Just In
for All Fall Down

6/29/2013 c3 1k+Faithless Juliet
Chapter three, woohooooo!

I'm really enjoying this world that you've created here. I think you do a great job at weaving emotion and realism within this fantastical dream/wired-in world that you have here. It even puts the 'real' in surrealism, haha. Chantal's an interesting character. She has a no-nonsense badass personality but you've penned her with a lot of back story and I find her really interesting. I thought the dynamic between the multiple characters in this chapter worked well as well. There was a clear shift in leadership and a power struggle that you hinted at which was also interesting. I don't mind the chapter length because I think you gave a pretty clear picture and idea with this, but at the same time I was enjoying myself and it could have been longer. Update this one, pleaseeee.

4/22/2013 c3 4lookingwest
Just got your PM - and no problemo! I actually had this open and was going to review you, but then wisedec4u got to it first, haha. I'll have to be faster next time ;D Totally would love to procrastinate my homework further with a Gibson-inspired sci-fi, ha!

Hmmm okay so - We've got Roxie who identifies with the Charlatans and then Chantal is the leader of the Charlatans, and her second-in-command is Laney. Is Day a Saint? I think I remember him being a Saint - that's kind of what I was picking up from this. Wasn't there a Saint guy that was the bouncer at the club Roxie was trying to get into? Hopefully I'm right about that. I feel like that maybe hasn't been out-right said yet, at least not in Chantal's point of view, but I know that the Saints and the Charlatans are engaging in some sort of gang warfare, so it makes me a little hesitant to assume Day is a Saint if he gets on with the leader of the Charlatans and the two gangs are at each other's throats - so I might be wrong in my assumption. At any rate, I do like the hints at the rival gangs, though, that adds another dimension to this world.

Chantal is intriguing, different than Roxie. Her vacation-space was very cool, I think you got some fun images out of that of Venice and the glitching wind, I liked that. I was a little confused when Laney told her that she should've "stayed on vacation" though because isn't Laney the one that pulled the plug on Chantal's dreamscape? So isn't she the reason that Chantal isn't on "vacation" anymore in the first place? Maybe not - but her response felt a bit odd.

I liked the whole rocker allusion in this. At first I thought Day was a prize-fighter or something, maybe a boxer of some sort in Roxie's chapter - since I think she alludes to them fighting and it kind of reminded me of The Killing Floor in Gibson's stuff. Now I'm not so sure he's a fighter, but just a lead singer in a band with Cantal? That's cool, haha, I definitely loved that. I liked the paragraph description of him crowd surfing and everything. I know you're really inspired by MCR stuff and I could really picture that whole kind atmosphere going on here. Question: Does anyone listen to Taking Back Sunday anymore? I got this fun image of microphone tricks, haha, I used to love them. Anyway!

Yeah, lots of good moments here. I'm looking forward to seeing how this gang stuff functions with Day's situation, and if we'll get back to Roxie and Collin at any point. I like how expansive technology-wise your world is so far. It looks like each character has different ways that they're interacting with the world around them via technological advancement, and you do a great job framing that! As always, really intrigued with this project and looking forward to more! Keep going! Let me know if you have any specific questions about this, or if I'm not answering something you'd like an opinion on, I'd be glad to help!
4/22/2013 c3 wisedec4u
I like is your dialogue. It's snappy and get's right to the point. However, there's a little too much dialogue and barely any descriptions pass the beginning with the lake. I also didn't care for the pacing of this chapter. It goes a little to fast and doesn't leave much room for character development. I never seem to get a grasp on Chantel or Laney's characters, there motivations, wants, fears, etc. I would suggest fleshing out your characters more and dont' forget the fives senses. I would like to know what these characters look like other than the picture you show at the end of the chapter. Your single sentences serving as paragraphs are a bit distracting as well. Hope this helps. Best of luck.
4/20/2013 c2 lookingwest
Regarding a review reply you sent about Mona Lisa - I knew Molly was in it, and blahhh I really feel guilty for having never read it! Especially because I'm about to do a 18 page critical research paper over Neuromancer, and I probably should've read more of his Sprawl series, haha. I'm always afraid he's going to blow me away and I'm going to feel like crap about my writing for months afterwards lol, have you ever read the short story "Johnny Mnemonic"? That's Molly's first appearance and where she mees her alluded-to-boyfriend Johnny. It's super good, I love the dialogue work in it - I think it might be online for free (but whoever transposed it put in a bunch of typos). When I taught it and Neuromancer to my students they really dragged their feet over it but pft, I think they all really liked Molly ;D She's the best. And screw them. They were like "this reading level is too difficult" and I'm like, "YOU'RE IN COLLEGE, it is time to read something with a higher level than The Hunger Games!" lol.

ANYWAY. Onto your actual review, lol. I have to reign in my nerd-dom about Gibson, I know very little people who actually have read him and even less women who have read him (and like him), sci-fi cyberpunk is still a bit of a boy's club.

Ahhh, the plot thickens. So we get kind of a Case situation where someone is ruling his body physically. That's intense shit, I'd say. I like the developments. Overall - this is a super cool plot and I'm really really interested to see you continue with this for more than just a few chapters - I urge you to keep going, I really want to find out where stuff is headed! But I think what I'd like to see regarding this is more attention paid to setting - give us a little more meat on the bones of the action, so to speak. Your style has always been very bone-like, which I think can work for you and is very distinct (if names were taken off of a bunch of stories and someone handed them to me, I'm pretty positive I'd be able to figure out which was yours right away!).

And don't get me wrong, it is cool to have that specific style, but I really think visually we could get a little more from the setting in some cases. This had less then the first chapter did, and I think the only thing we really know is that Day was in a room with a metal table. I'd like to know a little more about the room. Is the room really dirty, is there like, a swinging light bulb in it making freaky shadows? Is it more like an interrogation room (which is what I thought it might be at first until I figured out that Amelie is definitely not the cops), or is it like storage room? What color are the walls? I was picturing white at first, just a blank slate, but I'm thinking the place is really dirty given the twist of what Amelie did to Day as far as replacing his organs.

Speaking of Day, I really enjoyed the first part of this for the opening - I think it was clear we'd switched perspectives from the first chapter, and I thought the description of the drug through the needle was good. Again though - I would've liked more of a picture of where he is in the room, if he's lying on the table with a drip-bag and stuff, or what that's about. But as far as the internal thoughts with Day about the singing and stuff, that was cool. I'm really interested to see how Roxie/Collin will figure into this mess and what might happen to Day now that he's become Amelie's meat puppet. There are some really fun concepts here! Please write more!
4/19/2013 c2 90Timbo Slice
I like the attitude of Day, kind of gives off that brooding and gritty feeling that works with the prose and the interaction between him and the French chick was cool (if not a bit trippy!)

Speaking of the prose, far too much of it was spent telling rather than showing, you know? "and he can feel it crack, can feel it starting to bleed..." is an example. How about SHOWING the dizziness, the thunk of his skull, the warm wetness of his blood?
4/19/2013 c2 2Eloise.m
I didn't like this story as the vocabulary was rather limited, and I noticed there was a significant lack of visual imagery. One more thing I didn't like was that there was too much swearing "f***". Too much swearing unnecessarily will turn your readers off, and at the very least use a variety of swear words.
4/19/2013 c2 1k+Faithless Juliet
Interesting... I'm really glad that you decided to continue with this story. I an in love with how your treating this concept.

I was a bit confused at the beginning. I think the shift between this and the last chapter was a bit jagged. I found myself wondering who these characters were: if they were new characters or the same characters from chapter one.

I really loved the plot developments at the end. Your french woman was wonderfully creepy - I like how you kept her subtle, and let her actions speak louder, it was chilling. I also liked Days reaction it was neither fear nor panic, it makes me think that there are many hidden sides to who he is. Update soon!

Much love
4/17/2013 c1 4lookingwest
Hello! So - I like this, and I think that I get it. I'm not so sure that other reviewers are getting it though - and I think I'm getting it because I've read William Gibson before. I've never read Mona Lisa Overdrive (I know, what is wrong with me?) but I've read a handful of his short stories, and as you know, Neuromancer is like, my fiction religion, lol. So right away I figured by "ghost" you didn't really mean the mythical kind of haunting-ghost, and I picked up that Collin was something she can only see and perhaps more of a hologram-type construct-interface. I really like that whole concept. I don't know if that's specifically borrowed from Mona Lisa Overdrive or not, but I was really intrigued by that and I think concept-wise, this is one of my favorite pieces of yours. I could follow it pretty easy (but again, I think that's because I read this kind of genre), and I especially like how you handled Roxie. She reminds me of Molly a bit, and that's just my type of woman ;D I really enjoyed the edginess of her character, and I liked the world you've alluded to with the fights and Cage. The pacing was pretty quick, but I think what you have here is a really good bones to a narrative. The ending was the only thing I would've liked more with - specifically concerning where the Nova was coming from or who threw it in.

The last line of this though - damn, that's a keeper. I really really really love that last line. Probably one of your best!

I think what I'd like to see you do with this piece is flesh it out more concerning the setting. I think to help other people along with it, you could put more into description of things, the night sky, sensory imagery, what Collin might look like as far as his dress - maybe even mention that he walks through solids or he's a hologramed image of some sort - give us more of a concerete image of what to see when we think of him. The setting, while you seem to have the bones of it, could go further. Maybe take a page from Gibson and you could describe it with a bit of disorientation, it is the big city, after all, and I think you do that on a basic level when you allude to all the different clubs, but now get more detailed - are there neon signs everywhere, is it raining, is it like the first 15 minutes of Bladerunner? There's a ton of fun stuff you could do with this!

Largely, I don't think this kind of thing is very popular on Fictionpress, just because it involves a lot of instances where you can't afford to hold the hand of the reader, and it's pretty abstract sometimes and more postmodern (I love that about it though), and I don't think all of a reader's disorientation is due to just the writing (I could follow it, with my background knowledge), but I do think you need to at least provide them a little bit more to grasp at as far as image and characterization. I think Roxie and Collin were fleshed out the most of everyone.

I'd really like to see you turn this into a fully developed novel or novella, though. The concept is super fun.
4/16/2013 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
I'm not too sure about the pace in this story. Things seem to move way too quickly - I'd like a little more exposition and explanation before Roxie arrives at the club. You also open with the "ghost" and he never really pops up again until his one line near the end, so I'm a little unsure of what purpose he plays. The setting is pretty sparse, but again, that has to do with the pacing. I don't feel like I'm ever really grounded in the scene before things start to take off, which is why I feel a little overwhelmed. Also, you might want to think about making your paragraphs longer and lumping some sentences together, because when you have each sentence in its own paragraph it messes with the rhythm, especially when it's being read on a computer screen and there's a lot more empty space. It makes everything sound more fragmented and jarring because there's a natural impulse to pause between paragraph breaks in order for a reader to digest what just happened before moving on to the next part. Like taking bites of a sandwich, I guess; you don't want to take too small bites, or too large bites, but somewhere in the middle. This can vary, though, of course. But always using one sentence paragraphs can be mentally tiring to read.

I really like Roxie's voice. I think her voice is really strong, and I like how zoomed in the psychic-distance is throughout most of this. Her conversation at the beginning with Collin was pretty cute, especially how she was trying to teach him how to talk cool or normal. I'd like to know some more about her, though. Like little personal things. Things that make her tick. Quirks and passions. Desires. Motivations. Right now I only know she seems to have a thing for this Cage guy, but I'm wondering if it's just him or if she just likes the idea of pit-fighters in general.

I think my biggest suggestion would be to slow down and let yourself paint an entire picture instead of plotplotplotplotplot, because characterization and setting are just as important as plot - sometimes even more important, depending on what type of story you're trying to tell.
4/16/2013 c1 12Skye Hawthorne
As much as I love the author's writing style (seriously it's great. If this is the one your reading, check out some of the author's other books; my personal favorite is newborn), I don't quite get the ending. At first it seems like it is about a robot who wants to be human, I get that part. And I expect it to tie in with the fight, but it doesn't. Instead, their poison gassed and fall asleep at the end. Is this the first in a series? While it starts off strong, it finishes on a confusing note.
4/16/2013 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
I really loved the structural choices that you utilized here. You created an entire atmosphere within the confines of this short narrative. I really loved the subtlety of the voice you used. It was almost like you were teasing the reader with each tidbit which ultimately leaves them begging for more. I also loved the originality of Collins - the ghostie - what a fun concept and I enjoyed the interactions that he had with Roxie. I'm not sure at this point if this is a standalone or something that you'll continue but I do hope that you carry on with it. I really enjoyed the read. Keep up the good work.

Much love

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service