for Our Sky's Broken Stars10/7/2018 c1 Guest
10/10
10/10
8/10/2014 c3 some1eleven
It's been a long time since I've read any piece that gave me such mixed feelings.
On on hand, the writing itself left me speechless. Your control of the English language is incredible, and the sheer expressive power of this piece is breathtaking. The portrayal of the world through Lilith's eyes puts even "The Girl in the Mirror" to shame; her perspective draws the reader into a whirpool of observations, emotions and actions, firmly nesting him right behind your narrator's stare and never letting go. It goes beyond just making your protagonist believable- There is simply no way to run away from everything that's happening to her. It feels authentic to the point where I find it hard to believe that this story couldn't have, in fact, taken place in reality.
The sheer depth and intensity of the feelings you're saturating your readers in is even more humbling. For someone with neither memories nor a solid sense of identity, Lilith strikes as an extremely sensitive soul, observant to the world around her, reacting to it with myriad conflicting feelings... And deeply aware of it all. While to the outside world she is little more than just a mask, a faceless, featureless being with neither a personality nor human outlook, we get to witness exactly how much is going on beneath that forced facade. You took one of the most worn, recycled archetypes in the modern popular fiction- A killer custom-designed to be little more than a killing machine- and gave it more humane features than I see in many completely mundane characters written by other authors. The immersion into Lilith's world is so complete that it's hard to rip away from her narration, and witnessing it left me humbled with my jaw on the ground.
On the other hand, however, the substance of this story made it literally painful to read.
I wouldn't want it to sound like it's a mistake. Quite the contrary, in fact- It once more shows the sheer power of your writing. The setting- Understood as the narrow set of conditions that surround Lilith- is nothing short of suffocating, filled with literally inhuman treatment (she isn't even considered a human by most of the superstitious servants), complete restraint of freedom and autonomy (she has no control over her life, and even if she wanted to, she's got nowhere to run), abject cruelty (exercised both by her owner towards her, and by her when she needs to act on his orders), a wide net of lies, treachery and abuse... And worst of all, absolutely no flicker of hope.
So far, "Our Sky's Broken Stars" is a perfect story about a cage, a prison with no way out. There is no key out of it, and even if there was, there is nowhere to run away from it. There is no one to rely on, not a single person who could turn the dire straits- And the moment such a person appears, he immediately becomes yet another tool of pressure against our narrator. Worst of all, there are no perspectives, no imaginable way of making things better... Mostly because of how strongly does this trap clutch onto Lilith's psyche itself. The external difficulties are nothing compared to the complete helplessness that the narrator calls her everyday life. It's not even that she doesn't have a choice; it's more that she's got no power to choose. The few gestures of defiance that she shows are so feeble that they're almost meaningless. For most of the story she accepts the fate imposed onto her, simply because she can't see any alternative to it.
All of it makes "Our Sky's Broken Stars" an absolutely *horrible* story to get immersed into- And just as I mentioned, the sheer immersion value of it is incredible. I read it with a gripping fascination, curiousity and gratitude, but very little pleasure. It was a journey into a world with completely no hope for a better tommorow, to witness a tale that can only possible turn from bad to worse, presented with a flawless artistic skill and an absolute mastery of the medium. The experience was enough to take my breath away, both in awe and dread. It was a horrible history told with a masterful storytelling. Not horrible as in bad, flawed or poorly designed, but horrible in the sense of content. An absolutely perfect tale about some of the darkest, most dreadful subjects. One that made me want to stop reading, but unable to do so because of the sheer beauty with which it was presented.
In the end, it left me more torn than ever in a long time. On one hand, there is no way I couldn't appreciate the sheer power and depth of this tale, and the skill you've put into telling it. On the other, I can hardly say it was a happy read, either. Some part of me marvels at what you've managed to accomplish here, while another keeps asking: "Why use it on such a tale? On something so perfectly, completely draining and depressing?". I can't even see whether I like "Our Sky's Broken Stars" with all my ambivalent feelings. One thing is certain, though: I'm not going to forget it for a very long time :)
It's been a long time since I've read any piece that gave me such mixed feelings.
On on hand, the writing itself left me speechless. Your control of the English language is incredible, and the sheer expressive power of this piece is breathtaking. The portrayal of the world through Lilith's eyes puts even "The Girl in the Mirror" to shame; her perspective draws the reader into a whirpool of observations, emotions and actions, firmly nesting him right behind your narrator's stare and never letting go. It goes beyond just making your protagonist believable- There is simply no way to run away from everything that's happening to her. It feels authentic to the point where I find it hard to believe that this story couldn't have, in fact, taken place in reality.
The sheer depth and intensity of the feelings you're saturating your readers in is even more humbling. For someone with neither memories nor a solid sense of identity, Lilith strikes as an extremely sensitive soul, observant to the world around her, reacting to it with myriad conflicting feelings... And deeply aware of it all. While to the outside world she is little more than just a mask, a faceless, featureless being with neither a personality nor human outlook, we get to witness exactly how much is going on beneath that forced facade. You took one of the most worn, recycled archetypes in the modern popular fiction- A killer custom-designed to be little more than a killing machine- and gave it more humane features than I see in many completely mundane characters written by other authors. The immersion into Lilith's world is so complete that it's hard to rip away from her narration, and witnessing it left me humbled with my jaw on the ground.
On the other hand, however, the substance of this story made it literally painful to read.
I wouldn't want it to sound like it's a mistake. Quite the contrary, in fact- It once more shows the sheer power of your writing. The setting- Understood as the narrow set of conditions that surround Lilith- is nothing short of suffocating, filled with literally inhuman treatment (she isn't even considered a human by most of the superstitious servants), complete restraint of freedom and autonomy (she has no control over her life, and even if she wanted to, she's got nowhere to run), abject cruelty (exercised both by her owner towards her, and by her when she needs to act on his orders), a wide net of lies, treachery and abuse... And worst of all, absolutely no flicker of hope.
So far, "Our Sky's Broken Stars" is a perfect story about a cage, a prison with no way out. There is no key out of it, and even if there was, there is nowhere to run away from it. There is no one to rely on, not a single person who could turn the dire straits- And the moment such a person appears, he immediately becomes yet another tool of pressure against our narrator. Worst of all, there are no perspectives, no imaginable way of making things better... Mostly because of how strongly does this trap clutch onto Lilith's psyche itself. The external difficulties are nothing compared to the complete helplessness that the narrator calls her everyday life. It's not even that she doesn't have a choice; it's more that she's got no power to choose. The few gestures of defiance that she shows are so feeble that they're almost meaningless. For most of the story she accepts the fate imposed onto her, simply because she can't see any alternative to it.
All of it makes "Our Sky's Broken Stars" an absolutely *horrible* story to get immersed into- And just as I mentioned, the sheer immersion value of it is incredible. I read it with a gripping fascination, curiousity and gratitude, but very little pleasure. It was a journey into a world with completely no hope for a better tommorow, to witness a tale that can only possible turn from bad to worse, presented with a flawless artistic skill and an absolute mastery of the medium. The experience was enough to take my breath away, both in awe and dread. It was a horrible history told with a masterful storytelling. Not horrible as in bad, flawed or poorly designed, but horrible in the sense of content. An absolutely perfect tale about some of the darkest, most dreadful subjects. One that made me want to stop reading, but unable to do so because of the sheer beauty with which it was presented.
In the end, it left me more torn than ever in a long time. On one hand, there is no way I couldn't appreciate the sheer power and depth of this tale, and the skill you've put into telling it. On the other, I can hardly say it was a happy read, either. Some part of me marvels at what you've managed to accomplish here, while another keeps asking: "Why use it on such a tale? On something so perfectly, completely draining and depressing?". I can't even see whether I like "Our Sky's Broken Stars" with all my ambivalent feelings. One thing is certain, though: I'm not going to forget it for a very long time :)
2/24/2014 c2 Ryou Arubin
I especially enjoyed the part where Captain Edwin interacted with Lilith. It sure is hard for Lilith, being isloated and others avoiding contact with her. No wonder she jumped at the opportunity to continue the conversation. Touching indeed.
Like others have pointed out, more proofreading errors. It's towards the end in the dialogues, where you used full-stops instead of comma, since the dialogue tags you used contained "says, reply and etc."
I especially enjoyed the part where Captain Edwin interacted with Lilith. It sure is hard for Lilith, being isloated and others avoiding contact with her. No wonder she jumped at the opportunity to continue the conversation. Touching indeed.
Like others have pointed out, more proofreading errors. It's towards the end in the dialogues, where you used full-stops instead of comma, since the dialogue tags you used contained "says, reply and etc."
2/24/2014 c1 Ryou Arubin
I-I am lost for words. I really should have read this before I browsed through your final tourney piece. Be it Wong, or Jax. So many talented writers hanging around the forums. D:
I-I am lost for words. I really should have read this before I browsed through your final tourney piece. Be it Wong, or Jax. So many talented writers hanging around the forums. D:
12/28/2013 c3 
5Thundy
Great writing as usual xD
Some more grammar and spelling errors...
And Lilith in a dress u
The plot is starting to pick up
5ThundyGreat writing as usual xD
Some more grammar and spelling errors...
And Lilith in a dress u
The plot is starting to pick up
12/28/2013 c2 Thundy
Nice development in Lilith's character ;)
Pretty well written once again
There's some grammar and spelling errors though
Nice development in Lilith's character ;)
Pretty well written once again
There's some grammar and spelling errors though
12/28/2013 c1 Thundy
So many noob slaves...
Except for that one guy o
Wonder if he actually beats Lilith (probably not)?
Nothing else to really say
The writing flows well u
So many noob slaves...
Except for that one guy o
Wonder if he actually beats Lilith (probably not)?
Nothing else to really say
The writing flows well u
11/15/2013 c2 10DappledKarma
D'aww. Goes to show that that little drop of hope in a pond of despair is worth having. I like how the story focuses on Lilith's thoughts and feelings. There's a subtle and mellow contemplative beauty to them. Captain Edwin is a nice guy too.
10DappledKarmaD'aww. Goes to show that that little drop of hope in a pond of despair is worth having. I like how the story focuses on Lilith's thoughts and feelings. There's a subtle and mellow contemplative beauty to them. Captain Edwin is a nice guy too.
11/14/2013 c1 DappledKarma
Poor Lilith... :(
Only first chapter and I'm already experiencing the feels. What a dark and unforgiving world she lives in. I can't really say anything constructive here. Your flow and pacing is perfection to my mind, the amount of description, while it is a lot and comes in fast, is not overwhelming at all, and the fight scenes were excellent. That's always a plus. Most people don't know how to write those well, imo. Will be reading more. :)
Poor Lilith... :(
Only first chapter and I'm already experiencing the feels. What a dark and unforgiving world she lives in. I can't really say anything constructive here. Your flow and pacing is perfection to my mind, the amount of description, while it is a lot and comes in fast, is not overwhelming at all, and the fight scenes were excellent. That's always a plus. Most people don't know how to write those well, imo. Will be reading more. :)
10/15/2013 c3 1Clear World
Okay, the plot is about to begin with the setting being laid down. Hmmm... I want to toss out ideas on what could be going down and why this very *nice* king is even thinking about murdering a possible threat.
I don't know why, but I keep thinking about a knight who is going to break her free and make her learn about life again. Eh...
Writing still as good... and what time period is this? Lilith's dialogue with Prince Lyle made me actual consider this isn't part of the middle ages. Almost every single person must be ashamed to even know about her since she's a women who would probably beat them up. Perspective...
...update this...
1Clear WorldOkay, the plot is about to begin with the setting being laid down. Hmmm... I want to toss out ideas on what could be going down and why this very *nice* king is even thinking about murdering a possible threat.
I don't know why, but I keep thinking about a knight who is going to break her free and make her learn about life again. Eh...
Writing still as good... and what time period is this? Lilith's dialogue with Prince Lyle made me actual consider this isn't part of the middle ages. Almost every single person must be ashamed to even know about her since she's a women who would probably beat them up. Perspective...
...update this...
10/15/2013 c2 Clear World
Oh no, I'm already drawing attachment towards Captain Edwin and he talked about his family. Omg, he's going to be the first character (who has a name) to die in this story. ...maybe...
Anyways, I already like Captain Edwin. What a sweet guy and he seems to know more then he's letting on.
Also, the writing remains good. The description, or the way Lilith tells it, flows smoothly to the next part, all very logic as I would expect. It pulls the reader's hand, moving them through like a child as it explains everything in a well thought out but simple way.
I assume the story between the two kings fighting and having the pointless war will even have more implications as this story unfold. What will it be? Maybe war in the fortune? No, better yet, a misunderstanding that will cause two friendly people to fight each other to the death will thousands of lives will be lose. This has to be foreshadow, I'm betting it on it this story because it took decent chuck of this chapter.
Oh no, I'm already drawing attachment towards Captain Edwin and he talked about his family. Omg, he's going to be the first character (who has a name) to die in this story. ...maybe...
Anyways, I already like Captain Edwin. What a sweet guy and he seems to know more then he's letting on.
Also, the writing remains good. The description, or the way Lilith tells it, flows smoothly to the next part, all very logic as I would expect. It pulls the reader's hand, moving them through like a child as it explains everything in a well thought out but simple way.
I assume the story between the two kings fighting and having the pointless war will even have more implications as this story unfold. What will it be? Maybe war in the fortune? No, better yet, a misunderstanding that will cause two friendly people to fight each other to the death will thousands of lives will be lose. This has to be foreshadow, I'm betting it on it this story because it took decent chuck of this chapter.
10/15/2013 c1 Clear World
Oh wow. I'm not one to give out compliments on writing style, but this one really just popped out for me in a good way. It's just really well writing and makes me envy your ability to write.
It does make me wonder, how smart is Lilith because the way she monologues makes me think she's extremely intelligent. Which did kind of makes me wonder why sh'e's in this situation. Must be through books, or an instructor. Just a weird contrast with her style of speaking compared to her settings.
Which brings me to the next part. Already a good set up. The slave fighting for a corrupt king (because he just sounds like it). I expect she'll break away from his control soon and get her revenge. I could be wrong with that prediction.
Oh wow. I'm not one to give out compliments on writing style, but this one really just popped out for me in a good way. It's just really well writing and makes me envy your ability to write.
It does make me wonder, how smart is Lilith because the way she monologues makes me think she's extremely intelligent. Which did kind of makes me wonder why sh'e's in this situation. Must be through books, or an instructor. Just a weird contrast with her style of speaking compared to her settings.
Which brings me to the next part. Already a good set up. The slave fighting for a corrupt king (because he just sounds like it). I expect she'll break away from his control soon and get her revenge. I could be wrong with that prediction.
9/29/2013 c2 8Jax Creation
I started reading this the other day, but I didn't have time to finish it. I remember writing a whole lot about the opening but I've forgotten what I said... *facedesk*
Using a girl as a tool to control the other countries with fear. Draven, you are a despicable bastard. And oh my, that hooded prisoner wil return, I sense it (*w*)
*"His favorite ones were about the great [Phoinix] War,"
—[Phoenix](?)
The way that war started... my goodness, how stupid -w- I agree with Lilith, all those people who died for no reason at all. Hardly something to laugh about.
Lilith's identity... What caused her amnesia? Too much bloodshed for her young mind to comprehend or another reason altogether? Brought in with all those child and forced to fight like a gladiator...
Captain Edwin seems knows who she is, and he seems to have such an amiable personality. Why is a man like that following someone like Draven? QnQ;;
*"and bitter floors to lie upon"
—"bitter floors"? Odd description for wood and dirt -w-
Aaah, I'm just going to gush over your narrative voice again x3 Such a beautiful melancholic and contemplative tone. Til next time, Asa-hime!
8Jax CreationI started reading this the other day, but I didn't have time to finish it. I remember writing a whole lot about the opening but I've forgotten what I said... *facedesk*
Using a girl as a tool to control the other countries with fear. Draven, you are a despicable bastard. And oh my, that hooded prisoner wil return, I sense it (*w*)
*"His favorite ones were about the great [Phoinix] War,"
—[Phoenix](?)
The way that war started... my goodness, how stupid -w- I agree with Lilith, all those people who died for no reason at all. Hardly something to laugh about.
Lilith's identity... What caused her amnesia? Too much bloodshed for her young mind to comprehend or another reason altogether? Brought in with all those child and forced to fight like a gladiator...
Captain Edwin seems knows who she is, and he seems to have such an amiable personality. Why is a man like that following someone like Draven? QnQ;;
*"and bitter floors to lie upon"
—"bitter floors"? Odd description for wood and dirt -w-
Aaah, I'm just going to gush over your narrative voice again x3 Such a beautiful melancholic and contemplative tone. Til next time, Asa-hime!