind it if that means anything. It matches the tone of the narrator perfectly and it's elaborate set up from choosing something as mundane as ice cream to making a big life decision is pretty clever. It's not my cup of tea but it works.

Overall, good start to a story. A little too flowery, but not overly so.
11/10/2013 c2 99Dreamers-Requiem
A romance story about people who are already friends, already know each other before the start of the story, can be a little difficult to pull off. You need to really let the readers learn more about the characters before we get thrown into the main plot, and when one character already likes the other, it stops us from being able to see the feelings develop. So you have to account for that. What I would suggest, is give us more of a chance to get to know Kaye, and try to introduce Carter a little more slowly. Really use the fact that this is written in her POV; show us why she likes him, show us what it is about him that fuels any feelings she has. At the moment, it feels like we’ve just been introduced to these characters and then find out she has a crush on him but without us really knowing them, it’s hard to see the basis of her crush. Good luck, and really hope this helps.
11/5/2013 c4 9Highway Unicorn
I really like the little letters that Kaye writes. I dunno what exactly catches my attention so much about them, but I just really feel more connected to the story.

Carter, Carter, Carter, Carter. I dunno, girl. She needs a hobby or something to try to keep her mind off of him. I mean, it's so obvious that she has feelings for him, and it's really sad she won't admit it to herself. But I don't think it's that healthy to think about him as much as she does, you get me? Or maybe that's the goal here. Hmmmmm. Well, I'm just going to say it's on the road of obession. She's not at the destination of obession yet, just on the road, the very start of it. Actually, that might be kinda cool if she went psycho chick on Carter XD

ANYWHOS, ramble is over.

I owe you another review, but I'm not sure if you just want me to wait it out for the next chapter, or to just go ahead and review another piece by you. If you message me to review something else, I'll do it, but I'll just wait it out for chapter five if nothing is said. :)
11/5/2013 c3 Highway Unicorn
[No studying in college, no growing up, no moving forward, just my family and my present.] Ahhhh, this hits close to home. I have a similar situation as it appears Kaye has. For me, I'm practically going to have to take care of my brother for the rest of my life after my mom passes since he suffers from a mental disablity, and sometimes it can scare me in the manner of if I will be able to provide a good life for him. But as of now, even though I take care of my brother, I still manage to go to college and work on my Major, Minor, and certificate program. It's doable, but it's tough. So yeah, I can feel for Kaye.

And to be honest, that was heavy on my mind during my last few years of high school, so I think it's really smart that you addressed those common fears. It helps to relate to your readers.

hahaha, damn, that just kinda blew up, didn't it? OH CARTER, WHEN WILL YOU LEARN?

Anywhos, this was a good chapter. The tension was brought up nicely, and I felt the fight was believable.
11/5/2013 c2 Highway Unicorn
[with her long legs that resemble those of a chicken's] LOL Chicken legs XD

Oh man, that must be super awkward to sit through, what with those two (Or really, just Blake) gushing like that. I've always felt uncomfortable when a couple goes on the amount that was shown in this chapter. I feels for Kaye.

Hahahaha, omg, those letters are so nice. I mean, whenever I wrote a letter to a friend in HS, it would consist of one sentence and hundreds of little doodles of dicks and unicorns pooping rainbows around it. Aw, but it's cute that they write each other letters, or at least he writes her letters and she writes letters only for eyes to see. How embrassing would it be if he found them? So, the [Letter to Carter No. 54] bit, is that how many letters she wrote but didn't send? O.O

Like the last chapter, I really enjoyed Kaye's narration. It's very relaxed and entertaining. And I also enjoyed Lucy's little anger towards Blake. It was adorable and very funny.

Keep up the good work!
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